Guest post by Daddy

My very first guest post is by my wonderful husband, father to my son, and the very best daddy out there - Mike. Tonight I asked him about how he felt about Father's Day coming up. I hope this can give you a glimpse of a father's grief. To read more about our lives through this grief journey from my husband's perspective visit his blog, Missing Marcellus.

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My hopeful fathers day…

Truth be told I am afraid of this day.  This is my first Father's Day without him, he was with us for last Father's Day, although still in the womb.  At first I wanted to be selfish and take this Father's Day for myself and sit around and feel sorry for myself.  I wanted an excuse to eat junk food and be worthless for a day.  I felt like I deserved it, how can I be honored on a day where my baby is in Heaven.  Surely all the other fathers out there who are spending the day with their children are going to have a wonderful day but I won't.  It is so unfair, how come these men get to have their children to celebrate with yet I cannot?  I wanted Morgan and everyone else to cater to me and it to be all about me for one day.  But why?  Why take such an opportunity to show my love for my family and squander it on selfishness?  I want to celebrate Father's Day with my family, I want it to be a good, hard day.  Sure I will certainly have a moment or moments where it hurts unbearably that he is not here, I will cry, I will feel like shutting down.  But I do not want to let that rule my Father's Day.  I want to spend time with my family, to hold the hand of my wife, his mother, as we watch the Atlantic Ocean punish the beaches of NC.  I want to reflect on what it means to be a father holding the hand of the mother who gave me that opportunity.  I want to thank Marcellus for letting me be a father to him for 12 days on Earth and the rest in Heaven.  Besides, I doubt Marcellus would want me to spend the day sulking around the house having a giant pity party.  I love my son too much to take this day for myself, I owe it to him to smile when I think of him holding my finger two minutes after he was born with hands that are exactly like mine.  Sure I will see fathers at the beach with their children and that will sting of course, but I have to remind myself that there may be some of them who have celebrated a Father's Day like I will be, without their child to hold.