Mike and I just watched a video of Marcellus and I've been looking at some pictures. Who is that person? It certainly can't be me. Who is that couple so happy with that beautiful baby? Can't be my family. How can it be, how can it be me and my family in those videos and pictures? I honestly don't recognize myself. That can't be me just 3 months ago. It can't be because there's no way I could have been that happy 3 months ago when this is how I feel now.
Three months ago at this time I got to introduce my mom to her grandson, her Lil Boo. It was Halloween and my mom and sister had just driven straight through (with my nephew) from Minnesota. I was still in the hospital, but able to walk and move around a lot better. Mike and I had a good day with Marcellus anticipating our visitors' arrival, telling him all about them. Mike had gotten an orange bucket and filled it with candy. He wrote "Happy Halloween from Marcellus" and gave it to the nurses. I was SO excited for my mom and sister to come and meet my son, to show him off to my family.
I don't know that excited happy person anymore. She doesn't exist right now. Instead all I know how to be is a grieving mother, lost without her son. Beyond that I don't know what to do with myself. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that this is my life. We had a baby, he was perfect, our life was beautiful and happy, but now it's gone. Marcellus is gone and he took so much with him. Right now I just feel so empty.
So where did those people from the video go? Will they ever be back? No, I'm afraid those people no longer exist. Will we find happiness again someday? I don't know. Right now it doesn't feel like it, but I've heard it does happen. Even so, even if we are happy again one day we will not be the same people in those videos and pictures. Those people had no idea, they had no idea what it is like to watch your newborn son die. We do and that means we can never go back.
Here's a poem I wrote a few weeks after he died.
My heart is broken
My soul is empty
My world turned upside down
I am a mother
but something's missing
my baby is no longer around
He was taken
all too soon
we only had 12 days
But in that time
he changed our lives
he gave us memories
Now I sit here without my child
without my son to kiss
When he left he took my heart
he took my happiness
Marcellus, I feel so empty without you here. You made us so happy, everything seem so complete. Without you nothing feels right. I am so thankful for the memories we do have and the videos and pictures. I treasure all of that so very much. Thank you for being in our lives sweet boy. Thank you for being my son. Mommy loves and misses you! xoxox
My journey of mothering my sweet boy that I hold in my heart, but not in my arms.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Getting the mail sucks! Seems everyone knows that we should have a newborn baby at home. Somehow we are on a mailing list. I'm assuming it's from Motherhood Maternity where I shopped a few times during my pregnancy and then once while Marcellus was in the NICU for nursing clothes (of which I hardly got to use). They would have all my information on file there including his due date. There could be other lists out there who knows. Anyone know how to get off of them? I don't know if I have the energy to figure it out.
A few days ago Sears offered a deal on newborn photos. They don't know that we got our family photos done, that they were done in a funeral home days after our son had died [side note: one of my biggest regrets is not getting professional photos done in the hospital right after Marcellus died, some day I'll probably write about that because it tears me up]. Today we got an offer from Vista Print for birth announcements. I thought about doing birth announcements, even after he died. Just kind of an announcement of his little life. But again I just don't have the energy for it. Mike said there's been other coupons/ads in the mail. He just didn't tell me about it.
If all these companies know he's supposed to be here, shouldn't there be some way to tell them that he's gone? That when he died he would be taken off these "lists." Who would have thought something that was supposed to be helpful and fun to get in the mail would turn out to be so painful. Just as we were done getting sympathy cards, coupons and ads for our baby that is no longer here start rolling in. It's just cruel.
Oh and since I mentioned Motherhood Maternity, let me list out the number of things I didn't get to use. I have two shirts that I was saving for when I was REALLY big that were never worn, a pair of black dress pants that I was going to wear to teach in the day he was born, a couple of shirts I had bought just the weekend before Marcellus was born (I did wear them after he was born), and some of the nursing clothes. I think the week before Marcellus was born I was nesting a bit. The weekend before he was born we registered at a local baby boutique where we were going to get most of our cloth diapers from, I ran a bunch of errands getting stuff and insisted we get a new desk and chair that would work better in his room (since we only have 2 bedrooms it was always going to double as an office), we registered at Buy Buy Baby, and I HAD to have the desk and chair put together within a few days of getting it.
