Please live

If you haven't heard the news yet, I am pregnant! At this writing, I'm very early and we haven't done a big announcement yet. I'm writing this on 9/2 while I'm about 5.5 weeks pregnant, but won't post it until we've announced. Right now I'm around the gestation that I started spotting with my Lark . Around the time our excitement turned to fear and our hopes started crashing down. We tried to hold on to hope, but a few days later that hope was smashed when I officially miscarried Lark at right around 6 weeks gestation.

And now this new baby, my Sola, is hopefully growing safely. But there's no guarantee. There's no window into my womb to see that development is taking place as it should. And so, I find myself holding my breath as "Please live!" runs through my mind. When I'm trying to fall asleep at night it plays as a broken record, "Please live, please live, please live," over and over and over again.

I want this baby to live so badly. I just want a baby that is not directly a rainbow baby. I think some use the extension of the term rainbow baby to all children born after a loss even when there's not a loss in between. I do feel that way too. The loss of Marcellus has shaped me, has shaped pregnancy, has shaped how I parent. So any baby I have born after him I will consider a rainbow baby. But can I just have two babies in a row without any loss or complication in between? Without going through a period of intense grief over the loss of a child? Can this baby please just live?!?!

I've taken 11 pregnancy tests to make sure the line is continuing to get darker. I skipped yesterday and then felt the anxiety creep in as I am so close to Lark's gestation. It was a big pack of cheap pregnancy tests off the internet. I'll probably take them until their gone. It won't get me to our first appointment on 9/12, but it will get me through this gestation that is Lark's.

The anxiety is real. The fear is real. And it won't stop after the first trimester. Once we get through the first trimester and the risk of miscarriage decreases I then start worrying about the cerclage and premature labor. I honestly love love love being pregnant. I love it so much. But the emotional toll it takes on Mike and I is high. It really is. It is so emotionally draining. We are so excited and so happy, but we are also so very scared.

Trying to take it one day at a time. For today my Sola is healthy.

Note on the nickname: We found out I was pregnant the evening we got back from our trip to SC for the solar eclipse. It was an amazing experience, so we chose a nickname to represent that.

*Finally posting this on 10/20. I am now 12 weeks 4 days. Last appointment was 2 weeks ago and everything looks good. Next appointment I have is with the specialist next week to talk about the cerclage.

Dear Marcellus, another little sibling for you! You are quite the big brother. We had our friend make shirts for all the big brothers to announce this pregnancy. Of course you have one as well. We have it so that it will fit Marcellus Bear. I wonder what size you would have needed and what color you would have picked out if you were here. I wonder if you'd be as excited as your little brother, Ethan, about having a new sibling. All I can do is wonder. Your brother, Ethan, is very excited. And when we told him he started to say "now we'll have 5 people..." and he stopped to really thing. He then continued "Now we'll have 6 people in our family!!!" He thinks of you often, sweet boy. He loves you just as fiercely as he loves his brother here on earth. It's amazing to see his bond with you. I wonder as Weston grows if he will be the same. And this new baby, Baby Sola, I wonder about him/her too. Oh how I love you all so very much! Each and every one of you, Lark too. Oh Marcellus. I miss you so much! Love you always and forever, xoxox.