Next step of pregnancy

I came to write about the anxiety the upcoming specialist appointments and cerclage surgery is giving me. Before I opened a new post I decided to go back and read the post I wrote when I was around Lark's gestation. I'm 12 weeks now and getting out of the "miscarriage danger zone." I know there is no true safe zone in pregnancy. I know too well. I know too many women that know too well. But statistically the chancee of miscarriage has greatly decrease, so my worry and anxiety now shifts to how to keep this baby put until he/she is ready to be born. I remember writing that "Please live" blog post, but I didn't remember writing the following part. And it's so true, so so true.

Once we get through the first trimester and the risk of miscarriage decreases I then start worrying about the cerclage and premature labor. I honestly love love love being pregnant. I love it so much. But the emotional toll it takes on Mike and I is high. It really is. It is so emotionally draining. We are so excited and so happy, but we are also so very scared.

Just the other day I was in tears talking to Mike about that very thing. The stress of all the appointments. The progesterone shots each week (starting at 16 weeks). And the cerclage surgery. The damn cerclage surgery. Of course, it's what I need to keep this baby in. We learned that in Weston's pregnancy. But oh how I do not want to go through that again. How I do not want to question every little twinge and stretch and odd feeling I may have. And every single Braxton Hicks contraction that will happen throughout this pregnancy. To feel my sanity slip when I wonder if I really could be in premature labor and end up in the ED or L&D.

When I was pregnant with Weston we talked about how if he needed any NICU time he would very likely be our last baby. We just couldn't emotionally handle any more than that. Well, his pregnancy and labor/birth went about as perfectly as it could (with all the interventions needed to do so). And so (obviously) we didn't rule out another baby. We thought we would need to wait longer in between to feel emotionally ready to go through a pregnancy again. But motherly urges can get you unexpectedly. We upped our timeline for our hopeful age spacing and ta-da, here I am pregnant. And super happy and excited about it! But really, now that it's getting into specialist and cerclage time I can't help but find the thought "What the hell were we thinking doing this again?!"

I know it'll be worth it. I know when I'm holding this baby in my arms I won't think about what we had to do to get him/her here. And really I do love pregnancy and labor and birth. The normal parts of it that is. Feeling the baby move, the growing belly, the glow, the amazement at how a woman's body labors and births her baby. During pregnancy I feel the most beautiful, I feel goddessy. If I could have normal pregnancies I would have all the babies. I would maybe even consider being a surrogate.

But I don't have normal pregnancies and it takes such an emotional toll. I'm pretty sure this is our last baby. I don't think I can do it again. I just can't. It's too much. I miss the naivitey we had during Marcellus's pregnancy. Oh how I wish I could go back to that during pregnancy. Fear, anxiety, worry...there's just so much of it now. Enough of it that the question"What the hell were we thinking going through another pregnancy?!" really does come to mind. We question a pregnancy with a baby we love and want and are so happy and excited about. That sucks.

So we'll get through this pregnancy. We'll hopefully have a repeat of how things went with Weston. Will have our sweet baby come April. And in a few years when my ovaries start aching again, someone show me this post. Because I honestly think this is the last time I can do this.

Marcellus, your pregnancy was beautiful. We didn't have this underlying fear and anxiety. The fear and anxiety that at times can override the joy and excitement. I miss that feeling. I miss that pure joy and excitement. I'll never have that again. And because of all that fear and anxiety this is likely the last little sibling you will have. I hate that decision is dictated moreso by the emotional toll of pregnancy than our desired family size. Oh how I love having babies. It's so amazing. So the thought of this being the last pregnancy, the last time I give birth...it's a tough one in itself. But it needs to be the last time I deal with this level of fear and anxiety. The last time I do those damn progesterone shots, the last time I get a cerclage, the last time I fear the NICU, the last time I spend months wondering if I'm in premature labor, the last time for multiple ED and L&D visits within a few months. Oh my love, this sucks. Not being pregnant, I love that. But the worry and everything that comes with making sure I stay pregnant long enough. I miss you sweet boy. I miss you beyond words. Love you always! xoxox