What gets me the most is that the Saturday he was 8 days old we spent a lot of time getting me nursing bras/shirts. I remember being so antsy to get to the NICU, but the store didn't open up until 10am. We got there a little before it even opened and I think I even cried while waiting. I just hated being away from my baby! I remember calling the NICU to check in on him since we weren't going to get there as early as I had hoped. We probably didn't get to the NICU until around 11 because of it. I was so mad about that, not getting there as early as I wanted to. But I knew if I was going to continue pumping as much as I was and then doing extended breastfeeding I had to give myself the best chance at it. I thought getting nice bras and shirts would be helpful. One of the shirts I was going to wear to his baby shower that was scheduled the next Saturday. We never made it to his baby shower, and I never got to wear most of the stuff while he was alive. In fact, I wore the shirt I was going to wear to his shower to his funeral instead. It was a shirt I got for him, so I wanted the first time I wore it to be for him. I also wore it my first day of teaching this semester when I was really nervous because I wanted to feel connected to him. I need to put the rest of that stuff away. I can't just wear it for "everyday". I don't know how I'll feel about wearing the clothes for (hopeful) future pregnancies/nursing. If Marcellus were alive I'd of course use my maternity/nursing clothes for future children, but since he's gone it's like that stuff is special to him. Something I have from him.
Marcellus, Momma wishes you were here to use all the coupons we're getting in the mail. We'd have fun with all those things. I'm sorry for the times we didn't get to the NICU as early as we should have. I wish I would have never left you there without Mommy or Daddy with you. I miss you sweet boy, I miss you soooo much! And of course I love you with every ounce of my being. xoxox.
A few days ago Sears offered a deal on newborn photos. They don't know that we got our family photos done, that they were done in a funeral home days after our son had died [side note: one of my biggest regrets is not getting professional photos done in the hospital right after Marcellus died, some day I'll probably write about that because it tears me up]. Today we got an offer from Vista Print for birth announcements. I thought about doing birth announcements, even after he died. Just kind of an announcement of his little life. But again I just don't have the energy for it. Mike said there's been other coupons/ads in the mail. He just didn't tell me about it.
If all these companies know he's supposed to be here, shouldn't there be some way to tell them that he's gone? That when he died he would be taken off these "lists." Who would have thought something that was supposed to be helpful and fun to get in the mail would turn out to be so painful. Just as we were done getting sympathy cards, coupons and ads for our baby that is no longer here start rolling in. It's just cruel.
Oh and since I mentioned Motherhood Maternity, let me list out the number of things I didn't get to use. I have two shirts that I was saving for when I was REALLY big that were never worn, a pair of black dress pants that I was going to wear to teach in the day he was born, a couple of shirts I had bought just the weekend before Marcellus was born (I did wear them after he was born), and some of the nursing clothes. I think the week before Marcellus was born I was nesting a bit. The weekend before he was born we registered at a local baby boutique where we were going to get most of our cloth diapers from, I ran a bunch of errands getting stuff and insisted we get a new desk and chair that would work better in his room (since we only have 2 bedrooms it was always going to double as an office), we registered at Buy Buy Baby, and I HAD to have the desk and chair put together within a few days of getting it.
What gets me the most is that the Saturday he was 8 days old we spent a lot of time getting me nursing bras/shirts. I remember being so antsy to get to the NICU, but the store didn't open up until 10am. We got there a little before it even opened and I think I even cried while waiting. I just hated being away from my baby! I remember calling the NICU to check in on him since we weren't going to get there as early as I had hoped. We probably didn't get to the NICU until around 11 because of it. I was so mad about that, not getting there as early as I wanted to. But I knew if I was going to continue pumping as much as I was and then doing extended breastfeeding I had to give myself the best chance at it. I thought getting nice bras and shirts would be helpful. One of the shirts I was going to wear to his baby shower that was scheduled the next Saturday. We never made it to his baby shower, and I never got to wear most of the stuff while he was alive. In fact, I wore the shirt I was going to wear to his shower to his funeral instead. It was a shirt I got for him, so I wanted the first time I wore it to be for him. I also wore it my first day of teaching this semester when I was really nervous because I wanted to feel connected to him. I need to put the rest of that stuff away. I can't just wear it for "everyday". I don't know how I'll feel about wearing the clothes for (hopeful) future pregnancies/nursing. If Marcellus were alive I'd of course use my maternity/nursing clothes for future children, but since he's gone it's like that stuff is special to him. Something I have from him.
