Thursday, June 23, 2016

I will never be alone.

 There are so many people in my life that the following is true for.
Lexi Behrndt's page -

I vividly remember going to our infant loss support group for the first time about a month and a half after Marcellus died. As each story was told I remember calculating the time gone by since their children died. I thought to myself, "Wow, they've survived 6 months (a year, two years, etc.) without their child here. They grieve and they cry and they are heartbroken, but yet I see life in them. Maybe one day I will live again too."

And here I am. Proof that you can live. And not just live, but have hope, laugh, feel immense love, and even be joyful. I don't really know when that happened. When did these things start to creep back into my life? Was there a certain time frame that passed? Was it some milestone we got by? Was it the hope our living children have brought us? Whatever it was and whenever it happened doesn't matter. It is so different for everyone. What matters is that it happened.

I do know the first six months were dark, very dark. I honestly can't remember much of my life from that time. Around six months after Marcellus died is when I started feeling ready and hopeful for another baby. Maybe that readiness and hope is when a little light started to sneak back in.

I also know it's not something that happened over night. It wasn't the one year anniversary, it wasn't having another baby (or another) that did it. It's been gradual, it's been the day to day stuff. For me that means it has been doing the grief work, the therapy, the blogging, speaking his name, creating traditions, making sure his siblings know him. Surrounding myself with supportive people that will also speak his name and listen to his story, my story, our story. Embracing this life, the good and the bad, for what it is. My life, his life. His life through my life. I carry my love for him with me everyday, just as I do for his living siblings.

There can still be dark days and moments. The grief can still be immense. But my life is full of so much light, color, and beauty. I have now been on the other side. The one that a newly grieving momma might look at and say "She grieves and she cries. She is heartbroken. But she is alive. She lives. She hopes and laughs and loves and lives freely. Someday...someday I can live again too." I can only hope I am able to bring hope to others in their darkest moments.

So to all of you that have come before me, are beside me, and will come after me...I love you. I am here for you. I need you. We are surviving. We are living. We have each other, always.

Marcellus, I've said it before and I'll say it again...when your heart stopped beating I swore mine would too. And in a way it did. In those early days I honestly didn't know how to live again. I had no idea how my life would continue on without you on this earth with me. But it did. Each day turned into the next. And somehow the darkness started to lift. Light and laughter made their way into our lives again. At first I know I felt guilty to feel hope and joy without you here. But I know that hope and joy is a part of my love for you. I carry that love everywhere, always. Missing you with all my being my sweet baby boy. Love you!!! xoxox.

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