To Be A Mother

 

11 years ago a positive pregnancy test told me I was to be a mother,
I had given birth before, but yet I had not mothered,
For 8 ½ years I yearned and wondered, what could it be like to mother.

My heart felt mother love,
I felt that shift within me when she was born,
but I had no where, no one, to pour that love to.

 It was Mother’s Day that day,
And I held my secret for hours,
Only sharing with strangers on the internet,
Waiting to tell Mike in person.

Mother’s Day,
A day that had been difficult since she was born,
A day I didn’t know how to view,
Didn’t know where I fit,
Because do birth mothers count as mothers?

How healing in that instant to know,
To know a baby was on the way,
To mother,
A child that I would get to mother,
To call my own.

May 8^th, 2011
Just like this year,
Just like today,
Was Mother’s Day.

It was a day to celebrate,
It was filled with joy,
With hope, excitement,
The sting of the pain caused by placing my firstborn for adoption,
Lessoned for a moment.

And now today,
11 years later,
On this Mother’s Day,
I think of the short 12 days I had to mother him.

12 hectic, fearful, difficult, intense NICU days,
But also 12 beautiful, joyful, love filled days,
12 days I cherish forever.

He may have only been here for 12 days,
But I will forever be his momma.