A year ago: November 4th, 2011

I couldn't bring myself to write yesterday. I had a very confusing the day. The morning started out fine, Mike and I actually had a good morning. I went for a nice walk with two good friends, but then once evening hit something changed. It hurt. And it hurt bad. It honestly felt like it did in the weeks immediately following Marcellus's death. I didn't know what to do. Mike was at work and I felt so lost. Lost in the pain. I finally decided to reach out and text my best friend in MN. It's so hard to do that. To say, "hey, I'm hurting and I need you." But I did. And I'm glad. I just need someone to hear me say how much I miss him, how much I want him here.

I know tonight I'm not going to get two posts written, so I will stay a day behind for now. But I do want to write the post that I intended to do yesterday.

A year ago yesterday: Friday, November 4th, 2011
Marcellus was 7 days old, a week! I couldn't grasp how fast everything was going. My baby boy was already a week old, how did that happen?
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Dear Marcellus,
I wanted time to slow down. A wasn't ready for you to be a week old already. But you were, and you were doing so well. Grandma came to pick me up that morning and take me to the NICU. Daddy was going to try to make up his Psychology test he missed. It was the day Grandma, Auntie Katie, and Nolan needed to leave to go back to MN. The plan was for Grandma and Auntie Katie to say goodbye to you while Daddy took his test and then we'd all go out for lunch for them to say goodbye to us.

Grandma got to hold you that morning. She was talking to you and loving on you. She was sure going to miss her Lil Boo!

Getting some love from Grandma before she had to leave.

While Grandma was holding you, Daddy tried to call me. My cell phone battery had died. I tried to send him a text message before it did and I thought it went through. It didn't and so he didn't know what was going on and got worried. He had decided to withdraw from Psychology class instead of taking the test. You were more important than school and he still had two other classes. The campus Psychology was about 25 minutes away from the hospital you were at. The other classes he was taking was right next door to the hospital campus. So even if he had to go to class, he could always just walk up to see you. I felt so bad that Daddy got worried about us when I didn't answer my phone. But after dropping his class he came up to the NICU.

When Grandma was done holding you and saying her goodbyes, we gave her your blue and yellow hat from the day before. You didn't use it for long, but it was something special of yours she could take with her. Kathy was your nurse that day. The first time she had you. She wanted to make sure Grandma had special things to take with her, so she gave her a pumpkin hat too!

Kathy loved you. She had lots of nicknames for you. She would call you lover boy and the little girl "next door" your girlfriend. She also said you were quite the pistol and we knew it. You had an attitude all your own baby boy and could be a bit feisty! Kathy also said you didn't know what WWBS was. WWBS stands for "Wimpy White Boy" syndrome. It's known that white male preemies do the worst. It has something to do with lung development. But you were so strong!

Before Grandma, Auntie Katie, and Nolan left Daddy and I went out to lunch with them. I don't remember a whole lot from that lunch. I do remember everyone again oohing and ahhing over your adorable cousin. I so bad wanted to whip out pictures of you and say, "Here, look! This is my baby boy, he's so beautiful!" It was hard to be out in public without you to have people not know I was a mom. At that lunch I tried to make my hospital bracelet visible. We had to wear our bracelets with you being in the NICU.

Before hitting the road Grandma had to get gas. I had ridden in her van with her to the gas station. When I got out of the van it was farther down than I was used to. I kind of plopped out of the van. I felt my incision open a little. Nothing bad, but it definitely split a bit and did not feel good. I made Grandma (who is a nursE) come with me into the bathroom to look at it. I was terrified it was going to be bad. That I really messed something up. It wasn't anything to really be concerned about, but meant instead of going straight back to the NICU Daddy and I were going to have to go home and put more steri-strips on it. I'll come back to that in a bit.

As we were saying goodbye to Grandma I remember something she said to me very clearly. She said one of the best things about being a mom is to get to see your own children become parents. She said how proud of us she was. I am forever thankful she got to be there not only to see you baby boy, but to see me with you. To see me shine as your mother. I don't mean to brag, but I know I did. Getting to mother you in that NICU is the best thing I have ever gotten to do.

