Today is one of those days. One of those days where I can't stop asking "why me?" One of those days where everybody's life seems so easy in comparison. These type of days are some of the darkest of grief. These type of days can include some horrible thoughts I wouldn't otherwise think.
So these are some of the thoughts I'm having today...
[*disclaimer: please don't take any of this personally. Grief can cause irrational, horrible thoughts. These are the ones I'm having today. They will pass, but I decided to write about it. My reason for writing about them 1) to get them out of my head, 2) there may be another BLM out there with these thoughts and she may be feeling guilty about them. Grief is already enough, you don't need to feel guilty too. So if you have had/are having thoughts like these...please do not feel guilty, you are not going crazy. This is part of grief, the ugly part.]
[*note (I added this later): after some thought I decided that "hate" is a very strong word and might come off much worse than I intended. I really don't want to offend anyone. I'm leaving everything below as is, but want to clarify that when I say "hate" it is not a true feeling of hate, rather just an irrational thought that can pop in my mind. I do not really hate anyone, but grief can throw irrational, horrible thoughts at you. And this is how my thoughts come across in my mind.]
If you've never lost a baby, I hate you. (However, if you are struggling with infertility, then I just have to say I don't understand.)
If you've never lost a baby and have living children, I hate you even more.
Even if you have lost a baby, but having a living child here on earth, whether before the baby you lost or your rainbow...I hate you too, but just a little bit. (And I know you'll understand these thoughts.)
So I guess that leaves me with those of us who while not childless, are childless here are earth (and those who are struggling and would do anything to become not childless). Would you like to join me in my pity party today as I hate the rest of the world?
Marcellus, I don't like these thoughts that go through my head. But I just can't understand why it seems so easy for some. Why do some people get their children without any struggle while there are those of us hurting and wanting our babies with us so bad? Why is it so unfair? I would do anything to have you here. And if you were here I would do anything for you. I did do everything for you when you were with us on earth. Why wasn't that good enough? Mommy's missing you very much today sweet baby boy. I love you! xoxox