Marcellus, Momma wishes you were here to use all the coupons we're getting in the mail. We'd have fun with all those things. I'm sorry for the times we didn't get to the NICU as early as we should have. I wish I would have never left you there without Mommy or Daddy with you. I miss you sweet boy, I miss you soooo much! And of course I love you with every ounce of my being. xoxox.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Name
I love love love seeing Marcellus's name written out. It's such a beautiful name, Marcellus Robert. It's also a name very rich in family ties. Marcellus is my grandpa's name. Robert is Mike's grandpa's name and Mike's middle name. My grandpa is still living, he outlived his great-grandson and never even got to meet him. I often wonder how he feels to have his great-grandson named after him be dead. We were going to use the nickname Marc for Marcellus. Mike's brother's name is Mark. In fact, most of Mike's family does refer to Marcellus as Marc.
There are so many things to grieve with the loss of a child. Included in my grief is Marcellus's name. Sure I can still get things with his name on it and I (and hopefully others) will still use it in conversation. But I'll never get to whisper it in his ear with an "I love you" as he sleeps, I'll never get to teach him how to write it, I'll never see it on his school papers, I'll never shout it out with his middle name included in frustration at him, I'll never see it on any certificates (other than birth and death) or diplomas, I'll never be able to hear it at his wedding, I'll never get to hope he'll pass part of his beautiful name on to his children.
I've asked myself if we knew that Marcellus was going to die, would we have given him that name - the name I love so much and means so much to our families. Yes, we would have. We didn't find out that Marcellus was a boy until the day he was born. We had a girl name pretty set, but were still going back and forth on our boy name. We were pretty sure we wanted some combination of Marcellus, Robert, and Christopher (Mike's dad's name). I wouldn't name Marcellus until I saw him. Because of the c-section and that he had to go straight to the NICU means for five hours he was "Baby Boy Lennon". When Mike came back with pictures of Marcellus right after he was born he really wanted to name him Christopher. I told him we had to wait to name him. As soon as I saw my precious baby boy I just knew he was Marcellus Robert. After spending more time with our son, Mike quickly agreed. It wasn't until a couple of days later we learned that Marcellus means "young warrior." That has affirmed our choice of our son's name. He will always be our young warrior. He IS Marcellus Robert.
To see how beautiful Marcellus's name is written out, check out his memorial post here from "Christian's Beach" If you go to the homepage you can see the names of other babies and children gone to soon written in the sand of a beach in Western Australian. At first I kept comparing Marcellus's sunset to that of some of the other children. I even thought I liked a few of the other ones better. On the website under the FAQs they state "We like to believe that the children themselves choose the time and the sunset that their names are written under. We believe the sunset you receive is the sunset your child has given to you." The more and more I looked at Marcellus's sunset, the more I knew it was just that. It is definitely a Marcellus sunset, a sunset he created just for his mommy and daddy. It is so perfect and when I look at it I just get the feeling of Marcellus.
"Christian's Beach" is run by Christian's mom, Carly. The main webpage is Carly Marie Project Heal. She has many resources there, including some for friends and family. She's also has a facebook page where you can keep up with all the amazing things she does. We are able to purchase a high resolution file of Marcellus's sunset to support Carly in her mission to continue to help bereaved parents. We will definitely be hanging this on our wall. It is so beautiful! Thank you Carly for all your wonderful work.
Marcellus Robert, you have such a beautiful name. I hope you love it as much as Daddy and I do. I can't wait to shout it out to you on the day we see each other again. You are our brave young warrior. Thank you for the gorgeous sunset. We know you made it just for us. Love and miss you like crazy! xoxox
There are so many things to grieve with the loss of a child. Included in my grief is Marcellus's name. Sure I can still get things with his name on it and I (and hopefully others) will still use it in conversation. But I'll never get to whisper it in his ear with an "I love you" as he sleeps, I'll never get to teach him how to write it, I'll never see it on his school papers, I'll never shout it out with his middle name included in frustration at him, I'll never see it on any certificates (other than birth and death) or diplomas, I'll never be able to hear it at his wedding, I'll never get to hope he'll pass part of his beautiful name on to his children.
