Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Orange on the couch

My blog, my place on the internet for Marcellus. This quiet online place of reflecting and honor and missing and remembering my first born son. It has been greatly neglected over the last few years, but especially lately. 

And I try to be okay with that. I have two children here on earth that need me. Two children that will only be little for so long. Their infancies fleeting and childhoods passing by at lightning speed. Marcellus, on the other hand, will always be 12 days old. But he is still my son and he still deserves some of my time and energy. 

So in this rare moment where Ethan is playing independently and Weston is just crawling around exploring the house I sneaked away to write this. I started to fold the laundry, but knew I needed to take these few moments for Marcellus and I to connect instead. Yes, I had to pause to keep the baby from chewing on a band aid (still in the wrapper…where did that even come from?) and I’m keeping an ear out if Ethan’s joyful playing turns to needing momma. 

But for this moments, I am here, on my blog. In my space with Marcellus. I am here to say I miss him. I ache for him. That I am always thinking of him. I may go months between posting on my blog, but the truth is I am always always thinking of him. I often "write" blog posts in my head and never get a chance to type them up. 

...The fact that I just had to step away to clean orange marker off the couch definitely shows how difficult it is to find balance in this season of my life. This season of having a 3 year old, a 10 month old, and a child not here on earth with me. 

The crazy thing is E never writes on anything. He barely colors even on paper. Of course I initially felt very frustrated about it, but as I was wiping it off (thank goodness for microsuede or whatever it is that's so easy to clean) it dawned on me that he used orange. Orange at a moment that I was engrossed in thoughts of his big brother. His brother that dons an orange pumpkin hat in many of his pictures making orange the color that makes me think of Marcellus the most. 

Maybe it was Marcellus's way to say, "Hey, Mom. I know these two keep you busy. And that's okay. I'm always here."

Dear Marcellus, this time of year I particularly struggle with the balance of wanting to do tangible things for you while raising your living brothers. You're always on my mind, always in my heart, always internally there with me. But I want to externally do things for you too. Talk about you, write here, think of ways to raise money for March for Babies, figure out what things to do for your upcoming birthday, think of ways to include you in the upcoming holiday traditions. I feel like I often fail to find that balance. I feel like I fail with finding balance for a lot of things. But I do know you're always with me. Your love is with me and my love for you is always always with you. Missing and loving you my sweet baby boy. Forever and ever. xoxox.

No comments:

Post a Comment