Our getaway, part 1

Well, we've been back for a week and a half now and I'm finally sitting down to write about our trip to Asheville. Like I say every post, I need to write more! I really wish I could write as often as I started out doing. I'm not not writing because I don't have anything to write about. I constantly have at least 5 posts "written" in my head! I'm not writing because I'm actually being productive at times and being productive makes me tired.


Anyway, over spring break Mike and I went to Asheville for a few days. Let me start by saying we had a good, bad, up, down, relaxing, stressful, fun, overwhelming time!

It's about a 4 hour drive from here and is in the mountains. For 3 1/2 years we've been saying "We need to go to Asheville." We actually almost planned a trip in the fall to go. It was going to be right around the time Marcellus was born. I guess there's a reason we got too busy and never got around to going then.

We had to delay our trip a day because Perkie got sick. What probably wouldn't be a big deal to many, sent us to the vet immediately and ordering expensive blood work on the dog. Yes, we freaked out and probably overreacted, but we NEED him right now. When he got sick, both Mike and I worried that something was going to happen and we would lose him. So we were totally okay with waiting a day to make sure our poochie was well enough before we took off.

Leaving Perk was also hard. I know that sounds so pathetic, but it's true. We haven't been away from Perk since getting back from MN three weeks after losing Marcellus. He's been our constant, he's been part of our comfort zone.

The main reason for taking a trip was for us to get out of our comfort zones. Mike pointed out how we rarely leave them. We have the comfort zone of our house (where we sometimes let other people come into), the comfort zone of group, and the comfort zone of going to the house of the couple we met at the TCF candle lighting ceremony (they lost their infant son 20 years ago), and the comfort of doing things with people from group. He was pretty much right, we never do anything else. We rarely even go out to dinner. We had gotten good at ordering out from places that deliver or things we can just bring home. Occasionally we'd eat somewhere, but we'd make sure it was at an obscure hour so it wasn't busy.

But going to Asheville and staying at a bed and breakfast...totally out of our comfort zones! We did stay in a bungalow suite, so we weren't staying in the main house of the B&B. I don't think I would have been able to handle that. But we did eat breakfast each morning with a handful of strangers. The part of bed and breakfast that Mike really hadn't thought through before.

We got to Asheville on that Thursday. We ate lunch at a really good vegetarian cafe where they have green water. They put chlorophyll in the water. I honestly didn't realize at first that the water was green. I thought it was the glass. That night we went for pizza. Nothing too fancy, but the place was recommended to us by some friends that had been there before. And it was great pizza! We sat outside because the inside was really loud and hectic. It was nice though. We had some amazing jalapeno poppers, the delish pizza, and each had a beer. The beer in itself was a big deal. That's the first pint of beer I had since getting pregnant with Marcellus. We enjoyed our food and each others company.
 
The first morning we were there was a Friday, it was also Marcellus's 4 month angel birthday. We could have chosen to skip the breakfast, but isn't that part of the point of staying at a B&B...killer breakfast? So we went. It was only us, another couple, and two friends there. At one point they started talking about their kids. Older kids, but their children nonetheless. I wanted to join in the conversation with "oh, we have a 4 month old!" But instead I very quietly ate my very delicious spinach and artichoke quiche.

As we were finishing up our breakfast one of the owners was sitting at the table with us. He asked about Mike's "Daddy of an Angel" bracelet. No one has asked about our bracelets yet, not a single person. So we got to tell them a little bit about Marcellus. And I of course had pictures with me, so like the proud momma I am I whipped them out to show everybody! Then we learned that both the owners had sons that were premature. One had a son that was born at 28 weeks...yup, the same as Marcellus. AND he had NEC. The difference, that baby survived. He is now a 34 year old man. He did struggle with complications from it throughout his life and still does a bit. The other had a son born at 34 weeks (I'm assuming 34 weeks because he said 6 weeks early) and when born the baby weighed 3 lbs 1oz (or maybe 3 oz, can't remember exactly). Marcellus weighed 3 lbs 2 oz when he was born and almost 6 weeks earlier than that baby...my big boy! Both the owners did talk about how they never got to really hold their babies when they were in the NICU. That did make me very thankful for the advances that allowed us to spend so much time holding Marcellus.

