It's the 9th today. The anniversary date of Marcellus's death. Each month we dread the 9th, especially when the clock strikes 12:43pm. Each month we are acutely aware of how time is moving and what we were doing at that time on that 9th back in November. Each month I carefully plan where I will be and what I will be doing at his time of death. Some months I've even rearranged meetings and appointments so that I can be home in my safety net.
Except for this month. This month I didn't even think about the 9th approaching. A few days ago a friend asked about possibly getting together today, but didn't know how I would feel about it being the 9th. I said I didn't even know Saturday was the 9th (turned out not to work for us to get together anyway). And today I didn't even realize it was the 9th until a few minutes ago. I went to breakfast with another mom from group and was actually at Target during his time of death.
How did that happen? Part of me feels guilty I wasn't aware of the looming 9th. That at 12:43pm I didn't think about that moment 7 months ago. But then part of me feels like it's okay. It's okay that I didn't focus on his death. Is this a sign of healing? I'm not sure. I'm going to try not to read into it, although I usually do. I'm going to try to just accept that this is how I feel today and I didn't need to submerge myself in the thoughts and feelings of that day 7 months ago.
So, yes today is the 9th. And yes I have been thinking about Marcellus all day just like I do every day. But not about what the 9th means. I don't need to focus on the fact that he's gone. I want to celebrate that he was here. That he is still a part of my life and always will be. That he is always and forever my sweet baby boy.
Marcellus, I don't know if I should apologize that I didn't realize it was the 9th. I don't know how to feel about it. I do want you to know that I am grateful we were there with you on this day 7 months ago. Of course I wish you could have stayed here with us, but since you couldn't I am glad I was there to hold you at 12:43pm. My sweet sweet baby boy, I love you more than I can ever say! xoxox
My journey of mothering my sweet boy that I hold in my heart, but not in my arms.
OH Morgan my heart hurts for you. I am saying a prayer for you and your continued healing my friend.
ReplyDeleteI rarely think of Lily on the 16th of the months anymore.
ReplyDeleteI recently wrote this on a blog post:
"When losing Lily was fresh, I would feel that twinge of extra sadness each afternoon around 4:24, the time of her birth and on Tuesdays, the day of her birth. As time went on, the sadness would show up extra on the 16th of each month, the date she was born. After some time, it changed and the moments added up one on top of the other until I didn't even realize what was happening and how my grief was changing. I then started only feeling extra sad on anniversary dates (due dates, burial date, etc) and holidays (my birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, her birthday). Add in a couple extra sad days into the mix and I'd say I've been doing pretty good."
Funny what time will do...doesn't mean we love any less, things just change and we heal to a certain degree. It truly does become our "new normal."