Why hello there October

Why hello there October. Here you are again. Here you are to taunt and torment me and get me ready for the inevitability of another birthday to pass by. Another year completed since I exclaimed the words "We have a boy!" with pure joy and excitement to my glowing husband immediately after our first son was born. The joy and excitement that for that moment out rode the fear and unknown of his premature birth. 

And it's you, October, your sights, your sounds, your smells, your events, your Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness* that can bring me to a halt. It's you that can make me question my level of sanity and ability to cope during this most difficult, but beautiful, time of the year. But have no fear, October, we will make it through. We have made it through five previous Octobers without that beautiful baby boy here. We will, once again, make it through this sixth October. Six. He would be turning six.

But October, you suck. It sucks. And your friend, November, sucks even more. Because for even though you suck October, you are most precious. You are his birth month. You hold his special space. So as much as I hate you, as much as I struggle through you, you are everything. You are everything that is his time of year.

So, I guess, let's do this. Let's do this again like we do every year. Because I have no choice. But what I do have a choice on is to celebrate him. To bring awareness. To speak of him, to share of him, to show my love for him. To remember, always.

*Note: October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month with October 15th being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  

Dear Marcellus, your month is here. Your beautiful birth month. It simultaneously sucks and is so special at the same time. Everything about it makes me think of you. Everything. I can still remember so vividly some of the last things I did and enjoyed about October before you were born. And of course I still vividly remember the day you were born. The fear was immediately washed out with joy when I heard that little cry of yours and the doctor told us you were a boy. So much joy, my love. I was on top of the world in that moment. Of course once we were settled there was fear and uncertainty about your NICU stay, but it didn't negate the joy. It never negated the joy I felt for being your mother. And no matter what, I will always be so thankful to be your mom. You are amazing. And oh how I love and miss you, my sweet boy, my firstborn son, my squirmy wormy, my little mister. You are everything. xoxox