Another wedding

I just got back from a trip to MN. Things have been crazy busy around here getting ready for it and then being gone. I'm sure this week being back and getting caught up will be busy too. But still I want to get back into blogging more (and my therapists thinks I need to write more too). I have so many things to write about even just from this short trip to MN. And October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, with October 15th being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. So even though I'm exhausted and wanting to just do nothing right now, I will write.

I left on Thursday morning, very very early, and just got back this evening. Of course the main reason for any trip to MN is to visit Marcellus's spot, but the reason this trip was taken at this particular time was for a good friend's wedding. After lots of debate we decided Mike wasn't going, which turned out to probably be best because he has an exam tomorrow. It's always hard to be away from him, and I hated that he wasn't getting to visit Marcellus's spot too.

Now regarding this friend's wedding, she's been one of my best friends since our fist year of college. We were roomies for a couple of years and she was a bridesmaid in my wedding. I was so excited for her when I found out she was engaged! I always hoped I would be in her wedding too one day. Well she got engaged toward the beginning of March (or somewhere in there). She called to tell me and asked if I would be her Matron of Honor! Oh how I wish I could have just squealed and said "Yes! Of course!" I know I would have if Marcellus were alive. Mike, Marcellus and I would have all made the trip. Mike would have had Marcellus while I was in the wedding. My mom was invited, so when she left she could have just taken Marcellus with her while Mommy and Daddy stayed dancing into the night.

But I couldn't answer that way. I couldn't because he isn't here and I didn't know what would be going on. We were struggling at the time to decide if we were ready to have another baby. I had no idea if and when I would be pregnant. I couldn't commit to traveling at the end of Sept because I knew I'd be high risk in a pregnancy. I didn't know what my restrictions would be. I just couldn't promise to do that. I also knew I wouldn't be the Matron of Honor she was looking for. I wouldn't be able to be someone to help make wedding decisions and plan special things for the bride. I wouldn't have been able to because grief is selfish and I wasn't (and maybe I'm still not) at a point where I be that person for other people.

We talked it over and we mutually decided it was best if I didn't. She even said to me, "I know I would be worried that you were doing okay." What a sweet friend to be concerned about me on her wedding day, but I didn't want that. I didn't want her to worry. She was to work it out that I would have some other special, but much more minute role for that day. I would still be involved. I would still be able to be there while she was getting ready.

Yesterday was the big day and it was a beautiful one. I did my part as "Flower Assistant" by helping with corsages and boutonnieres. I also picked up food for the bridal party and relayed some messages back and forth. It felt good to help, but it wasn't the same. At one point I walked into the getting ready room while the Matron of Honor and Maid of Honor were working on the final details of their speeches. That should have been me. I should have had a speech to give. My heart sank a little then as I headed upstairs to take my seat in the pew.

The ceremony was beautiful. The bride and groom both looked so great and so so happy! But again, the vows...just like the wedding we were at in July, the vows got me. Now they didn't use the exact version Mike and I did with the "for better or for worse". Their version said, "in joy and in sorrow." Oh I pray this newly married couple never experiences the sorrow Mike and I have endured. That they spend so much more of their marriage purely in joy than we did. Not that our marriage isn't joyful now, but it is tainted with sorrow. I tried not to let it get me, but it did. And another super amazing good friend (she was my date, since Mike couldn't be there) that was with me caught that. She squeezed my arm. There's something about someone recognizing your struggle that can be so helpful.

Another moment during the ceremony that got to me was during the pastor's sermon. It was a really good sermon, overall I enjoyed it. But at one point he was talking about all the things that might be thrown at you in a marriage, sickness, financial struggle, etc. What he did not mention was your child dying. No, no one expects that to be thrown at you. I even leaned over to my friend and said "or a dead baby." Yeah, not the post appropriate thing to say in the middle of a wedding ceremony. And yeah, that's me being very angry and cynical. That can happen. But sometimes I just need to say it, get it out, or it will manifest in my head. I knew she was the type of friend that could take that comment and be supportive. So I let it go. I got it out, even if it was at a bit of an inappropriate time.

