A year ago: November 1, 2011

Thankfully I wrote a bunch of these memories down awhile ago to post because otherwise I don't think I would have the energy to write one tonight. I went back through what I wrote about November 1st and it was such an emotional day. The day I was discharged from the hospital. It brought flashbacks of when I placed Angela for adoption and I was discharged from the hospital without her.

A year ago today: Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Dear Marcellus,

I had been with you late the night before, but that didn’t stop me from getting there right away in the morning.  I’m not sure exactly when Daddy got to the hospital that day, but I know it was earlier. I can tell because he filled out my pump log for me and I pumped at your bedside that morning at 8:05am. There was a note on the board that said “It’s a poo!” from 0600. I guess it was a teeny tiny one, but we were so excited! Yup, excited about poo. We had been a little worried that you hadn’t yet.

Your grandma, aunt, and cousin slept in a bit that morning, so they didn't get there right away. They needed to after the long drive. And even once they were up they took forever to get ready. They were getting all beautified for you sweet boy. Doing their hair and everything. Grandma even wore a fancy flower in her hair. You only saw her looking her best! At first I was antsy for them to get there, but then I was thankful for us to have the morning just the three of us. My favorite times, when our family was together. You. Mommy. Daddy. Our beautiful family.

We waited until after your 9am care to get you out of your isolette. I’m sure Daddy changed your diaper then, because like I said before Daddy changed way more diapers than Mommy. Since Daddy missed out on seeing you the night before and k-caring with you like we originally planned (stupid PICC line), I let him k-care with you that morning. I say let because Daddy would have had me do all the k-cares. Not because he didn’t want to, but because he’s such a nice Daddy and wanted to make sure that I was getting all the time with you I needed. I absolutely adored seeing the two of you together though and I knew Daddy needed time with you too. My boys, snuggled up together. The most precious site ever. So I shared J We have a video of Daddy doing k-care that morning, it’s the second time he got to hold you. He didn’t know he was going to k-care with you that morning and you can see the anticipation on his face as he waits for your nurse, Lisa, to move you to him. Lisa had you a handful of times. We really liked her and we think she really liked you too. All the nurses adored you in the NICU baby boy. 

Your precious little foot! You had such long feetsies and toes.

I think before Daddy was done k-caring you I went to lay down. I let you have some guy time without Mommy around. I was really tired and wanted to take advantage of my last day in the hospital. While I was gone Daddy took a couple of videos of you. One is when you’re being put back in your isolette and getting your bubble cpap straightened out (that thing was a pain). The other is just one of you snuggled up in your isolette. I love seeing those videos that Daddy took because I know he took them while he was just staring at you. Amazed at his little buddy. Daddy would just sit and watch you a lot. He loves you so very much sweet boy. 

That afternoon Daddy left to run some errands and take care of things at home (like your furry big brother, Perk). That also allowed Grandma and Auntie Katie to come in and visit you. We could only have two people by your bedside at a time. Grandma could be there by herself, but couldn’t bring any visitors. Auntie Katie had to be with Daddy or I. So, whenever they were visiting either Daddy or I couldn’t be in there. I remember that Grandma came in first. I stayed for a little bit with her, but then I needed to get something to eat. That’s the first time you had alone time with Grandma. I don’t know what you all talked about. She always told me it was secret between you and her. That she told you that she wouldn’t tell me. I think this is when she started calling you her Lil Boo. 

I went and had lunch with Auntie Katie and your cousin Nolan. It was a little hard to be with them because everyone would always comment on how adorable your cousin is. Don’t get me wrong, he IS adorable, very adorable. But you were more adorable of course! I just couldn’t wait to have you out and about and get to show you off to the world. 

After we were done eating Grandma and Auntie Katie switched out. It may have been around your 3pm care because I think I remember that Auntie Katie changed your diaper (there Mommy goes again, not changing your diaper. I really got away without changing many. I figured I’d be the one changing you most once we got home). You still hadn’t opened your eyes yet, but Lisa thought you were close. She rubbed at your eyes a little bit to see and the right one popped open! Auntie Katie got to be there for that, I know that’s special to her. We just hung out with you that afternoon and Auntie Katie would put her hands in with you and talk to you. She called you her Lil Bumpkins and really liked to pat you on the butt when you had it sticking up in the air, which you liked to do when you were laying on your tummy. 

I don’t know exactly when Grandma and Auntie Katie left, but they did so Daddy and I could have some time with you before I got discharged. I waited to get discharged until shift change (6:30pm – 7:30pm). Daddy brought a little notebook with him to write in. We had watched some video thing in the NICU the day or two before where they mentioned keeping in journal. I said “I should do that” and I never did. I’m so glad Daddy went ahead and got one to write in. To keep track of how you were doing. I’m going to type it up here, so that we always have it in case something would happen to Daddy’s diary.

