Wow I haven't written in a long time. I think this is the longest I have in between posts. A little ironic since two posts ago I wrote about how I need to blog more. It's not that I don't have anything to write about. I have TONS to write about. Besides the 5 or so drafts I have saved, so many big things have gone by that I want to write about. To name a few, Father's Day, my nephew's first birthday, 4th of July, being away from my husband for the first time, 8 months and some major changes I've made recently. Yes, there is a lot to write about.
Of course there's also Marcellus. I could just write and write and write about him. Write and write and write about how much I love him. Write and write and write about how much I miss him. I do, I miss him so much.
But I've been busy. Literally, go go go go nonstop.And if I do get a moment to breathe, I've been avoiding the painful breaths. The ones where I go to this place, this place that this blog is for. So I haven't been writing. Yes, I've been very busy. But I can find time to write. I'm finding that time right now, aren't I? But when I have had the time, I don't want to. That's what too much busyness does to me. It's good to an extent, but this is too busy right now. I think it will slow down here in a week or so. Then I'll have time to breath and cry and hurt for my baby boy. Everyday I think of him, I miss him, I love him, I ache for him. But when I'm so busy I feel like I don't have time for grief. And I can tell it's been a little too much lately. Thank goodness for therapy. Part of the reason I can tell I'm too busy is that when I'm in therapy for an hour and everything else has stopped, I'm a wreck. I bawl through the entire thing. My poor therapist, having to deal with me. But we're working on things. I'm making progress.
I just need to get through this busy season of my life and then I will spend some time sorting through the craziness that is my head.
Dear Marcellus, sorry I've been so busy lately. You know that doesn't mean I don't think of you, right? I think of you A LOT. All the time really. You're always there. It's just I haven't had much time to really spend with you and I don't like that. But I'll be visiting you soon in MN. The trip is part of the reason I'm so busy now, I have a lot to get done before then. I will spend some very quiet time with just you baby boy. Mommy and Marcellus. I love you right up to the moon and back my little mister! xoxox
My journey of mothering my sweet boy that I hold in my heart, but not in my arms.
Take all the time you need to work through everything you need to work through - including the busy time that keeps you away from blogging. We'll all be here waiting for you.
ReplyDeleteOf course Marcellus knows that you ALWAYS have time for him, no matter how full and busy your days are.