Wednesday, June 20, 2012

I need to blog more...

I have at least five posts in progress in my drafts and a handful more "written" in my head. Why I don't sit down to write more often, I don't know. I need to. It's therapeutic for me. I guess it comes down to what I've said many times before...I just wish I didn't have this blog. I want a blog about being a preemie parent. I want a blog about being a graduate student and having a baby.

Actually I don't want a blog at all. I didn't even know much about or search out blogs until after Marcellus died. His death is the only thing that brought me to blogging. I craved reading real words by real moms that have been through something similar. Especially those weeks immediately following Marcellus's death, I needed to read others' words...the words I could not form myself. The blogs I found, they were speaking what was in my heart, what I was feeling.

Reading other blogs is what prompted me to start my own. So, as I look back on that first post written just one month after my sweet boy took his last breath, I still feel the same about this blog as I did then.
"I don't know what I hope to accomplish with this blog. I don't know if I'm doing this just for me, for Marcellus, for others that may come across this blog. I don't know exactly what I will talk about. I just don't know. What I do know is that I will tell Marcellus's story; I will share his life with others."
Have I succeeded in telling his story? Sharing him with others? My story is his story. I am who I am because of him. I am his mommy.

I struggle with what this blog should be. And maybe that's part of the problem. This blog should have no definition, no guidelines. It is my place to come. My place to write to the universe. To write about the pain, the love, the heartache, the hope, the good, the bad, the darkness, the light, the grief, the joy anything and everything that has to do with Marcellus.

Marcellus, I want to write more. More to you and more in general. It helps me sort everything out. It also helps me to feel connected to you. This is not just my blog, this is our place. Mommy and Marcellus. Loving you always sweet boy! xoxox.


  1. Morgan I have experienced similar blog conflicts. Like you I did not have one until Jonathan died. The only purpose of my blog is to document my life, all aspects. It is just grieving has been center stage in my life therefor in my blog. Sometimes it truly hurts me to know that mommies visit my blog that have no living children and they see the smiling faces of my kids. I ask my husband when I started my blog if it should be for Just Jonathan and he said a firm no. I would not do a blog for just one of my living kids and our goal is for Jonathan to be one of us no more or less. I think it is helpful to see people in all walks of life cope with loss. For one it takes us out of our boxes and helps us to understand others better. For example your life and experience is so different from mine yet I feel connected to your story and I know I would be compassion to someone I meet in your circumstance. I love your blog because you are you and that is what is valuable. You will inspire and encourage others simply because you have chosen to open your heart up. My prayer is this blog will always be a place to remember Marcellus and maybe someday blog about his baby sibling if that is your heart desire. I am glad you are a little better there are surly ups and downs Praying for you!

  2. Morgan, I understand feeling confusion about the purpose of your blog, and whether you are accomplishing it. I can assure you, your blog does tell Marcellus's story and in so doing, you share his memory and preserve it.
    When we lost River it was a catalyst that motivated us to re-examine everything in our lives and take action to change the things that were getting in the way of our happiness. I am so grateful to her for showing us that we do not have to keep walking down the same path, especially if doing so makes us miserable.
    My career was one area of my life that I was neglecting. Maybe those aren't the exact words to describe my situation. I was unhappy at work; I knew it was impacting my health; and yet, I chose not to take any action to change the situation. I was stagnating, too afraid of change to remedy the situation.
    For years, I have wanted to change my career track and become a writer. Ideally, I would be a professional blogger. My dream job is to be a staff blogger for an online magazine or community. Up until recently, I had done absolutely nothing to further this goal.
    Now, I blog all the time. I submit my work to sites that publish guest posts, I use Facebook and Twitter to promote my blog. I engage with others. As happy as I am to be working towards my ultimate goals, there is a HUGE amount of guilt as well. Mostly, I am writing about River, and about losing River, and about recovering from losing River. There's a part of me that thinks I am using her story to further my ambitions, and what kind of mother does that make me? Am I just like the stage mothers who treat their children like a commodity?

  3. I agree, you need to blog more! ;)

    But, really you should just do it when you feel the need to. Blogging for me has been such a wonderful outlet and instrument of healing. Just to release everything through words.

    I too wish you didn't have to have this particular blog. I never knew about blogging before I entered the "land of babyloss." I had never thought much about blogging and especially never knew such babyloss blogs existed.

    I love how you said this is yours and Marcellus's place. That's how I feel about mine...mine and Lily's special place. :) I feel at home there, surrounded by people who love me and "get me." I guess that's why I feel the need to make it so beautiful and why I want to write so is my way of mothering and loving her. My way of doing things for her.