A year ago today: Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Marcellus was five days old. I had spent my first night at home the night before. Unable to just hop out of bed and walk down the hall to get to my baby. I felt so far away from him. Never did I imagine how far away he would be. Approaching a year away from him.
When I was pregnant with Marcellus we bought "The Baby Book" by Dr. Sears. He promotes the attachment parenting style and that's something we felt would work well for us and our family. We planned on using many aspects for it. I would read the book here and there before bed while I was pregnant with Marcellus. I'm a big planner and like to have books like that to read. The night after Marcellus was born we went online and ordered "The Premature Baby Book" by Dr. Sears because I wanted to be prepared and know as much as I could about what was in store for us in the NICU and beyond. The book still promotes attachment parenting and to be there for your baby as much as you can even if they are in the hospital. I thought I would read it up while in the NICU. But honestly, I hardly read it at all. Most of the time I was too busy staring at my boy. When it came, Mike wrote a message to me in the inside cover.
I just wanted to tell you that you are the most driven person. I have ever known. Your ability to adapt to any situation and learn everything you can is amazing. I am so lucky to have you as the mother of my child. Your tenacity, your drive, your passion, and most of all your unwielding love blows me away. Marcellus and I are so lucky to have you as the cornerstone in the foundation of our family. I could never do this without you. Marcellus could never do this without you.What I saw you go through on 10/28 blew my mind. I have never been more proud of you and the commanding strength you possess. Never doubt your ability as a mother because I have seen you over and over give everything for your babies.
We will get through anything as long as we are together.
You are my guiding light.
I love you my wife, my child's mother, my soul mate.
I have one of the most caring thoughtful husbands ever. I just wish we didn't have to test his statement, "we will get through anything..." to the point that we have. I'm sure when he wrote it he was thinking of our NICU stay, not the death of our beautiful son. He's right though, I will and have given everything I can for my babies. Placing Angela for adoption, being in the NICU as much as possible for Marcellus, continuing to do things to honor him, doing all I can to keep Beamer safe and in utero as long as possible, I have given to and given up for my babies and I will continue to as long as I live.
It’s a Wednesday and Mommy and Daddy forgot the camera at home. Can you believe it? We forgot the big camera to take pics with. But we did remember the little video camera so we were still able to capture some memories of that day.
The night before was my first night staying at home. I wasn’t used to having to get ready and wait for Daddy to get ready and take care of Perk before going to the NICU to see you. I was really antsy getting there.
Daddy and I went just us in the morning before Grandma and Auntie Katie came. Daddy got to hold you during the day since he was going to have to go to CNA class that night. We already planned a Mommy and Marcellus night that night. I was looking forward to it all day!
Your nurse that day was Lisa. We spent the morning just being with you and talking to you and holding your hand. Daddy took a video of you where you were being really twitchy. I didn’t realize you were still that twitchy. It has to do with that your nerves weren’t making all the connections that they were supposed to. The video ends with you stretching. You liked to stretch a lot and we would always say “Biiiiig stretches.”
Daddy got to k-care with you that afternoon. You freaked him out a bit with a bradycardia. He would start to watch the monitors a lot then and I had to try to tell him to stop staring at the monitors so much. He just worried about you because he wanted you to grow up big and strong, Mommy did too. Daddy loved k-caring with you though and I’m so glad he got to hold you so many times.
Daddy went home that afternoon, to take care of things around the house and try to get some studying done. He was supposed to have 3 tests the week after you were born. You changed those plans for him! So he had to reschedule them all. Also, that gave Grandma and Auntie Katie time to spend with you again. They each got to be there for part of the afternoon with you. They are both so thankful for that time they got to be there with you.
Grandma, Auntie Katie, Nolan, and I left to go back to their hotel before shift change. Everyone was telling me that I had to make sure to rest. I was still healing from the c-section and they were afraid I was overdoing it and not eating enough. It was hard for me to make myself leave you to even go eat.
Daddy started CNA class at 6pm and it went until 10pm. It was really nice that Grandma and Auntie’s hotel was so close. The plan was for Daddy to go there after CNA to shower and change before coming back to the NICU. It was also nice to have somewhere close to go to so I could rest. Our house isn’t too far from the NICU, 20 min, but when it has to do with missing time with you it seemed so super far away.
Grandma had a meeting to go to that night, so it worked out perfectly to drop me off. Auntie Katie and I talked about how we were going to have mommy time that night. She got Mommy and Nolan time and I got Mommy and Marcellus time. It was awesome to share that special mommy bond with her.
When I got back to the NICU there was note on your board that read “11/2 5:40pm Huge poop!!” We were so excited that you pooped. Good job! They saved the diaper to show us. Might sound gross, but Daddy and I are glad they did. I must have just missed your poop because I don’t think it was too much before then that we went to the hotel. I took a picture of the note on the board and sent it to Daddy. I knew he’d be really happy to hear you pooped. I also waited to look at the diaper until he got back. I didn’t want him to feel left out.
Your nurse that night was Angela. That was the first time you had her. She was really great. She said we got to try you on the nasal canula for k-care. That meant no more bubble cpap in the way! That thing was such a hassle during k-care and with the nasal canula both you and I could be relaxed. We tried it out and you did great! Mommy was so proud of you and excited about your breathing progress. We got to snuggle up just the two of us. I’m sure I fell asleep at some point. I always would during k-care. It was so relaxing for me to be with you like that. We both would often zonk out.
We were done doing k-caring before Daddy came back that night. After that I just got to stare at you like always. I could stare at you forever sweet baby boy. You were so precious and amazing to watch.
Daddy got back to the NICU around probably 10:30 or so. The first thing we did was check out your dirty diaper. And it was A LOT of poop! This is what Daddy wrote in his diary for that day.
Day 5 11/02/2011
You pooped! A LOT! Black tarry meconium. I have never seen meconium before and I have never been so happy to. I k cared you this morning and you gave me a scare of bradycardia. I don’t like it when you scare me like that. Momy has been here all day with you. Grandma even sat in for a bit. I had to spend the day with the dog/study. Guess what, the people in my CNA threw you a surprise baby shower. It was really nice of them. Mommy k-cared you at night. We put some canulas on to keep you oxygenated. That means NO bubbles during k-care. You weighted 2lbs 15oz after your big poop. Keep it up you are doing so awesome! Mommy is going to pump at 2300. I have dubbed the NICU nurses angels with name badges. They keep you going strong. A lot of people pray for you every day and no one loves you more than your mom and I.
Daddy was so excited to tell me about the baby shower his CNA class threw. He had NO idea they were going to. It was such a nice surprise and I couldn’t wait to see all the things they got you. That night we went through them when we got home. One of my favorite things is someone got you a little onesie that says “Mom’s little man.” We’ve kept most of the stuff from that baby shower for you. It’s the only baby shower you got to have. Your big baby shower was planned for 11/12, but you didn’t make it until then. I wonder what it would have been like. “Auntie” Beth was planning it.
Another day I wished I remembered more from. But I guess I don’t remember many details because we did the same things over and over every day. K-care, sit and talk to you, hold your hand, touch you in the isolette, hope that you were growing big and strong, worry about you.
Oh baby boy I just want you here. I miss you like crazy and always will. Why can't you be here with me now? You were doing so well! Everyone would always say how well you were doing. What happened that you're not here? How did this happen? The questions are coming back. The questions I asked right after you died. They are haunting me again. They have no answers and no answer would be good enough anyway, but I still ask. They're still there. I love you so much Marcellus!!! xoxox