I've asked myself if we knew that Marcellus was going to die, would we have given him that name - the name I love so much and means so much to our families. Yes, we would have. We didn't find out that Marcellus was a boy until the day he was born. We had a girl name pretty set, but were still going back and forth on our boy name. We were pretty sure we wanted some combination of Marcellus, Robert, and Christopher (Mike's dad's name). I wouldn't name Marcellus until I saw him. Because of the c-section and that he had to go straight to the NICU means for five hours he was "Baby Boy Lennon". When Mike came back with pictures of Marcellus right after he was born he really wanted to name him Christopher. I told him we had to wait to name him. As soon as I saw my precious baby boy I just knew he was Marcellus Robert. After spending more time with our son, Mike quickly agreed. It wasn't until a couple of days later we learned that Marcellus means "young warrior." That has affirmed our choice of our son's name. He will always be our young warrior. He IS Marcellus Robert.
To see how beautiful Marcellus's name is written out, check out his memorial post here from "Christian's Beach" If you go to the homepage you can see the names of other babies and children gone to soon written in the sand of a beach in Western Australian. At first I kept comparing Marcellus's sunset to that of some of the other children. I even thought I liked a few of the other ones better. On the website under the FAQs they state "We like to believe that the children themselves choose the time and the sunset that their names are written under. We believe the sunset you receive is the sunset your child has given to you." The more and more I looked at Marcellus's sunset, the more I knew it was just that. It is definitely a Marcellus sunset, a sunset he created just for his mommy and daddy. It is so perfect and when I look at it I just get the feeling of Marcellus.
"Christian's Beach" is run by Christian's mom, Carly. The main webpage is Carly Marie Project Heal. She has many resources there, including some for friends and family. She's also has a facebook page where you can keep up with all the amazing things she does. We are able to purchase a high resolution file of Marcellus's sunset to support Carly in her mission to continue to help bereaved parents. We will definitely be hanging this on our wall. It is so beautiful! Thank you Carly for all your wonderful work.
Marcellus Robert, you have such a beautiful name. I hope you love it as much as Daddy and I do. I can't wait to shout it out to you on the day we see each other again. You are our brave young warrior. Thank you for the gorgeous sunset. We know you made it just for us. Love and miss you like crazy! xoxox
Friday, January 20, 2012
Gone
Why is he dead? Why is he dead? Why!?
Was he even really ever here? If he were here, then how can he be gone? How did this happen? I had a baby, he really was here.
I just spent some time watching some of his videos. All I can do is cry out and say that's my baby, that's my baby. We really did have a baby. He really was here. We really are parents. I really am a mommy. But it doesn't feel like it. It feels so empty and lonely instead.
Three months ago I was blissfully unaware of how my life would soon change so drastically and so quickly. I was happy so happy enjoying my pregnancy, my perfect pregnancy. Then when Marcellus was unexpectedly born we briefly panicked and worried, but quickly the pure joy, immense happiness, and perfect love out shadowed any of that. We were absolutely on top of the world. How do we go from that to this so quickly? Into the deepest darkest utter despair. The greatest pain. Absolute heartache. I still have that perfect love for my baby boy, but no longer the pure joy and immense happiness.
At times it's so hard to believe that he was ever here. That we had a baby...and now he's gone. He's gone. He's gone! He's GONE! And it hurts. It hurts so bad. It hurts more than anything. I often just want to crawl in a hole. And not come out until this life is over. This nightmare of a life.
Marcellus, it's hard to realize that you really were here. That you were with us and now you're not. Mommy misses you so much baby boy. Sooooooo much. I love you more than I can ever even tell you. I love you with all my heart, even if it's a broken heart. xoxox.
Was he even really ever here? If he were here, then how can he be gone? How did this happen? I had a baby, he really was here.
I just spent some time watching some of his videos. All I can do is cry out and say that's my baby, that's my baby. We really did have a baby. He really was here. We really are parents. I really am a mommy. But it doesn't feel like it. It feels so empty and lonely instead.
Three months ago I was blissfully unaware of how my life would soon change so drastically and so quickly. I was happy so happy enjoying my pregnancy, my perfect pregnancy. Then when Marcellus was unexpectedly born we briefly panicked and worried, but quickly the pure joy, immense happiness, and perfect love out shadowed any of that. We were absolutely on top of the world. How do we go from that to this so quickly? Into the deepest darkest utter despair. The greatest pain. Absolute heartache. I still have that perfect love for my baby boy, but no longer the pure joy and immense happiness.