For the most part the rest of the time was just fine. Of course I wish I could have spent more time with the bride. But I understand how crazy your wedding day is. The reception was decorated beautifully and it seemed like people where having a great time. It's not that I had a bad time or anything. I had a good time, but that's relative to me. I'm still uncomfortable in large social settings. There were many children and babies around that I wanted to hide from, but didn't. I couldn't help but think of what it would be like with my 11 month old son there. It's also still hard to be a part of something that is pure happiness. My heart is always aching, it's hard to imagine that at one time I had that pure happiness and hope. I'm so glad they have that, I really am, but I can't help that it makes me sad for myself too.

Then I thought I was doing fine, ready to try to have some fun. But then they announced the Mother/Son Dance to the song "God Gave Me You." And my heart shattered. Not that the song has any particular meaning to me. I don't honestly really know it that well. But the combination of the Mother/Son Dance and that song title that was chosen for it. God gave me a son, but he didn't let me keep him. I will never have a Mother/Son Dance with Marcellus. Even thought that is something that would be well over 20 years away, it is something I won't have. Another thing I lost when Marcellus died. I lost being at his wedding and dancing with him to a special song.

With tears in my eyes, my "date" offered to go outside with me. We did. We went for a walk, sat at some picnic tables and she let me just talk. I needed that. I needed to cry about never getting to see him get married. I needed to grieve for the mother/son relationship I will never have with him. She listened while we talked and she offered her love and support. I am thankful for that conversation.

We eventually went back in and enjoyed a bit of the reception before taking off. It was a mixed emotion type of day. But overall, I'm glad I went and I am so happy for the bride and groom. They are a great couple and I wish them nothing but the best in their marriage!

Marcellus, Momma wishes you were there to celebrate the wedding of my friend too. She would love to have met you and have you at her wedding. It's just something about being at big gatherings like that that in a way makes your absence so much more apparent. I see everyone around me with their complete families, and compare it to my empty arms. It was hard to think of how I will never hear your excited voice as you tell me you've found the perfect person and you're getting married. I will never see you marry the love of your life and be there for your wedding day. I will never have that special Mother/Son Dance with you. And baby, that hurts. It makes my Momma heart ache so much for you. I have to wait for the day when we are able to dance together in Heaven. I can't wait sweet boy. I love you right up to the moon and back! xoxox

Confused

Today I am feeling very confused. This whole time right now is so confusing. My emotions are such a mix and I can't keep them straight.

I miss my boy, I miss him everyday. I still grieve for him. My heart aches. Sometimes I can smile when I think of him. He warms my heart, my amazing little warrior. Others I am a big ball of tears because he is not here. And now, now I am carrying his little brother or sister. A new life, hope. We are happy to be pregnant again, we are excited. But we are scared beyond belief. This whole pregnancy is a roller coaster, there is a lot of worry and fear. And the realization that this baby is not Marcellus, no baby will ever be Marcellus. We could have 10 more babies, and he will always be missing from our family. Will Beamer bring healing to our hearts? I hope so, I hope we find some healing with this precious baby inside of me. But at times Beamer in a way makes me miss Marcellus more. The dreams we have with Beamer, those same dreams we had with Marcellus, the ones that were so cruelly taken away from us.

How do I balance this? I do I balance a baby that will hopefully be here (better be here, please God let this baby be born healthy and live a very very long time) to raise and a baby that is in Heaven. How is that done? I'm so confused. My heart is confused.

Everything is so different with this pregnancy and all because Marcellus is not here. It's not fair. Not only is my son gone, but now I can't enjoy my pregnancy with his little brother or sister the way I enjoyed his. None of it's fair.

This may sound crazy and it probably makes me not a good mom to Beamer, but sometimes I just wish I was pregnant with Marcellus. That we were back in 2011 and expecting our first child together, that this was Marcellus's pregnancy. That this baby I am carrying was my squirmy wormy that I love so very much. I have yet to post any bump pictures to Beamer's blog*. We've taken some and I do have a little baby bump. Today I was going to make a new post over there and add them. I thought it would be fun to compare the pictures now with pictures from my pregnancy with Marcellus. I pulled up those pics and my heart dropped. How happy I looked. The glow in my eyes. The pure pure joy, untainted.

And this may sound stupid, but comparing those pictures, I was so much cuter pregnant with Marcellus. My belly, my face, everything. Way cuter. Probably mainly because I started this pregnancy heavier. I started it heavier both because Marcellus was born and because he died. I never did get rid of all my baby weight with him and really I think most of what was still there was grief weight. It almost makes me not want to post pictures of me pregnant now. But that's not fair to Beamer.

