Those days where I just can't find the motivation for anything. Those days where I find myself seesawing between feeling nothing and the immense ache I have for my son. Those days where being in reality is too much, so I shutdown and pretend this world doesn't exist.
I miss him everyday, but some days are more acute than others. Today is one of those days. Those days where it's a bit crippling. Those days where I stay inside the safety of my house. These walls protect me, keep me from the world outside where I feel I don't belong.
Today I can't stop thinking about what my life should be like. My life with an almost 8 month old (albeit he would be a small 8 month old due to being a preemie). I can't help but think about what my sweet boy would be like. His personality. His smile. His eyes. My mind is even going beyond what should be now. I'm thinking about the toddler years. Would he be a momma's boy? There's something special between a mother and her son. And I don't get to have that with my boy.
My sweet sweet boy. I am missing him terribly today.
Marcellus, Momma's missing you like crazy today. I hate that I have to imagine what you would be like. We got a glimpse of your personality in the 12 days you were here, but what would you be like today? A year from now? Five years from now? Would you always be my sweet little boy wanting his momma or would you be more independent and causing trouble or even some combination thereof? Oh baby boy whatever your personality would be, I miss you I miss you I miss you! xoxox
My journey of mothering my sweet boy that I hold in my heart, but not in my arms.
Morgan, I'm so sorry you are having one of those days.
ReplyDeleteLately, I have been keeping busy. I can't say if I am keeping busy to help cope with the pain, or if I am coping with the pain well and able to focus on other things. Sometimes I feel like I might be going about this all wrong. Shouldn't I still be crippled with grief? If I am not,does that mean I am in denial? Or worse, that I don't feel River's loss as deeply as I should?
I am reading some books to help me cope with these feelings. I'm trying to cut myself some slack, and remind myself that there is no wrong way to grieve.
I am sorry you are having "one of those days." :( They come and go and we never know when to expect them. Missing our babies is just a part of our every day reality, but some days seem to sting extra. I wrote a blog post last summer called "One of those days":
ReplyDeletehttp://www.roseandherlily.com/2011/07/one-of-those-days.html
I am sooo very sorry it is one of those days. Some days I have such a hard time just doing life. You are doing good just hold on my friend through these days. I love the pictures of Marcellus marchers on Hannah's blog. Praying for you that the rest of today will be better, and tomorrow there would be sunshine in your heart.
ReplyDelete