After breakfast I did have a mini melt down. But at least I did it among beautiful orchids. One of the owners is a master gardener and has a greenhouse on the property. We were able to go in and look around and sort through how breakfast went. While I would never ever ever wish this upon anyone and I was thankful to hear that both the owners' children had survived, part of me struggled with that. How come they could save that 28 weeker 34 years ago? 34 years ago that baby fought NEC and survived. Four months ago my baby fought NEC and lost. How does that work?! The famous question, "why my baby?"

Being the 9th, we had to go to a cemetery. It's a place we find comfort, a place we feel more connected to Marcellus. So yes, on our vacation we went to a cemetery. We went to two actually. The first one is a historic cemetery, Thomas Wolfe is buried there. It's actually a very neat old cemetery. I would have loved to walk around more there. We drove around it first on the windy hilly roads. That cemetery has quite the vibe. Then we got out and walked around. We had brought Marcellus's story, "Guess How Much I Love You" with us and wanted to read it to a baby. This might sound completely bizarre to some people, especially if you haven't lost a baby, but I got upset that we couldn't find any "new" babies to read to. So in our grieving parent state, we decided to go to a more "modern" cemetery. We ended up being there over Marcellus's time of death. Still a major melt down time for us. We gathered ourselves together and read his story. I did feel better after that, that we made sure to take time for him on his angel birthday.

I will have to write about the rest later. I'm being wordy and it's taking me longer than I thought and I'm sleepy. I'll shoot for tomorrow. And I promise we did do fun things while there!

Marcellus, Daddy and I are glad we got to tell people about you and show off your pictures while we were on our trip. We wear our bracelets and necklaces because we are proud to be your mommy and daddy. Everyday though I struggle with you being gone. I want you to be here with us. I want to show you off in person. I love you so much sweet boy, right up to the moon and back! xoxox

A tiny flower

To many today is just March 16th, the day that comes after the Ides of March. But today, is a very special day. Today is Lily's 2nd heavenly birthday. Who is Lily you ask? Lily is the beautiful daughter of my dear friend Hannah Rose.

I met Hannah Rose at group. She was at the first meeting we attended. Since then we have messaged each other on facebook, swapped blogs (her's is a lot nicer looking and fancier than mine!), texted back and forth, gotten together outside of group and really become friends. She is an amazing mother to know. She is an incredible witness to the Lord and I look to the strong faith she has as guidance for myself. You should really check out her blog "Rose and Her Lily" and read her testimony. She's pretty amazing :) Her post today in honor of Lily's life is very beautiful.

Today I want to honor Lily on her special day. Today I want you to know how special, beautiful and amazing this little girl is. She has changed the lives of many without even taking a breath on this earth. I never got the chance to meet or see Lily, I didn't know Hannah Rose when she was pregnant, but that doesn't matter. I feel like I know Lily. I know her through her mother. I can only hope that Marcellus is living on as much through me as Lily is through her mommy.

I wish I knew Hannah Rose for other reasons. That our children were part of the same play group or we were in a mommies exercise class together or something. But this is our reality. Our little ones already in Heaven waiting for us. And although this is the circumstance I met Hannah Rose under, I am very blessed to have her and Lily in my life.

I just know Marcellus and Lily found each other in Heaven. They probably found each other before their mommies even met. They definitely have taken part in building this friendship Hannah Rose and I have. Not too long ago Hannah Rose came over and we shared our children's things. She showed me many of her favorite things of Lily's and I showed her all of Marcellus's. I really felt like a mommy then. It felt really good.

Tomorrow I have the privilege and honor of partaking in a balloon release for Lily. I'll also get to see her scrapbooks her mommy has been working so hard on. And yes, you read that right...scrapbooks, plural. Lily has 2! Because she is so loved and special.

About a week and a half ago friends of ours were able to visit Marcellus. They asked if we wanted them to bring him something. I like him to have fresh flowers. I am usually not too picky about what kind he gets. But I had an idea. He needed to have lilies! Even though it was a week and a half before Lily's birthday, that's what made me think of it. He needed lilies for his friend Lily. Here's a picture my friend sent to me of that night. Look at that sparkly snow! It was gone the next day, but don't the vibrant lilies look so beautiful against the pure white snow? When my friend sent the pictures she labelled them Marcellus_Lily. It really touched me to see their names together like that. My Marcellus and Hannah Rose's Lily, together.

So today dear Lily Katherine, we honor you and not only your time here, but your legacy that lives on.

"A tiny flower, lent not given, to bud on earth and bloom in Heaven."