This is the balance I am trying to figure out. I want this pregnancy to be like Marcellus's, but it's not Marcellus's pregnancy, it's Beamer's. I am so lost and confused right now.

I'm 15 weeks pregnant now, so to reminisce of Marcellus's pregnancy, here's a picture of me taken at 16 weeks. That's when my bump really started to pop and when I started to feel those wonderful movements. The first time I felt my squirmy wormy squirming all around. Amazing.

16 weeks pregnant with Marcellus

Dear Marcellus, I loved being pregnant with you. Once I started feeling those squirmies they did not stop. You were always one active little boy! I'm trying my best to balance all the feelings I have for you and for Beamer. It's so hard sweet boy. I just want you both here. I want to be 15 weeks pregnant with an almost 11 month old on my hip. Sometimes I dream that this is you I am carrying. Is that crazy? Does that make your Momma crazy? I know this is your little brother or sister and that it's not you. I just miss you so much my sweet boy. So very much. Sometimes that leads to crazy, irrational thinking I guess. One thing that I know isn't crazy or irrational is the insane amount of love I have for you! I love you so very much. So so so very much! xoxox.
 
*If you want to read Beamer's blog for updates, email me at mommyandmarcellus@gmail.com. I can then send you the link to do so.

Making you think I am okay

I've gotten really good at making you think I am okay. At showing you a smile, giving you a laugh. I've gotten pretty good at being productive and staying busy. Looking like I have it together. I can talk to you about those every day things. Sometimes I can even go out and try to do something fun.

But I am still dying on the inside. Behind that smile is more pain than you can know. That laugh, even if not forced, is not the same laugh it once was. That productivity and busyness is my survival. I can't be still for too long for fear of the thoughts taking over. When we talk about those every day things, all I can think about is my boy. My boy that is not here. And those fun things are still uncomfortable for me to do. To be out in public doing something like every other person when I am not like every other person, it's hard.

Dear Marcellus, even when on the outside it my seem like everything is okay, I'm still very much hurting on the inside for you. I may be able to do a lot more than I did right after you died and even enjoy some things. But none of that takes away the pain of you not being here. That will always hurt, no matter how many good, wonderful, and fun things are in my life it will always hurt to be missing you. I love you so very much my sweet boy. So so so so so very much! xoxox.

These walls

These walls, sometimes they are my fortress and at others they are my prison.

One day I feel their protection and the next I feel trapped.

They protect me from the world outside. The world where babies don't die. That world I do not belong to.

But at the same time they keep me trapped in this world. This world of dead babies. Away from the world where babies don't die and where there is hope.

Protected and trapped. My fortress. My prison.

Flashes

Every now and then I get flashes in my mind. Flashes of what was, what is, what should be.

Sometimes I have flashes of my pregnancy with Marcellus. Most recently this happened when making chocolate milk, my favorite drink when pregnant with him. I almost expected to look down and see my giant belly and feel him squirming around (yes, the squirming that got him the nickname "Squirmy Wormy" started in utero).

Sometimes I have flashes of what it was like to be in the NICU with him. To have him balled up cozy on my chest. Or to have my head resting against his isollete in exhaustion as I made sure to have my hand gently cupped over his tiny body. Letting him know Mommy was there. Sometimes the things I say bring me right back to the NICU. Asking Mike if he wanted to "snuggle" the other day. "Snuggle time," what we and the nurses often referred to kangaroo care as.

Sometimes I have flashes of that day. That day he died. Flashes are all I can recollect of that day. Flashes of seeing my boy fighting for his life. I've even had flashes of the moments afterward. The people at my house. The emptiness.

And my favorite, but yet almost the most painful of flashes, that ones of what should be. Sometimes I can just see him. How big he would be. What we would be doing. Every time I leave the house when Mike is home I get these flashes of handing him Marcellus. Telling them to have a good "Boys' night" and running down a list of paranoid mommy things.

These flashes are hard, but I am thankful for them. Thankful that I can still see my boy in my mind. That he's there with me, always.