At times it's so hard to believe that he was ever here. That we had a baby...and now he's gone. He's gone. He's gone! He's GONE! And it hurts. It hurts so bad. It hurts more than anything. I often just want to crawl in a hole. And not come out until this life is over. This nightmare of a life.
Marcellus, it's hard to realize that you really were here. That you were with us and now you're not. Mommy misses you so much baby boy. Sooooooo much. I love you more than I can ever even tell you. I love you with all my heart, even if it's a broken heart. xoxox.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
It just happens...
I hate that phrase! "It just happens" this is what we have been told regarding both Marcellus's early arrival and early departure.
Last week we met with a maternal fetal specialist in hopes of finding some answers as to why he was born early. We thought we maybe could even find out something that would connect the clotting issue to the preterm labor. Maybe there was one explanation for both and there was an easy fix to ensure that it never ever happened again. But that is not the case. After being asked a set of questions from the doctor and his review of my records (especially the pathology on the plancenta) we got the answer, "it just happens." Now there is a list of speculation as to what could have caused me to go into preterm labor, but no way to know for sure. There was nothing about the placenta that would have caused preterm labor, such as an infection. And I don't have a classical case of cervical insufficiency for them to think that that's really the cause. Yet again we are left in the dark. The only thing that is certain is that I am at a much higher risk for preterm labor in future pregnancies.
Although we had previously met with the neonatologist about Marcellus's death we asked the maternal fetal specialist his opinion on the clotting/NEC. His response to that was the same. It just happened. We don't know why. It just happens to some babies, even if they have a good chance of survival.
That's not good enough! It doesn't "just" happen. There has to be a reason, right? There has to be something/someone to blame. My son doesn't "just" arrive over 11 weeks early for no reason. He doesn't have over a 90% chance of survival and make tons of progress (increasing his chances) only to quickly die and be taken from us "just because". There has to be a reason. I'm still looking for answers. I'm still asking "why?" Including "why God, why didn't you save my son?" I think I've said it before and I'll say it again. Even though I'm looking for answers, there isn't an answer that would be good enough. Even if God came down here, stood in front of me and told me Himself why Marcellus had to die it wouldn't be good enough of a reason for me to accept. I want my child here with me on earth, end of story.
What we did gain from our appointment last week was a plan for next time. No, we are nowhere near ready to have another child. But it is somewhat comforting to know there are things we can do to lessen our chances of preterm labor and in turn the issues that preemie babies face. When will we be ready to try again? I actually haven't gotten this question a lot, but we do talk about it amongst ourselves every now and then. Like I said we're not ready now, but that question can remind us that there is a future out there.
First of all, now that I am painfully aware that anything can happen at anytime I need to be ready to lose another baby before trying for one. It's a scary thought. Just because we have experienced infant loss once doesn't mean we're exempt from losing another child either during pregnancy, at delivery, or anytime after. All pregnancies from here are on out are going to be full of worry, anxiety, and fear. I need to be ready for that.
I've also been talking a lot about how I wish Marcellus could just come back as another baby, give us a second chance at raising him. I will not be ready to have Marcellus's little brother or sister until I can accept that he or she will not be Marcellus. Right now that is not the case. I don't just want a baby, I want Marcellus Robert Lennon. And right now I want him more than anything. I fear that if we try for another child too soon I will just be disappointed that it's not Marcellus. It would not be fair to our future child, Marcellus, or ourselves.
But when the time does come we will be prepared from a medical standpoint. We will do weekly progesterone shots from 16 weeks on. We will have many ultra sounds to monitor any changes in my cervix and take appropriate measures if there are (mainly cerclage). The doctor didn't think bedrest would be necessary especially since I don't have a physically strenuous job. He did say that I probably shouldn't exercise though.
So I start thinking great, did my exercising during my pregnancy with Marcellus contribute to preterm labor? Something I was trying to do to keep us healthy may have harmed him. The doctor reassured me that there was nothing I did wrong. He even mentioned that if I would see the crack addict moms that deliver perfectly healthy babies at full term I would know it was nothing I did wrong. Wait...was that supposed to make me feel better? Crack addicts get perfectly healthy babies and I don't. How does that work?!
