It's the 9th today. The anniversary date of Marcellus's death. Each month we dread the 9th, especially when the clock strikes 12:43pm. Each month we are acutely aware of how time is moving and what we were doing at that time on that 9th back in November. Each month I carefully plan where I will be and what I will be doing at his time of death. Some months I've even rearranged meetings and appointments so that I can be home in my safety net.
Except for this month. This month I didn't even think about the 9th approaching. A few days ago a friend asked about possibly getting together today, but didn't know how I would feel about it being the 9th. I said I didn't even know Saturday was the 9th (turned out not to work for us to get together anyway). And today I didn't even realize it was the 9th until a few minutes ago. I went to breakfast with another mom from group and was actually at Target during his time of death.
How did that happen? Part of me feels guilty I wasn't aware of the looming 9th. That at 12:43pm I didn't think about that moment 7 months ago. But then part of me feels like it's okay. It's okay that I didn't focus on his death. Is this a sign of healing? I'm not sure. I'm going to try not to read into it, although I usually do. I'm going to try to just accept that this is how I feel today and I didn't need to submerge myself in the thoughts and feelings of that day 7 months ago.
So, yes today is the 9th. And yes I have been thinking about Marcellus all day just like I do every day. But not about what the 9th means. I don't need to focus on the fact that he's gone. I want to celebrate that he was here. That he is still a part of my life and always will be. That he is always and forever my sweet baby boy.
Marcellus, I don't know if I should apologize that I didn't realize it was the 9th. I don't know how to feel about it. I do want you to know that I am grateful we were there with you on this day 7 months ago. Of course I wish you could have stayed here with us, but since you couldn't I am glad I was there to hold you at 12:43pm. My sweet sweet baby boy, I love you more than I can ever say! xoxox