The last time I wrote was about how anxious I was and the difficulties of attending the wedding of two good friends of ours. Mike was the best man and so I was especially nervous about sitting without him.
And there were difficult, some very difficult, points during the celebrations. I was quite uncomfortable during the rehearsal dinner. I'm finding I am still trying to figure out how to act around people who haven't lost a baby. Still trying to figure out how I fit in. We were with people that care about us though, and that does help. Some of whom had come to see Marcellus at the funeral home and wanted to know all about him.
Someone I hadn't seen since undergrad came up and talked to me about my blog. I really appreciate knowing people read my blog. Especially people that haven't lost a baby. I obviously know why people who have lost a baby read it, because they can relate, because they are searching for the words they themselves can not formulate. But those who haven't that read it, I feel are reading it to support us, try to get just a sliver of understanding and it really means a lot.
This same person just had a baby in April (and since I know you read this, please do not take offense to what I'm about to say. It's nothing personal.). Sometimes I find it hard to talk to people that have babies in general. Just to know what they have to go home to tugs at my heart. But she didn't bring up her son much, it wasn't until someone else at the table started asking about her baby. And that was hard to listen to. I do fine around babies of other babyloss moms and my nephew, but still struggle with other people's babies. I don't know for how long that will continue, all I know is for now it's still difficult. During this conversation a baby appeared out of nowhere. The mother of the groom was holding a little baby behind me. It was just too much at the moment, so we left. Rehearsal dinner was essentially over though and people were just mingling. Everyone seemed to understand that we just needed some time to ourselves.
I am glad we retreated earlier though and didn't push ourselves too much Friday night. We were able to recoup and feel pretty good Saturday. We were both excited for the wedding itself. I knew there would still be difficult moments, but overall I was thankful to be able to take part in our friends' special day. I rode to the wedding with another friend. Signed the guestbook, including Marcellus's name. When I made a comment to the friend I rode with about wondering if people think it's weird that I sign his name, she simply responded, "he is a part of your family." And yes, he is. He always will be. I wonder how long I will include his name in cards and such.
We sat down waiting for the ceremony to begin with beautiful fan programs (outdoor wedding). I started flipping through it and as I got to the last page I started tearing up.
We happen to have a private moment with the bride and groom after ceremony. We told them how much having Marcellus in the program means to us. I know they understand that it means a lot, but they will never be able to fully understand just how much it really does mean to us. Just how amazing and just how much of a gift it is to have other people acknowledge, remember, and miss our sweet boy with us. Thank you so so much for that!
There were still a couple of parts during the ceremony that were a struggle for me. The one I knew that would be, the vows. As I mentioned in the previous post...those words "for better or for worse." Another part was at the end of the ceremony the pastor was doing a blessing for the bride and groom. The last thing he said was "May God bless you with children." At that moment what ran through my head was that "just because He blesses you with children doesn't mean He let's them stay." Somewhat of an angry thought toward God that I still often have. After the ceremony and talking with Mike about that I learned he had a much better thought. He said he took it as a reminder that yes, God did bless us with Marcellus and Marcellus is still a blessing to our lives and always will be. I agree. My baby boy is the biggest blessing God has given me.
Overall we had a good time during the reception, Mike especially. He had lots of best man duties and it was so good to see him having fun. I was still a little uncomfortable totally letting loose. But I did dance, I did mingle, and I did overall enjoy myself. And we are both so so happy for the bride and groom! Congrats again, guys!
All in all it was a good day. The bride looked absolutely gorgeous. The groom wasn't too bad himself. The ceremony was beautiful and the reception was fun!
Marcellus, although it was very tough to be celebrating at a wedding without you it was so good to see you remembered on the program. We weren't the only ones thinking of you that day, so many others were and it means a lot to Mommy and Daddy to know that. I know you were celebrating from Heaven with us and that you're very happy for the bride and groom too. You are our blessing from God and always will be. You, my squirmy wormy, are a blessing to more people than just your mommy and daddy. We know you've touched a lot of lives and Mommy's so proud of you. You may have only lived for 12 days, but you've touched more lives than most people do in an entire lifetime. You are amazing my sweet boy. I wouldn't trade being your mommy for anything! I love and miss you very much! xoxox