Sunday, November 1, 2015

How am I supposed to...

How am I supposed to celebrate and grieve? How am I supposed to balance this pregnancy, this beautiful, almost full-term pregnancy with Marcellus's dates. How am I supposed to get ready for new life with the anniversary of my son's death just around the corner.

I have to be honest, I'm struggling. I'm struggling to figure this all out. To make sense of it all. And I feel like neither are getting the attention they deserve. I feel like I can't fully grieve Marcellus's death in the way I need to right now because of everything there is to worry and do and take care and celebrate and be thankful for with regards to Baby Cranberry (big one being cerclage removal coming up on Wed the 4th). I feel like I can't full enjoy and celebrate being at the end of Baby Cranberry's pregnancy because the intense grief I am currently feeling being in the middle of Marcellus's dates. Having the fear that this baby will be born on Nov 9th, on the 4th anniversary of the day his/her big brother took his last breath in my arms. How could I even deal with the juxtaposition of that?

Balance. I can't find it right now and I feel like all my children are getting gypped because of it.

I haven't even said much about Oct 28th having been Angela's. I haven't gotten and sent her birthday gift. I haven't contacted the adoption agency to see if they can contact her parents and give them a nudge to send me an update. It's been 3.5 years and I've heard nothing. And I haven't dealt with it.

We never sent anything to my mom to put out at his spot for his birthday. I haven't been writing like I'd want to. I intended to share the posts about my memories of his time on earth on Facebook and I haven't been.

And Ethan. My sweet Ethan. He's stuck in the middle of it all. The grief we have for his big brother. The anticipation and busyness and excitement and everything else that comes with the preparations for his little brother/sister. I haven't gotten to spend the time with him I'd like to before his little world is rocked by a new baby. We haven't had the quality time we need.

Lark...if only I hadn't miscarried Lark. I would have had a baby in August and not be at such a vulnerable time of pregnancy around Marcellus's dates. I wouldn't be fearing giving birth on the day he died. If only...

We're not exactly prepared for Baby Cranberry. The house is a disaster. Baby stuff is not organized at all. I haven't had even a moment to really soak this in. To soak in the fact that I'm 36 weeks along.

My head has just been spinning for weeks. I'm so grateful for this pregnancy to be going how it is. Really I am. But I also carry intense grief with me, especially this time of year.

Marcellus, I'm sorry if I haven't been taking them time I need to talk to you, to grieve you, to ache for you. This time of year is hard. And having this pregnancy with Baby Cranberry go so far along doesn't make it any easier. I think it actually makes it harder in a way. Harder to balance all of these crazy intense emotions I have going on. I'm trying baby boy. I really am, but many days I feel like I'm overwhelmed. I want to enjoy these last days of pregnancy. But I also know I need to grieve for you. For the fact that you are not here on earth with me. That while I believe you already know this baby's spirit, you will not know this baby earth side. Your little siblings, alive and well...but you are not. I just want all my babies with me. I love you so so so so so so so much!!! xoxox.

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