Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Christmas tree

We got a Christmas tree today.

I thought I was doing okay with it, but as soon as we plugged the lights in I lost it.

We cancelled Christmas last year. It was too much. We felt we had nothing to celebrate. So Christmas just came and went as another day.

This year we wanted to start small. To do what I am calling a "Marcellus sized" Christmas. We have Beamy on the way, I need to find a balance. A balance of grief and hope.

Our plan from the start was to only decorate the tree with Marcellus's ornaments (and lights). We ended up with a bigger tree than intended. They look so much smaller out on the lot.

I was fine going to pick out the tree. There's a local tree farmer that has a Christmas tree farm in the mountains with a lot just down the street from us. I've driven by there a couple of times in the last week eying up the trees. We went there tonight and found ourselves the perfect tree. Overall, it was fine. After we paid I was talking to the woman while Mike was getting help putting the tree on the roof of our car. She mentioned how they have many repeat customers. Some that come before the kids like we are and then come back with the kids later. I just smiled. Again to the outside world we look like a normal happy couple expecting their first child. This woman sells Christmas trees for a living, she thrives in this "joyous time of the year." Was I to correct her and say "No, we already have a child. This isn't us before kids. Our son isn't with us because he's dead."?

I was still okay when we got home. Mike got the tree in the stand. We started decorating after supper. First we put on the lights. I could tell it was starting to get hard, but I was okay.

And then we plugged them in. My heart felt like it stopped thinking "wow, we really have a Christmas tree this year." I remember the excitement we had getting our first tree together two years ago. That excitement is no longer there.

I had to sit down. I sat on the couch and cried as I stared at the lit tree, Marcellus's ornaments waiting to be placed. He should be here doing this with us. We should be worrying about our one year old getting into the tree. We should be sitting him down for pictures next to it. We should be doing our family photo next to it. He should be here.

And it hurts so much that he's not. Not here to ooh and aah over the lights. Not here to worry about pulling at the tree. He's not here and it just hurts. I don't want to do Christmas without him. Part of me wants to take the damn tree down. Get rid of it. Cancel Christmas again. I just don't want to do this without him.

But the tree still stands. His ornaments are up. And it is currently lit. I am sure each day it will get a little easier to see that tree in the corner of our living room. But tonight it's pushing my heart to the limit.

The earliest Marcellus would have came home would have been around Christmas. I'm sure even if everything had gone perfectly for him, we wouldn't have decorated last year. We would have been too busy being in the NICU. We wouldn't have had a tree. This would be our first year with all of that as a family. That's what should be. Instead it's our second one without him even on this earth.

I'm trying hard to get in the Christmas spirit and it does come and go a bit. But tonight my spirit is broken. I am missing my baby boy so very much. All I want for Christmas is my family complete, together. My baby boy here. A Christmas wish that will never come true, at least not in this lifetime.

Marcellus, I bet you would absolutely love the lights on the tree. We have the colored ones, I like those better than the white ones. It's really a big step for Momma to have the tree up. It is hurting my heart though. Another reminder that time is moving forward without you. Another Christmas without you is coming. The world is continuing. I hope you like your ornaments. There are some very special ones on that tree for you. Maybe at some point I'll write to tell you about the special ornaments and the people who love you that got them for you. I miss you my sweet boy. I want you here more than anything! I want to be out shopping for your Christmas presents and dressing you up in Holiday outfits. I just want you here. I love you so very much my little squirmy wormy!!! xoxox

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