Dear Marcellus, I know you have wonderful friends in Heaven with you. We all wish you could be here on earth with us, with your mommies. I hope you and Lily have fun together. Does she watch out for you? Does she maybe act a little like a big sister to you? Although your time here was too short, you are both such a gift to this world. I miss and love you so much baby boy! xoxox

I hate this

In my last post I said that I would write about our little getaway we had over the weekend. I will probably still write about it, maybe over this weekend when I have more time. But for now all I have to say is...

I HATE THIS!

I hate having this blog. 
I hate writing in a journal to my son, instead of whispering in his ear. 
I hate that the other night we spent our time designing his headstone to be just perfect.
I hate that we'll make an Easter sign to put at his grave.
I hate I only have a teddy bear to snuggle with, and not my sweet boy.
I hate going to group.
I hate struggling to find ways to do things for him.
I hate that we have an "in memory of" March for Babies team.
I hate that I now know so many moms that have lost their sweet babies too.
I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!


Now obviously a lot of these things are helpful for me. Things I need to do/have right now. But I hate them. I hate them because the only reason they happen/exist is because Marcellus is gone. So I hate everything about them.


I hate seeing my husband in so much pain and not being able to take it away.
I hate that I feel jealousy and hurt when I see other people with their babies or pregnant.
I hate how unfair this all is. 
I am so sick of crying.
I am so sick of feeling lonely.
I am so sick of never knowing when the next break down will be. What will trigger me today?
I'm so sick of not sleeping well.
I am so sick of this life.

But the 12 days I had with my precious baby boy were worth all this heartache. The love I feel for him is worth all the pain. I wouldn't trade it. I wouldn't give up this miserable life if it meant never having him at all. He is worth every second of it.

Dear Marcellus, the pain and hurt I feel now is only because I love you so much. It's because you were here and you did live that Momma hurts so bad. And that makes it worth it. I would do anything for you. And if this is what I have to go through to be your mommy, then I will. I will do this for the rest of my life because for the rest of my life I get to say, "I am Marcellus's mommy!" Not a moment goes by that I'm not missing you. I love you sweet boy! xoxox

Taxes

First I want to mention that this is probably the longest I've gone without writing. Mike and I were out of town for a mini getaway. I will have lots to write about that this week. I don't have enough time or energy to get into it at the moment.

What I want to write about quickly is doing our taxes. Yes, taxes. If you have come across this blog because you are also unfortunately a member of this babyloss club, then I want to warn you. A lot of people may have already done them. But hey there's still a little over a month to go, so maybe people still haven't. I use Turbo Tax to do ours and I'm not sure if all software or doing them by hand lays things out in the same way. So it might be different.

I did know doing the taxes were going to be hard. It's a time where we get to claim Marcellus as ours. To say he was here and he IS (not was, is) ours. It's the last time I will get to use his social security number. The only other times being to apply for Medicaid (after he died) and for the funeral home (they ordered his death certificate for us). In fact we didn't even get his social security card until the day after he passed away. Ironic huh? The official word that he's in the government system, the day after he's gone.

I got a little nervous starting, but then I actually got excited to add him as a dependent. My child. Our child. Claiming him as our son. I put in his information and then there's a few boxes to look through to check. Yup, there it is. I don't remember the exact wording, but it said something like "this person became deceased in 2011". Que tears streaming down my face as I check that box. I was just bawling. Yes he is ours. BUT, he is deceased. Gone. I will never need that page in Turbo Tax for Marcellus ever again. I will never get to list him as our dependent ever again. I pray that I will get to use that page in the future. And hopefully next time it will be for more than one tax filing. I had to take a break and I hadn't even gotten through the personal information yet.

And no, none of it was about the tax breaks or the bigger refund. As I went through the deductions and saw the "child credit" and all of the things that were different on this years taxes than last years my heart kept breaking. That's money I should be spending on him. On new baby clothes, diapers, toys, carriers, portraits of him. Instead maybe we'll set some aside for a random trip to MN to visit his grave sometime or get him some things to put as his grave.

I would give it all back. I would give back all of my tax refund, give away all the money in our checking and savings account, give up everything we own, I would give EVERYTHING to have even just one more moment with him. One more time to kiss him, hug him, whisper "I love you" into his ear. I would give up anything and everything.

