A year ago: November 5th, 2011

 Still behind and finding it difficult to get myself to sit down and do these remaining posts. I think because they were the most amazing days, abruptly followed by the worst day. But I will try my best to go back to the beautiful day a year ago.

A year ago yesterday: Saturday, November 5th, 2011.
Marcellus was 8 days old.

Dear Marcellus,
We started the morning going to Motherhood Maternity to get me some nursing bras and shirts. Pumping is a lot of work and I felt like to be the most successful at it and eventually at breastfeeding I needed to have functional clothing. Getting you breast milk was so important to me. I was so looking forward to when I could actually breastfeed you instead of having to pump. It hurts we never got that moment together. I never got to have you at my breast. I did as much as I could though to get you all the milk I could. We went to the mall, I thought the stores opened at 9am. They didn't open until 10am. I was already super antsy to get to the NICU. I wasn't used to getting there that late in the morning. But there were still things that needed to be done around the house and Daddy would try to get them done in the morning so we could be at the NICU for the rest of the day. I just wanted to wake up and leave for the NICU. We got to the mall before 10am. Not by a whole lot, maybe 10 minutes or so. But I cried when I saw that store wasn't open. We sat on the bench outside and I cried because waiting for them to open meant more time away from you. While we waited I called you in the NICU (sidenote: I just realized the other day I still have the NICU number in my phone. I saved it as "Marcellus." How I would give anything to dial that number and get to hear about you or talk to you. To have that really be a phone number to you baby boy.)

Lisa was your nurse again that day. She told us you were doing just fine and having a good morning. I told her to tell you we'd be there as soon as we could and sorry we weren't there when we thought we would be. I felt so guilty not being there. You should have been with your mommy as much as possible and here I was sitting at the mall. Once they opened the store, we went in and I picked out a handful of bras, some new nursing tanks, a couple of nicer nursing shirts, and a pair of super comfy nursing pajamas. The pajamas came with a light robe thing, perfect to k-care you in. I was actually wearing that the day you died. I haven't worn it since, in fact it hasn't been washed. It's what you were touching as you took your last breath, the last thing you touched alive as I clutched you to me. I don't know if I will ever wash it or wear it again.

We finally got to the NICU late morning. Oh how excited I was to see you! We decided not to get you out until after lunch. I needed to pump anyway and then there wouldn't be much time to have you out before I needed to go eat. I'm sure somebody else was thinking about me eating, I wasn't very good at that. I wouldn't feel hungry because I was so focused on you.

A picture I took when we first got there. You were wide-eyed saying, "Hey Mom! I've been waiting for you. So glad you're here."

That afternoon you and I did get to k-care. I remember you being particularly squirmy. You had gotten yourself curled up in a "C" on my chest. When it came time to put you back in your isollete (I always dreaded that part) you stayed in that position. You were so silly! So of course, I snapped some pictures of you.

The position you had gotten yourself in on my chest. You silly squirmy boy!

We stayed in the NICU until shift change when we had to leave anyway. Then Daddy and I went out for dinner, a little date night. With everything going on Daddy and I decided it was important for us to stay connected. Yes, we spent lots of time together when we were in the NICU with you. But that was with all the machines, the nurses, and other medical staff around. We needed to make sure we stayed strong together, so we could be there for you. So we could get through your NICU stay. We went to sushi and it was good. But it was weird being out without you. Just like when I wrote about the day before when we were at lunch with Grandma, Auntie Kate, and Nolan. I just wanted to tell everyone about you. I made sure my hospital bracelet was showing. And we definitely did not linger once we were done eating. We got back to the NICU to be with you.

Daddy got to k-care you shortly after we got back since I had to pump anyway. Before Rod (same nurse as the previous two nights) got you out, Daddy started taking a video. He wanted to capture what it was like form his perspective to have you moved to him. While Rod was getting your untangled from your wires Daddy did a little tour around the room. The videos can be hard to watch, but this is one we have hardly watched at all. The reason is because of something Daddy says. I don't have to see the video to remember, it sticks with me and haunts me. He shows you your little room and says, "rumor on the street is that you'll be leaving here soon." What he was talking about is that you were supposed to be moving out of the intensive room and in to the middle room. You were the most stable baby in the intensive room, so as soon as another baby came in you'd move to the next one. You instead left that room 4 days later because you died. Not because you got to move to the next room. I remember thinking about how I didn't really want to go to the next room (nicknamed the "Glass Room") because there was less privacy. Where you were had little cubicle walls between each baby. You had your only little cubical. The Glass Room didn't have that and was open. Oh how I would give anything to be in that Glass Room with you. To have you moved out of where you were because you were alive and healthy not because you died. No one expected you to get sick. They all said you were moving soon. You were doing so well. So so well.

After Daddy got his snuggle time, I got to k-care with you again (we switched out). Two times in one day! That was the first time I got to hold you two times in one day! Oh I was so excited, it was awesome. We just spent the evening together, you, me, and Daddy. Just how I liked it. My favorite time, being there at night with you. Staring at your Daddy holding you. Having Daddy read to us while I held you and talk to us. Being with my boys. My two favorite boys.

I will never be with my boys again. Not in this lifetime. I will never come home to my boys. Get to post a picture of my boys. Because even if this baby is a little brother, it will be so hard for me to say "my boys" because one will always be missing. You will always be missing. And I will always be missing you. I love you sweet boy! xoxox