Friday, June 15, 2012

The horrible thoughts

Today is one of those days. One of those days where I can't stop asking "why me?" One of those days where everybody's life seems so easy in comparison. These type of days are some of the darkest of grief. These type of days can include some horrible thoughts I wouldn't otherwise think.

So these are some of the thoughts I'm having today...
[*disclaimer: please don't take any of this personally.  Grief can cause irrational, horrible thoughts. These are the ones I'm having today. They will pass, but I decided to write about it. My reason for writing about them 1) to get them out of my head, 2) there may be another BLM out there with these thoughts and she may be feeling guilty about them. Grief is already enough, you don't need to feel guilty too. So if you have had/are having thoughts like these...please do not feel guilty, you are not going crazy. This is part of grief, the ugly part.]

[*note (I added this later): after some thought I decided that "hate" is a very strong word and might come off much worse than I intended. I really don't want to offend anyone. I'm leaving everything below as is, but want to clarify that when I say "hate" it is not a true feeling of hate, rather just an irrational thought that can pop in my mind. I do not really hate anyone, but grief can throw irrational, horrible thoughts at you. And this is how my thoughts come across in my mind.]

If you've never lost a baby, I hate you. (However, if you are struggling with infertility, then I just have to say I don't understand.)

If you've never lost a baby and have living children, I hate you even more.

Even if you have lost a baby, but having a living child here on earth, whether before the baby you lost or your rainbow...I hate you too, but just a little bit. (And I know you'll understand these thoughts.)

So I guess that leaves me with those of us who while not childless, are childless here are earth (and those who are struggling and would do anything to become not childless). Would you like to join me in my pity party today as I hate the rest of the world?

Marcellus, I don't like these thoughts that go through my head. But I just can't understand why it seems so easy for some. Why do some people get their children without any struggle while there are those of us hurting and wanting our babies with us so bad? Why is it so unfair? I would do anything to have you here. And if you were here I would do anything for you. I did do everything for you when you were with us on earth. Why wasn't that good enough? Mommy's missing you very much today sweet baby boy. I love you! xoxox


  1. Lately, I've been mentally throwing around the "H" word myself. I agree, I don't truly hate anyone. I just hate that they have something which I do not. So that's - what? envy? jealousy?
    It sucks to drive/walk through the small town that I call home and see countless teens pushing happy, smiling, healthy, living babies around in expensive strollers paid for by social assistance. That one's a double-whammy... you have the baby I DESERVE and you are financing your lifestyle with tax dollars that I EARNED. "Screw you Teenaged Wellfare Mom!"

    Just wanted you to know, you are not the only BLM who is falling quite short on the whole "...not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's." thing.

    1. Thanks for your comment and support Erin! I really struggled with whether or not to publish this post and then even after it was published struggled with how it sounded (hence the note added). I think the reason it's so hard to come up with a word and that hate is the one that comes through in the thoughts is that it's so many's the envy, the jealousy, the frustration, the self-pity, the it's not fair, etc...all rolled into one.

  2. Morgan I am so sorry and I DO understand and do not take it personal at all. I know my walk with grief is eased by the smiles of my living children, I am so sorry there is not that comfort for you. I have felt these hate days also..... it is normal and ok I just remind myself I can "feel" it but I must not stay there. Praying for you my friend, these dark days are hard you are not alone. BIG HUGS you will make it through.

    1. Thanks for your understanding Tesha! I don't mean to imply that losing a child is any easier when you have other children, but I do think there is a different aspect when you are left childless on earth. And you are so right that it's okay to think and even feel these things as long as we don't stay there. That's part of why I wrote this post, I wanted to get it out so I could let go of those feelings. And when I wrote it and said "They will pass" it's because I knew they would and writing about it would help that process. And those thoughts/feelings did pass. Doesn't mean I won't have them again. There will be more dark days, but I will not stay there. *hugs* thanks for all your support!

  3. as we've discussed, i've been in similar shoes and in a similar emotional place. our rainbow baby certainly gives us reason to be happier but there is still a sadness in our lives knowing that benjamin is not with us. of course i take no offense to your feelings of hate...we love you regardless.

  4. I understand too. How could you not feel that way every now and then? Thank you for your honesty. I am very proud of you and you should be proud of yourself for being brave enough to post what many probably don't. <3

  5. The thoughts come and go...plenty of them. There are just so many stages of this grief and emotions associated with it. You and I are not the only ones.

    I so appreciate your honesty and giving others a glimpse into the life of a grieving babyloss mama.

    This reminds me of a post I wrote on my blog shortly after losing Lily called "Why?":