Marcellus, I wish I had more than just the flashes in my head of what should be. I wish those were real. That you were here and you and Daddy could have boys' nights together. When I get flashes from your pregnancy or the NICU I want to go back. I want to go back to that time when you were alive and be with you. To feel you move in pregnancy, to sit at your isollete all day, and to hold you cuddled up on my chest. If we can't have the should be's then I want to go back and relive the what was. Oh my sweet baby boy, I love and miss you so very much! xoxox

Big brother

Dear Marcellus,

I know you already know this because you're the first Daddy and I told. Plus you probably already knew before we did. I haven't written to you about it yet though, so even though you already know, I'll tell you again. YOU'RE A BIG BROTHER!

From the moment you died, Daddy and I have said you will always be the big brother in our family. No matter what, this baby and all your other little brothers and sisters will know about their big brother. About you my sweet boy. You are and always will be such an important part of this family. And they will know you are the best big brother ever! 

You're little brother or sister is due to arrive mid March. Mommy and Daddy are very excited and very scared all at the same time. It's very different than when we were pregnant with you. Not only are we scared that something will happen to Beamer (your little sibling's nickname), but we are also missing you just as much if not more every moment of every day. We are exited though. We are excited to be adding to our family. That you are a big brother. That you will be a part of Beamer's life, even though you are not on this earth. We are excited to hopefully bring Beamer home, do the things with Beamer that we didn't get to do with you. But that also makes Momma sad. Makes me realize more and more how much we're missing with you. How I should instead have you here, 10 months old, in your "Big Brother" shirt instead of writing it in chalk at your grave (which by the way, sorry it's so muddy in your picture, they had just planted grass seed when we were there). We got to be there and tell you at your spot just a couple of days after we found out.

I miss you squirmy wormy. I miss you so much. No matter how happy having Beamer here will make us, it will never take away the hurt of you not being here. It will not make your death okay. It will in a way make me miss you more. I will always look at our family and know you are missing, see exactly where you would be. No matter how many little brothers and sisters you have, our family will never be complete on this earth. Only when we are reunited in Heaven will our entire family be together. And that's hard baby boy. That's so hard.

I want you to know this is still your little place on the internet. Our special place. Where I can come and talk about YOU and how much I miss YOU and what it's like to be YOUR mommy. There are times I will write about this pregnancy, about Beamer. Because now being your mommy is being the mommy of a big brother in Heaven. There are many things I feel now about being pregnant and about Beamer and things that come up that are very much related to you and to grief. Those times I will write here, on your blog. I hope you understand that.

I hope you are excited to now be a big brother because Beamer is so lucky to have you as a big brother!  I just wish we could all be together sweet boy. Mommy, Daddy, Marcellus and Beamer. My family of four. The three of us down here on earth all love you so very very much! xoxox

So yes, we are expeting our rainbow.

What is a rainbow baby?
A "rainbow baby" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

Like I said to Marcellus, this is his blog. About him and my journey as his mommy. I have started another blog, Briging Home Beamer (because hopefully that's what we'll be doing!). So far I have only written one post there about the day we found out. You can read that post to see where the nickname Beamer comes from. Here's what I wrote about why we use it.

"I never like saying "the baby" for this pregnancy, because Marcellus is still our baby too. We now have two babies. I will sometimes say  "this baby," but most often we do use the nickname Beamer when talking about or to our newest family member."

I will be going back and writing on Beamer's blog about the doctor's appointments and other things we've had/done up until this point. I'm just a little behind. So this one time I will update here how things are going. At 12 weeks 1 day, everything is going perfectly with Beamer. In the future I will only write about the pregnancy and Beamer when related and connected to being Marcellus's mommy and grief.

So if you are a fellow grieving parent reading Marcellus's blog, I hope you will continue to do so. I know I found it hard, especially in the early days of grief, to read about any pregnancy, even of a rainbow.

I do also want to note that I will most likely be making Beamer's blog private. I want to keep Beamer's blog beyond pregnancy. I want to be able to post pictures and talk about things we do with Beamer. I'm paranoid about having that be public. Really I'm worried about someone stealing Marcellus's pictures from this blog too. But no one can hurt Marcellus. When I do make Beamer's blog private, you'll just need to email me, mommyandmarcellus@gmail.com, and I will send you an invite to be a reader. You can even email me now and I will add you as soon as I switch it over. Thanks for your interest in knowing about both of my babies.