Sunday, December 2, 2012


Most people already have or are decorating their homes for Christmas. That's the decorating most people are focused on. We have another place to think about decorating...our son's grave. And today I had a bit of breakdown over it.

It's already December and we haven't sent anything to put at his spot for Christmas. I feel like we've been neglecting him. Feelings of guilty and that I'm being a bad mom to my sweet boy. My grandma put a wreath out there with a matching one at my grandpa's spot. I am thankful for that. Thankful he has something out there right now. But at the same time it's hard. I didn't get to pick it out. I didn't get to be the one to place it. I haven't even seen a picture. I have no idea what it looks like. And that's hard.

Last year we decorated his spot right before we left MN at the end of November. We were able to go shopping for him and place everything out there ourselves, just the way we wanted it. I'm struggling with not being able to do that for Marcellus this year. The distance between us and his special spot is sometimes very overwhelming. We don't know the next time we'll be there. I can no longer travel due to my risk of premature labor during this pregnancy.

And now it's already December and we haven't sent anything. I know we've been busy and have had a lot going on. It's not like we forgot about getting him anything, we just now found the time to. But it still bothers me. I still feel guilty that the calendar turned to December and there's nothing out there from Mommy and Daddy.

I've been getting into crafting, specifically sewing (for now hand-stitching, will hopefully get a sewing machine in the near future). I really wanted to make him a stocking to hang out there. But time is running out. With my perfectionist tendencies I would have to make sure it was just right before sending it. So in the middle of looking at patterns for stockings this morning my breakdown started. I didn't have time to do what I wanted. It would have to wait until next year. So for next year I will make three stockings. One for Marcellus's spot, one for him to have at home, and one for Beamy. That way I'll be able to spend a lot of time perfecting them and will be able to put the babies' names on them (so waiting until after Beamy is born and we have a name). I might be making the Christmas stockings in July, but fine by me. I just really wanted to have something out at his spot that I had made myself, that I had poured my love for him into.

We did get out to shop a little bit for Marcellus this morning. We picked up a few things and kind of ended up with a snowman theme. We got a little snowman stocking (miniature sized), ribbon with snowmen to make a bow, an "M" ornament striped with candy cane stripes, and a snowman ornament. The ribbon will allow me to still feel like I have handmade him something, even if it's not something as fancy as I was hoping for. We got a matching snowman ornament (well, they have different colored hats, one blue and one green) to have on our tree for him here. Turns out his "Baby's First Christmas" ornament from last year has a snowman on it also.

Marcellus's things for Christmas 2012
Part of me enjoys going out and shopping for things for Marcellus's spot, but part of me feels the incredible emptiness when I do. Today there were people out doing some of their joyous holiday shopping. Looking for the perfect decorations for their home, or gifts for their loved ones. And amongst them there was us. A seemingly normal married couple currently expecting a baby. What those other shoppes don't know is we already have a baby. But his body lies in the ground and the only shopping we can do for him is for that small piece of land back in MN. It's times like that, being surrounded in a busy store, that I feel the isolation and distance from the world. Our world is so much different. Our world has a huge gaping hole in it where our son should be.

But we got our things and we'll get a package in the mail to send to my mom's tomorrow. Hopefully she'll have time this week to get the things out there. We love our baby boy so much and we know that we don't need to buy things for him for that to be true. But we want the world to know how much he is loved. We want anyone that passes his spot to look and say, "wow, that little boy is greatly missed and loved by his family." I need to be able to take care of him in some way, and this is one of the only ways I can. So it might seem silly to some that I broke down this morning over not having Christmas decorations at Marcellus's spot, but to me it is huge.

This week we will also be decorating our home, every so slightly. Last year we cancelled Christmas, no tree, no decorating, no celebrating. We just couldn't do it. For me I honestly don't know if I would want to do anything this year if it weren't for Beamer on the way. I need to start small. We are having what we call "a Marcellus sized" Christmas this year. We will be getting a smaller tree (still a real one though) and decorating it with Marcellus's ornaments only (well, lights too) and putting up stockings for everyone - Mommy, Daddy, Marcellus, Beamer, and probably even Perkie. We will be getting Marcellus ornaments every year, including his little brothers/sisters when they are old enough to help us pick one out. We have his "Baby's First Christmas" ornament from last year, a "Guess How Much I Love You" ornament (special release from Hallmark, that was too perfect to pass up), the snowman ornament this year, and a few ornaments from family and friends to put on Marcellus's tree. We love getting/receiving special ornaments for our boy. Something to have just for him at Christmas time.

Marcellus, I'm sorry we haven't sent you anything for Christmas yet. I don't know why it took Mommy and Daddy such a long time to get some things. I hope the wreath that Great-Grandma brought you is nice. I like that you and Great-Grandpa having matching ones. I wish you were here to do real shopping for. A new toy, a new outfit. That's what I want to be buying you for Christmas, not things to send to your grave. I hate this so much baby boy. It all still sucks so much. I'm missing you lots right now. Last year you would have been so small (and possibly still in the NICU) at Christmas. I bet this year you would just be in awe of all the lights and decorations. Since we didn't know when you'd be coming home, this could have been your first Christmas at home. It would for sure have been your first whole Holiday Season at home. But we don't have that. We'll never have that with you my love. And that makes Momm'a heart hurt so much. We will do our best to celebrate this year and you will always be included in all of our Holiday Seasons. We are not a family without you. I love you my sweet boy! xoxox

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