Why was Marcellus born early? We don't know. Why did he get a clot and NEC? We don't know. When will we be ready for a littler brother or sister? We don't know. What do we know? We love him. We miss him. We love and miss Marcellus with every ounce of our being.
Marcellus, there is no reason good enough that you are not with me. I wish you were here with me or that I was there with you more than anything. Daddy and I may talk about having your little brother or sister every now and then, but you will always be our first born son - the big brother of our family. We will never ever try to replace you. We love you baby boy. We love you so very much. Momma's missing you all time time. I miss you so much it hurts. You are always my little mister. xoxox.
Last week we met with a maternal fetal specialist in hopes of finding some answers as to why he was born early. We thought we maybe could even find out something that would connect the clotting issue to the preterm labor. Maybe there was one explanation for both and there was an easy fix to ensure that it never ever happened again. But that is not the case. After being asked a set of questions from the doctor and his review of my records (especially the pathology on the plancenta) we got the answer, "it just happens." Now there is a list of speculation as to what could have caused me to go into preterm labor, but no way to know for sure. There was nothing about the placenta that would have caused preterm labor, such as an infection. And I don't have a classical case of cervical insufficiency for them to think that that's really the cause. Yet again we are left in the dark. The only thing that is certain is that I am at a much higher risk for preterm labor in future pregnancies.
Although we had previously met with the neonatologist about Marcellus's death we asked the maternal fetal specialist his opinion on the clotting/NEC. His response to that was the same. It just happened. We don't know why. It just happens to some babies, even if they have a good chance of survival.
That's not good enough! It doesn't "just" happen. There has to be a reason, right? There has to be something/someone to blame. My son doesn't "just" arrive over 11 weeks early for no reason. He doesn't have over a 90% chance of survival and make tons of progress (increasing his chances) only to quickly die and be taken from us "just because". There has to be a reason. I'm still looking for answers. I'm still asking "why?" Including "why God, why didn't you save my son?" I think I've said it before and I'll say it again. Even though I'm looking for answers, there isn't an answer that would be good enough. Even if God came down here, stood in front of me and told me Himself why Marcellus had to die it wouldn't be good enough of a reason for me to accept. I want my child here with me on earth, end of story.
What we did gain from our appointment last week was a plan for next time. No, we are nowhere near ready to have another child. But it is somewhat comforting to know there are things we can do to lessen our chances of preterm labor and in turn the issues that preemie babies face. When will we be ready to try again? I actually haven't gotten this question a lot, but we do talk about it amongst ourselves every now and then. Like I said we're not ready now, but that question can remind us that there is a future out there.
First of all, now that I am painfully aware that anything can happen at anytime I need to be ready to lose another baby before trying for one. It's a scary thought. Just because we have experienced infant loss once doesn't mean we're exempt from losing another child either during pregnancy, at delivery, or anytime after. All pregnancies from here are on out are going to be full of worry, anxiety, and fear. I need to be ready for that.
I've also been talking a lot about how I wish Marcellus could just come back as another baby, give us a second chance at raising him. I will not be ready to have Marcellus's little brother or sister until I can accept that he or she will not be Marcellus. Right now that is not the case. I don't just want a baby, I want Marcellus Robert Lennon. And right now I want him more than anything. I fear that if we try for another child too soon I will just be disappointed that it's not Marcellus. It would not be fair to our future child, Marcellus, or ourselves.
But when the time does come we will be prepared from a medical standpoint. We will do weekly progesterone shots from 16 weeks on. We will have many ultra sounds to monitor any changes in my cervix and take appropriate measures if there are (mainly cerclage). The doctor didn't think bedrest would be necessary especially since I don't have a physically strenuous job. He did say that I probably shouldn't exercise though.
So I start thinking great, did my exercising during my pregnancy with Marcellus contribute to preterm labor? Something I was trying to do to keep us healthy may have harmed him. The doctor reassured me that there was nothing I did wrong. He even mentioned that if I would see the crack addict moms that deliver perfectly healthy babies at full term I would know it was nothing I did wrong. Wait...was that supposed to make me feel better? Crack addicts get perfectly healthy babies and I don't. How does that work?!