And as a warning to those of you that have lost children recently...
I saw this story posted in a loss facebook group that I am in. It's about ID thieves stealing the identities of dead children. Basically the story is about a family who's tax return got rejected. It's because someone else had already claimed the child they lost in 2011. How disgusting is that?! It makes me sick. That family is already going through enough and now to have to deal with this...my heart hurts for them. I really hope this story is unique and there aren't others out there. But this world can be a pretty messed up place, and unfortunately there are probably more like that family that have suffered at hands of identity thieves.

It's actually reading that story that pushed me to get our taxes done. I'm so paranoid now that someone will have done this with Marcellus. That maybe this blog will be to blame too. That they'll see his name and his birth date here and be able to find his social security number in one of those stupid deceased registries the news story talks about. I guess I'll find out soon enough whether the government accepts or rejects our return. I will absolutely lose it if something like that happens to us.

Okay. at the beginning I mentioned that I was going to write quickly. This has not be as quick as I thought it would be. I have so many thoughts floating around in my head that I'm sure I will be posting often this week.

Marcellus, for a moment today I smiled at being able to claim you as our son. To say (even if it's just to the IRS) that yes, we have a son! That brief smile turned quickly back into heartache. I also had to say that you are gone. I'll never get to tell the IRS about you ever again. I would give anything to have you here baby boy. I would give up everything we have. I hope you know that. Nothing is more important to me than you. I love and miss you THIS much! xoxox

Guilt and failure

Today out of nowhere thoughts about the moments leading up to Marcellus's birth hit me. And along with it - guilt. GUILT. Lots and lots of it.

How did I not know I was in labor? Actually I did know something wasn't quite right shortly after I got out of bed that morning. When writing his birth story and telling it I always say I didn't realize it until 5:30am. But that has been to protect myself. Deep down I knew something was wrong shortly after I got up.

I didn't want it to be. I knew I was only 28 weeks. Who goes into spontaneous labor at 28 weeks?! It was early in the morning. 5am or so. I didn't want to be "that person" that wakes my midwife for no reason. I didn't want to get Mike up and worried for no reason. So I waited. I waited until 6am. I thought that was at least not so early. I should have called right away. I should have just gotten Mike up and headed to the hospital. Those 2 hours (between 5am and when our midwife came and checked me a little before 7am and found me dilated to 10cm) could have made a huge difference. Maybe they could have stopped or slowed it down. Maybe I could have gotten steroid shots for his lungs. Maybe he would still be alive.

Instead I spent an hour trying to convince myself everything was okay. That it couldn't be labor at 28 weeks. Why didn't I know? Or at least acknowledge it? I knew deep down. I knew. I knew something wasn't right and I was scared. Why didn't I listen to my instincts? I labor quickly. 2 hours really could have made a difference. Right now I really believe it could have. And right now my grief is telling me that it could have been enough time to change the outcome entirely. He could still be alive if I had only done something differently.

And I don't think I've mentioned I had spotting about a week and a half before he was born. It freaked me out. But it wasn't much and it didn't last long. I had no pain, contractions, backache, fever or anything with it. So we wrote it off. My midwife told me spotting can just happen throughout pregnancy. The Maternal Fetal Specialist we have since consulted with said many OBs would say the same thing. But I should have known. I should have asked to be checked. To be monitored. I just should have asked. Maybe then we would have found out I was already slowly dilating and we could have caught the preterm labor. Again, it could have been delayed and I could have gotten steroids shots. And ultimately he could still be alive.

Even if there were no signs and I had no way of knowing, my body still betrayed me. My body still betrayed Marcellus. And that's hard to deal with. He was supposed to be safe in there, safe inside my womb. That was supposed to be his safe place. Instead my body kicked him out before he was ready. There was nothing wrong with him other than the fact that he was born prematurely. He wasn't born with a defect, he wasn't injured, he wasn't sick right away. He was strong, he was very healthy for his gestation. He was just premature. And because of that he did get sick. He got sick because he was no longer in his safe place. He got sick because he was betrayed.

Most of the time I can accept that everyone did everything they could to save him. Once he was alive his daddy and I did everything we could for him. The nurses took such good care of him. He had great doctors and a great respiratory team. Everyone worked hard to save him that day. There was nothing else they could do. No one could protect him any longer. I couldn't, his daddy couldn't, the nurses couldn't, and even the doctors couldn't.

But when he was still inside my womb I was the only one that could protect him. Only me, his mommy. That was my job. To keep him safe until his arrival. And I couldn't. I failed to keep him safe. I couldn't protect him.

This is how my grief is manifesting today. It is telling me, "if only you had done something differently, he would still be here. You're son would be alive. It's your fault he was born so early."