Daddy and I then had to go home to fix me up. I was so upset about not being able to go back to the NICU, that I was going to have to be away from you longer because of some stupid thing like plopping out of the van. Then when we got home we couldn't find the steri-strips, so Daddy had to go get more. Even more time away from you! Let's just say I got a bit emotional over that.While Daddy was doing that I pumped so that as soon as he was back we could head to the hospital. I so wanted to k-care you that afternoon, but by the time we got back there wasn't enough time with shift change coming up. So we just hung out until then. Right at shift change I needed to pump and had to use the NICU pump room. It's a nice enough room and some moms choose to pump in there instead of at their babies' bedsides. I didn't understand that. I stayed right by your bedside to pump. I didn't care which nurses or doctors saw me pump. It was something I was doing for you and so I wanted to be with you to do it. I also always got more milk being at your bedside (especially if right after holding you) than I did being at home. I needed to be near you. Even though I never got to breastfeed you, I still felt like it was our bonding time.

After I was done pumping Daddy and I just went and had supper in the hospital cafeteria. Then it was right back to see you after shift change was up. Rod was your nurse again. He had a very laid back attitude and let us do our thing. He would peak in when needed, but other wise was very hands off. I was so antsy to hold you that night after my bad day. I was sad to see Grandma, Auntie Katie, and Nolan go and the whole thing with my incision and not getting to see you as much just made me so upset. Daddy took a video of Rod moving you to me. It starts with me saying how I didn't have a good day, but it was going to get better soon. And as soon as you were placed on my chest it did. None of that other stuff mattered because we were together. The melting together that always happened during k-care. I just loved it so much. Daddy took some of my favorite pictures of you and I together that night. It shows me loving on you and I can tell you are loving on me too all cozied in. He also got one of me sleeping! It happened a lot. You just relaxed me so much, all those good hormones put me right to sleep. We would both just be zonked out. Daddy even said I was snoring this time.

Mother and son

Mommy loves you so much baby boy!

Sleep Mommy and baby

While I was holding you Daddy wrote in his journal. This is what he said:

Yesterday was a big day for you. The night before you got to use a canula instead of your scuba mask to k-care with your mom. Yesterday you got your scuba mask removed! You are tolerating your canula well and we love to see your face not hidden behind an ugly ole mask. Your poor nose feels so much better. There are so many bells and whistles going off in here. So distracting! If you go insane when you hear alarms we know why. Also, I was so worried about your ears and head size, but you are in the normal range. You just have your mommy's ears and head and my forehead. Mommy is k-caring you now and trying to sleep, but you keep putting stress on the monitors.




You pooped very well yesterday! You even pooped while I was changing you! You also opened your left eye for us. Thank you for showing us your eyes finally. The NP said they did research why your eyes were fused shut so long and they did not find out why or it was not indicative of any illness/disease. Maybe you just couldn't bear to see yourself on monitors or you like to keep us in suspense. Mommy loves you very much. Grandma left today with your aunt and cousin. It was sad to see them leave. They have so much love for you. Your grandma got to say goodbye and she took a cap home as your keepsake. It was a pumpking hat! Even state fair pumpkins start out as a seed.



Eat, sleep, poop. Daddy and Mommy love you!

We didn't think Daddy was going to get to hold you that day. When I was done k-caring with you I had to pump though. And since you were still doing well and staying warm, instead of putting you back Rod asked Daddy if he wanted to hold you while I pumped. Daddy of course said yes! So that is the first time Daddy and I "switched out." You went right from snuggling with Mommy to snuggling with Daddy. Lucky boy (and lucky us)! I took one of my favorite pictures of you and Daddy that night. It's just on a cell phone though, so not the best quality. That bums me out a bit, but doesn't change how precious the picture itself is.

Father and son

See how you have your hand is on Daddy's chest hair? He said you would always play with it and tug on it lightly. Daddy loves remembering that feeling just like I love remembering you scratch at my chest and neck with your little fingernails.

Marcellus, this was the start to the best weekend of our lives. We had such a great peaceful night with you that night. And while we were said Grandma, Auntie Katie, and Nolan couldn't stay we were happy to have that time just the three of us. Just our little family. The weekend you were born was amazing of course, but I was fresh out of surgery and you needed a lot more breathing assistance making it more difficult to have you out. Then our visitors were there Monday-Friday, which was good, but them leaving gave us those last precious days to ourselves. I was feeling much better, you were doing much better, we were getting our NICU groove down. That Friday night through Monday night, I want those days back. I want to go back to them. I can't even explain to anyone just how amazing they were, how on top of the world we were.

It can be hard to think about though. Hard to think of how perfect everything was. How it went from perfect to devastating in the blink of an eye. It can be hard to remember how happy we were. How purely happy we were. But I wouldn't give it back sweet boy. If this is what I have to do for the rest of my life to have gotten those beautiful days with you, then so be it. I will suffer now. I will gladly take this grief to have gotten those days with you. You are so worth it! Oh how I would do anything for you. I love you so much my squirmy wormy. I love you! I love you! I love you! xoxox