For better or for worse

Mike and I said those words to each other two years ago today. Two years ago we took the vows "to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part

Who really understands what "for worse" can really mean? For worse, what did I think that was 2 years ago? No one believes they will experience their for worse within a year and 3 1/2 months from their vows. No one knows what for worse really means until you've lived through it. And no one can truly understand the strength of those vows until they've been tested to the max. Losing your child will do that. When the worse does happen, those vows have such a deep meaning.

And in sickness and in health...what about "in grief"? Grief can definitely strain a marriage, but it can strengthen a marriage as well. I can honestly say I love and cherish Mike a great deal more than I did on our wedding day two years ago. Some people have said/commented on how losing Marcellus will bring us closer and strengthen our marriage. And while it has, I think we were just fine before thank you very much.

And while I know the "until death do us part" is in reference to being together while we live, what about when death has taken a part of your family? A very important part. How does that work? A part of each of us died with Marcellus. Our old selves died the day he did. How does that fit into "until death do us part?" And no, death will not part us. We will always be together as a family. Even if that's across worlds.

We've been are going through our worse. But we're doing it together. I couldn't imagine being on this journey without Mike. I wouldn't survive, I'm sure of it. Most days I don't know how I'm surviving even with all his love (for me and our son) and support.

And of course without him I wouldn't have Marcellus. Now, I definitely cannot imagine that. My family.

Sometimes I think back to our wedding day and feel that's when Marcellus truly started. When Mike and I became a family. Although we didn't get pregnant with Marcellus right away, that's were he started. With those vows and the commitment Mike and I made to each other that day.

I love my husband more than I can describe. He's so much more than just my husband. He's the father of my precious baby boy, my best friend, my support, my companion in this grief, my love. We really are meant to be together. And nothing will change that. If Marcellus's death didn't change that, nothing will shake our bond as husband and wife. I do feel we have a pretty damn strong marriage. I know I am blessed to have Mike as my husband.

I don't remember much from the early weeks after losing Marcellus. But I do remember a comment a friend left me after attending Marcellus's memorial service in NC. She said, "Thanks again for sharing memories of Marcellus with us. The love and support you and Mike have for each other during this tough time is so inspiring. I hope that I have a marriage half as strong as yours is. I will keep you guys in my prayers every day!" I appreciated that comment at the time and still very much do. That people see our love for each other, our support for each other. What at one time felt like all we had. I pray that she and her husband (newlyweds!) never ever ever have to test the boundaries of their vows the way Mike and I have. I pray no other couples will. But the truth is, those vows will continue to best tested in this same way.

Last year on our first anniversary I remember commenting on how it would be our only anniversary without a baby in the house. But here we are, our second anniversary, and our baby is in Heaven instead of in our house. It just doesn't make sense. And celebrating our anniversary will be bittersweet this year and the years to come. Last year we were so full of pure joy as my pregnant belly was starting to pop and I was feeling Marcellus's movements for the first time. We will celebrate though. We will celebrate not only being husband and wife, but being Marcellus's Mommy and Daddy too. Not without an ache in our hearts though. Longing for our baby boy to be here to celebrate with us.

Mike and I at the altar July 24th, 2010. Full of hope and excitement for our future.

Day after the wedding pictures at Mike's grandma's farm. We have this one hanging on our wall.

Marcellus, you have the best daddy ever and Mommy is so lucky to be married to him. I hope you know the love Mommy and Daddy have for each other and for you. I hope you felt it while I carried you, while you were here on earth, especially the day you died, and that you can still feel it even now. Two years ago Mommy and Daddy stood in my hometown church and said our vows. We had no idea that "for worse" meant one year 3 1/2 months later we'd be back in that church for your funeral. We wouldn't change having you though baby. We'd do it all again if it meant 12 days with you. We miss you so much sweet boy. We wish more than anything our squirmy wormy was here to celebrate our anniversary with us! Loving you always! xoxox