Not only do I feel guilty about the day he was born, but I feel like I failed him as his mother that day. I feel guilty that I didn't act sooner. That I didn't call or just go to the hospital. That I didn't ask to be checked the week before. But I also couldn't protect him. And that is how I failed him.

Marcellus, I so wish I would have known you were coming so fast that day. I'm so sorry I didn't know. I'm so sorry I didn't tell anyone sooner that I thought something was up. I'm so sorry baby boy. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you and keep you safe. I'm sorry I let you be born so early when you weren't ready. If I could have just kept you in a little longer you could be here. Actually I believe that if you were born even a day later you would still be here. If you would have gotten the steroid shots to help your lungs. Your lungs would have kept you strong. I'm just so sorry my little love. I want you here so bad and sometimes it feels like my fault that you're not. There's no reason you were born early, other than I couldn't protect you. My body betrayed us. Please forgive me.

Going to bed

I hate going to bed. I absolutely hate it. Every night I whine at Mike, "I don't want to go to bed!"

Sleeping has gotten somewhat better in the last couple of months. For about a month after Marcellus died we slept with the light on. Yup, every single night we, a married couple in our mid-late 20s, slept with the light on. It was mostly for me. I was afraid of the dark. I was afraid of the thoughts that would come out. The images I would see. Mike had to convince me to finally try it without one night.

I'm also no longer taking over the counter stuff to help me sleep. Well I do take it every now and then. But I was told that your body can get used to it and "need" it if you take it on a regular basis. 

But I still hate going to bed at night. There are a few reasons I hate it. First I hate laying there. I never fall asleep right away, never. I've never been one that can fall asleep very easily. My mind wanders. It wanders all over the place. But mostly about Marcellus. About what he would be like. About what we would be doing if he were here. About what it was like when he was here. About what happened to him. About what I could have done differently. About all the "what ifs." About how other people have responded to us losing him. About other babyloss moms. About if we'll have other children. Yes, my mind wanders like crazy. And it's not even that I think about any one of these things in details. My mind just bounces around in one sentence thoughts amongst everything and anything related to Marcellus. I hate that. I can't stop it.

My therapist says I'm supposed to write before bed and then do some relaxation techniques to help with this. I have to admit I'm not very good about it. Part of it makes me angry. I don't want to do those things. I don't want to have to convince myself to go to sleep. I should be so exhausted from being a mommy that I can easily fall asleep any second I get. I shouldn't have to work for it because I'm afraid to go to bed. Because Marcellus is gone.

Things tend to get worse at night. Often once I step into our bedroom to get ready for bed, I lose it. Bedtime is a time to wind down. Instead for me bedtime is a time I become flooded with emotions. If I had a busy day or a "shut down" kind of day (like today) where I try to ignore my emotions, they hit me at bedtime. For me it's usually the loneliest, emptiest time.

The other things I absolutely hate about going to bed is the fact that I am just going to have to wake up and do it all over again. Most nights I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Not have to do it again the next day. Just go to sleep and see Marcellus. But I don't even dream about him. Well I do dream about him, but never about him being alive. I beg God to let me have dreams of him alive. Either when he was here and in the NICU or what he would be like now. But I don't get them. He exists in my dreams, but it's always that he's already gone. Please can I just have one amazing dream where he is alive, please?

Mike's already sleeping. He had to get up early this morning and I slept in, so I wasn't ready to go to bed when he was. This is when it's the worst. When I have the most difficulty going to bed. He's not awake to help convince me it's okay to go to bed. He's aware of that too. Before he went upstairs he asked if I needed him to stay up with me. I'm sure that's part of it. That he knew I'd have trouble getting myself to go to bed.

So I should probably drag myself reluctantly up the stairs. Climb in bed clutching my Marcellus Bear and attempt to sleep. I should, but even after writing this post I'm still not sure that I will.

Marcellus, Momma hates going to bed because you're not here. You're not here to get up to in the night. I think about that a lot. About what it would be like to wake up to you fussing, bring you in bed to feed you and snuggle and just stare in awe at you in the middle of the night. I wonder what that would be like. I never got to get up to you. I pumped, so I had to wake up in the middle of the night. But instead of being woken up by your soft (or loud) cry, I had to set an alarm. I never got to wake to you baby boy. I would give anything to have been woken by you. To get up to your cries in the night. To not sleep at all because you are fussing all night. Instead I can't sleep because my thoughts are full of you. Because I miss you. Because I long and ache for you. Will you please come visit me in my dreams sometime, please baby boy? I just want a glimpse back into what our family was like when you were here. Or a glimpse into what you would be like if you were still alive. What would my squirmy wormy be like? Every night I'll go to bed loving and missing you. I love you so much Marcellus, so very very much! Oh how I wish you were here. xoxox

A big step

Yesterday I took a huge step. I held a baby. A newborn baby.

