Today was one of them. One of those days that just took my breath away. Where the weight of this grief knocked me over. Where the tears came and I couldn't stop them. They came and they came and they came. The ache in my chest was pounding. As if my hurt was trying to escape my heart. And it hurt. It hurt so bad.
As I sat there at the kitchen table unable to catch my breath from crying I thought to myself "How does it still hurt this bad?!? How are there days where it still hurts just as bad as it did 5 years ago?" But then I also thought to myself how it will always hurt this bad. There will always be days that take my breath away. There will always be days of uncontrollable tears. Because my son is not here. Because my son died.
This is grief. This is my grief. It will be my grief for the rest of my life. Because I will love him and miss him and ache for him for the rest of my life.
Five years and four months later I may go longer in between these days, I may recover quicker from these days, but it can still hurt just as bad. It can still hurt so damn much.
So today grief knocked me down. It took my breath away. But now I get back up and continue on just like I always do. Now I incorporate my grief back to the daily management of it...until the next day that comes around and takes my breath away.
Dear Marcellus, wow today was hard. One of the hardest I've had in quite awhile. I just needed to cry for you baby boy. To let that hurt out. To express how much my heart aches for you. It hurts so bad to not have you here. It hurts so damn bad. It can hurt just as bad as it did in those early days. Those foggy, intensely grief filled early days. But baby, I was able to get back up and proceed with daily living. To find joy. To snuggle your brothers and tell them how much I love and am lucky to have each and every one of you. That each of you are a special part of our family. Ethan and I talked about how it's okay to cry because we miss you. I think he's starting to have a harder time understanding why and how you died. He said you were born too early, but that so was he and he didn't die. How he has gotten sick and is still alive. How do I explain it to him? Trying to fully figure that one out as he understand more, but yet not enough. I love you my squirmy wormy. I love you so very much. xoxox.
It's March for Babies season. If you'd like to donate please visit my Marcellus's Marchers March for Babies team page here. March for Babies is the charity walk put on by the March of Dimes.