Day 4 11-01-2011 1800 48degees clear

Marcellus’s nurse today was mostly Lisa. I got to do k-care in the am when I arrived. At 0600 you pooped a little, but not since. You are digesting which is good. Mom is doing an awesome job getting milk for you. She even fixed her right breast which was engorged. You have been prone a lot to aid in digestion and respiratory. Your stats are good and they even reported that you opened your right eye! Dr. Ryan checked on you and I asked a lot of questions pertaining to you. I worry about you constantly. I want you to grow up big and strong. These people will help you do that. Mommy and I leave the hospital today. A very emotional end to the most exciting weekend we ever witnessed. Mommy is taking pics of you. If your incubator was big enough she would stay with you forever snuggling. You are still on your cpap machine. And will be for a couple weeks. Get healthy little one. Your Gma, Aunt Kate, and Cousin Nolan came to visit you this week!

I love you! Daddy. 

Here's a picture of you curled up in your isolette while Daddy writes to you in his journal

My favorite thing from that is when he said I would have stayed snuggling with you forever in your incubator. It’s true baby boy. Momma would have crawled right in there with you if I could have. And Daddy didn’t know that when I was taking pics of you I was also taking pics of him writing in his journal. It was so sweet to see him writing about his son.

Not much longer after that it was time to get discharged. I was dreading it so much. We had gotten all my stuff together and actually had already done the discharge paperwork earlier in the day. I just had to wait for them to bring a wheel chair and wheel me out. Daddy had to go ahead to get the car and bring it around to the front door. I started crying as the lady wheeled me out. It was so hard to leave there without you. It made me think of when I had your sister. Leaving the hospital without her meant the last time I saw her. I knew this was different, but it was still so hard. Grandma and Auntie had gotten a hotel just down the road so that’s where we went. When we got there they came out to help us get the stuff out of the car. I had to bring my pump and everything. When we got inside I just started crying. Grandma even had me sit in her lap. I do remember saying, “How come I can never leave the hospital with my baby?” Because like I said it made me think of Angela. Grandma said she had thought of that too. And she just held me. (Oh baby boy, I thought that was going to be the hardest part of your journey. Leaving the hospital without you that day. I never ever imagined. I never ever thought I would have to walk out of that hospital without you for good. )

Grandma and Auntie Katie had brought some things with them from people in MN. Daddy and I opened them in the hotel room. One package was from your Grandpa and Grandma Gieseke. They sent a really nice super soft blanket, a toy turtle (Grandpa always asks about our turtle Kirby), and a little blanket rattle thing. ( I just know the soft blanket they sent would have been your blankie. So right now Marcellus Bear is wrapped up in it. )

Daddy went to get us food and I stayed and pumped in the room. I guess he got lost when he went. It started taking a long time and I got super antsy. Daddy was supposed to have CNA class that night, but he skipped since it was my discharge night and we knew it would be hard. He got back, we ate quickly and went right back to the NICU to be with you. 

I remember just wanting to get to you as quickly as I could. That’s the first time I had to walk from the parking deck to the NICU. My room wasn’t too far away from the NICU so this was the furthest I had to walk. I remember I started walking too fast and had to slow down because I could feel it around my incision. It was hard to not sprint to you. 

When we got back to the NICU your night nurse was Tammy again. She had been your nurse the night before.( I wrote that I thought she had lost a son. I was right. Daddy ran into her at work just the other day. Tammy’s son died from Potter’s syndrome. She and Daddy talked for a little while at work. I don’t know his name, but I bet you’ve met him already.) I got to k-care with you and it was very needed. After the emotional discharge snuggling with my sweet baby boy was the best thing I could do. Oh how you just melted into me every single time. It didn’t matter what else was going on in the world. All that mattered is I got to be with you.  While I was k-caring you Daddy took a couple of videos. The last one he took was just a close up of you with your right eye open. It’s dark and you can’t see the image very well but that doesn’t matter. It’s the first time Daddy saw your eye open. He is just oohing and awing over you and your open eye. It melts my heart to hear that. What a proud Daddy you have. 

I don’t know how late we stayed that night, but it was until at least 1am or so. Maybe even later. We loved being there at night. It was so quiet and cozy. I did not like leaving you though. I wanted to stay all night. But Mommy had to get rest to because I had to be able to make you milk and not get sick because then I wouldn’t have been able to see you at all.

So sweet boy, that is your 4^th day of life in a nutshell. It was a big day for you. Seeing the world for the first  time. I wonder what the was like to have only one eye open. I love you so much my squirmy wormy (two videos from that day we have used squirmy wormy in the title, I think this is the day you really started to get that nickname).