The ache

The ache is still there. Everyday a part of me aches for my sweet boy. Some days my entire body has that physical ache for him. It doesn't matter that it's not been over a year (ugh, I hate that). It's still there.

Yes, there is a difference in the ache from the early days. In the early days it affected my whole being. Took over my entire body and mind every day. Now it is most often a more manageable dull ache, but there nonetheless. But there are still days, still days where the ache pulsates through my body and the only words I can manage to get out are, "I miss him. It still hurts." I woke up the other morning just hurting for my boy. No special date, no particular trigger. I just woke up with the intense ache in my heart.

No, I might not post on Facebook about him as much. About the hurt. But that doesn't mean it disappeared. Part of me feels like no one wants to hear it anymore. After all, it's been over a year and we're now expecting his little brother or sister. But I want you to know it is still there, not because I want you to feel sorry for me. I want you to know because that ache is there in my heart because of one amazing little boy. That ache is there because he was here, because he is my son.

Yesterday was the 28th, Marcellus would have been 13 months old. I usually post something on Facebook for all his monthly "birthdays." I didn't yesterday, not quite sure why. No, it did not slip my mind that it was the 28th. Of course I knew it was the 28th, 13 months since that day he was born and one month since we celebrated his first birthday without him here. The time, it keeps moving. I didn't know if I was allowed to count months anymore. Now I'm past a year, do months matter? They do to me, so I don't know why I worried about it. Each month that passes is another month without my boy. Another month I wish he was here.

Marcellus, Momma still aches for you my love. Every day I ache for you, some more than others. Sometimes there's a special reason the ache might be more intense, but sometimes it's just because. Just because you are not here. I wish you were here so bad my sweet little baby who wouldn't be so little anymore. I miss you my squirmy wormy. I miss you and love you so very much. If I have to put up with the ache to be your mommy then I will. I will always and forever be your mommy and you will be my son. xoxox