The mom is from my infant loss support group and her daughter was born a week ago today. I remember a while back at group I said that I just wanted to hold a baby. But it would have to be a baby I could cry all over. She told me once her baby came I could definitely cry all over her if I needed to.

I didn't know how I'd feel about holding a newborn baby. I was nervous and excited to meet the little lady all at the same time. Mike came with me and we brought a cake. I thought about if I should bring something for the baby, but there's no way I'm ready to do shopping anywhere near the baby aisles.

For awhile we just chatted with mom and dad while dad held the baby. There was no pressure to hold the baby or ooh and aah over her. We talked about a variety of things, including how it was for them going through a delivery this time and some of the anxieties. We had a good mix of conversation about all of our children. The new baby of course, their older son, the daughter they lost and Marcellus. All of them were treated equally in conversation. Something I relish about being with other parents that have lost babies. They know how to casually talk about their children and my Marcellus. With other loss parents I feel like I am a mommy, not just a baby loss mommy, but a real mommy.

Not feeling pressured to hold her I think really helped me transition into being in a room with a newborn baby. A baby that looks so big to us. The parents told us how it's so funny to hear that because everyone has been saying how little she is. But compared to our little 3 pound 2 ounce pumpkin, she looks huge!

We then had cake, which was delicious. And of which I had nothing to do with the making. So good job on the cake Mikey! By then I was finally ready to hold the baby.

So I did. I held her. I held her cradled in my arms, the way I never got to hold Marcellus until he was dying and after. She opened her eyes and looked right at me. Her mom said she doesn't open her eyes very often. It made me feel good. I like to think Marcellus sends me signs. He used this baby to tell me he's okay. She opened her eyes to look at me to tell me he's okay. 

To my surprise I didn't cry. Not one tear shed over the new baby girl. I think it really helps me that she's a girl and she was dressed all in pink. Not an outfit that would make me think of my baby boy. And I have to say it actually felt good to hold her. It felt right. Now when I go back and forth between wanting to try again or not I will think of how it felt to hold her. That it did warm my heart, even if just for a moment.

Instead of thinking of her as representing what we lost, I tried to think of her as a sign of what we did have. And what we could have again. Sometimes we focus so much on Marcellus's death that we don't think about the fact that he lived. He lived and he was here for 12 days. Holding the baby yesterday reminded me of that. Of having him here. Of holding him. Those are good memories, good things to think about.

I think we also have immersed ourselves pretty far into the baby loss world. Going to group, talking with other loss moms, going to the baby section of cemeteries, reading stories and blogs online about loss, buying every infant loss book out there. And I think that's okay. That's what we, or at least I, need to do right now. That doesn't mean I always will. But yesterday was a nice break from the sad stories. A happy ending. Babies do live and the do live most of the time. In this world I am in, that's hard to realize sometimes.

I'm not ready to hold just anyone's baby. For me it's different that the parents have experienced a previous loss. That this baby is what some would call a rainbow baby. I know what they've been through to get to this place. She's a little sign of hope. Hope that someday we too could be ready and hopefully blessed to have a rainbow.

I did have moments of guilt later in the day that I didn't cry. And who knows, next time I hold her I might shower her with tears. But that's okay. It's okay to cry all over her and it's okay to feel good about holding her. I have to tell myself that, either way it's okay.  I'm not betraying Marcellus by not crying and if I do cry doesn't mean I'm not happy for the parents.

Marcellus, holding that little (but big compared to you!) baby yesterday was good for Mommy. It helped me remember all the good, perfect, wonderful times we had with you here. That even though you're not here, I will always be your mommy. That even if someday we have a little brother or sister for you, they will be just that - your little brother or sister. Because you will always be a part of our family and they will never replace you. You will always be the big brother, little siblings will not take your place. They will just add to our family. I do so wish that I could hold you again and see you peek up at me like the baby did yesterday. I really miss you sweet boy! I really really miss and love you! xoxox