Thankful

Today for Thanksgiving I wanted to write a post about what I am most thankful for. While I am thankful for my family in general, what I am most thankful for is motherhood. My journey as a mother is not what you would traditionally think of, but I am a mother. Having placed my first child for adoption, surviving my second child's death, and currently carrying my third child this journey has many roads with ups and downs. But I am thankful. So thankful I was chosen to carry these beautiful children, to be their mother.

My journey started when I was 16 years old in an unplanned pregnancy. As my heart immediately transformed into a mother heart full of mother love. It is with that love I chose adoption for my first born, a beautiful little girl. I was 17 when she was born on 10/28/2002 and I knew I would do anything for her. And I did. I sacrificed my mother heart and did what I thought was absolutely the best thing for her. I still get updates with pictures a couple of times a year and I see how grown up she's becoming. She's an amazing little girl, still so beautiful. She carries on some of my characteristics. She is in a wonderful home with a very loving family. Of course sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have raised her, to have a ten year old daughter her with me. I would have given her all I could. I am thankful to have carried her, thankful for her life, thankful for the loving family she has, thankful for the updates I get, thankful she is healthy and happy. Seeing those pictures with her beautiful smile face makes my mother heart smile right along with her.

And sometimes I wonder if I would have chosen to parent Angela, would Mike and I have met? We met in college, and the way things where if I would have had raised Angela I doubt I would have went to college when I did. I really can't imagine being with anyone other than Mike. I am so thankful for him, but this post is about being thankful for motherhood. Without Mike, I wouldn't have my first born son, Marcellus Robert.

I never thought it would be 9 years later that my motherhood journey would expand. After having Angela, I knew I was meant to be a mom. I wanted to raise a child more than anything, but I wanted to be able to give that child everything I could, so I waited. I waited until I was truly ready and Mike was ready too. We waited until that moment, and that moment brought us Marcellus.

Once I got that positive pregnancy test my mother heart immediately expanded. This time it was different, this time I was going to bring my child home. This child was mine to raise and parent. This child was ours. I had a loving husband by my side, what could possibly go wrong? And then he was born at 28 weeks 5 days, for no known reason on 10/28/2011 (Angela's 9th birthday). What an amazing day though, meeting my sweet baby boy for the first time. And those days to follow, while difficult yes, were complete joy. My baby, that was my baby. And then he died. My last act of mothering him while he was on this earth was to hold him as his little heart stopped beating and tell him how very much I love him. But I am thankful for it all. I am thankful for the complete bliss I had during his pregnancy, thankful for getting to the hospital in time the day he was born, thankful for the NICU he was in that allowed him to live the days he did, thankful I could be there as much as possible, thankful for every single second I had with my him (especially those amazing k-cares!), thankful I could provide him with breast milk, thankful to be with him when he died, thankful he has inspired and touched so many, thankful for every memory, thankful to share his life. Oh how I am so thankful for that little mister. While Angela first made me a mother, Marcellus truly transformed me in ways I couldn't imagine. I've said many times, if this is the journey I have to go on to be his mother, then I will because I could not imagine not having him.

And now, my third child. My rainbow, baby Beamer. I am 23 weeks 6 days today. Another road in my motherhood journey. I pray and pray this road leads to bringing a healthy baby home. This new road does not take away the other roads on my journey, they weave in and out, crossing paths. But this new road has hope. The hope does not take away the pain, it does not make me miss my sweet baby boy or my first born any less. I do miss them both, though in different ways. I am thankful for this new road on my journey, thankful for every second I have with Beamer, thankful for the kicks, thankful for my growing belly, even thankful for the intense heartburn I've been feeling, thankful for the vigilant doctors I have, thankful for the extra precautions and monitoring that is being done, thankful for this hope.

I am thankful for motherhood.

Marcellus, while your sister first made me a mother, you my sweet boy gave me the opportunity to be a mother. I may have only gotten to mother you for 12 days on this earth, but I am forever your mommy. I will continue to try to find ways to mother you. I am so thankful for everything you have given me, I am so so so thankful for you my son. My son, my squirmy wormy, my amazing little warrior. How could I not be thankful for you?! I will go down this journey because it means you were here and it means I am your mom. Happy Thanksgiving baby boy! My heart is full of thanks for you, your siblings, and the gift of motherhood today. I miss and love you so much! xoxox.