Why was Marcellus born early? We don't know. Why did he get a clot and NEC? We don't know. When will we be ready for a littler brother or sister? We don't know. What do we know? We love him. We miss him. We love and miss Marcellus with every ounce of our being.
Marcellus, there is no reason good enough that you are not with me. I wish you were here with me or that I was there with you more than anything. Daddy and I may talk about having your little brother or sister every now and then, but you will always be our first born son - the big brother of our family. We will never ever try to replace you. We love you baby boy. We love you so very much. Momma's missing you all time time. I miss you so much it hurts. You are always my little mister. xoxox.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Due date
Today is Marcellus's due date. Even if Marcellus would have gone full term he probably wouldn't have been born exactly on this day. But it still holds a lot of importance for us. This day represents all the hope and dreams we had for him and our lives with him. It's the date that we've had in our minds since we found out we were pregnant with him on May 8th, actually probably even before that when we suspected I might be pregnant. It's this date that give or a take a couple of weeks our baby should have been born.
Or it's this date that we would be using to talk about Marcellus's adjusted age as they do with preemies. After this date instead of referring to his adjusted age in terms of gestation (e.g. Marcellus died when he was 12 days old, but he was 30 weeks 3 days gestation), we get to start measuring in terms of days and weeks. This date was the first goal set for getting him home by. It was this date I had in mind when I would say we were "lucky". That's right, when Marcellus was in the NICU I often felt lucky that he came early. Yes we had the struggles of the NICU, but he'd be home soon enough (so I thought) and we were just getting extra time with our baby. We were getting an extra 2 1/2 months with our baby boy. How many parents get to see their baby develop during this time? While I knew it would have been much better for him to go full term and that's what I had hoped for, once he was born early this is the way I looked at it. Now how stupid is that thought, feeling "lucky"?!
Instead this day, what should be such a hopeful and happy time, marks exactly 2 months from when we buried Marcellus. Two months ago I saw my son for the last time, I touch his soft fuzzy hair for the last time, and I kissed his forehead (that is exactly like his daddy's) for the last time. I watched my husband place the lid on his tiny casket. Two months ago a piece of me was put into the ground. This might sound strange, but I honestly don't know what was worse, the moment Marcellus died or the moment the lid went on that casket. I think seeing the casket close made everything so much more real. Although Marcellus had already been dead for days, we had been able to spend time with him at the funeral home. We were able to be a family, just the three of us together. Once that casket was closed there was no longer the three of us. It was back to just Mike and I, just Mommy and Daddy with no baby. Now this day represents crushed hope, dreams that will never come true, and an incomplete family.
I would give anything to hold him again whether it be when he was alive or after he already died. Just to have him in my arms would be amazing. I miss him so much, so very much. I don't know what I'm doing without him and I'm really struggling to figure it out. To figure out how life can continue to move forward without Marcellus.
My comment above about Marcellus having Daddy's forehead just made me think of all his other features. Here's a rundown of what features he got from each of us. He had Daddy's forehead, nose, lips, hands (identical!) and feet. He had Mommy's chin, eyes, cheeks, ears, and attitude (identical!).
Here's a picture of Marcellus. It was taken when he was 6 days old. He was born with his eyes fused shut (very odd for his gestation) and on this day he opened the 2nd one (left, right opened at 4 days old). He must not have had the hang of having both eyes open and is giving what I like to call his "pirate look". This picture is also the best we have of his hands. If you want to know what Mike's hands look like, this is it. They are seriously identical.
Marcellus, Momma's really missing you. I can't believe it's been 2 months since I saw you last, two months since I got to gaze upon my beautiful baby boy. I wish you were here with us. We would have done everything for you. I love you my little mister! xoxox
Or it's this date that we would be using to talk about Marcellus's adjusted age as they do with preemies. After this date instead of referring to his adjusted age in terms of gestation (e.g. Marcellus died when he was 12 days old, but he was 30 weeks 3 days gestation), we get to start measuring in terms of days and weeks. This date was the first goal set for getting him home by. It was this date I had in mind when I would say we were "lucky". That's right, when Marcellus was in the NICU I often felt lucky that he came early. Yes we had the struggles of the NICU, but he'd be home soon enough (so I thought) and we were just getting extra time with our baby. We were getting an extra 2 1/2 months with our baby boy. How many parents get to see their baby develop during this time? While I knew it would have been much better for him to go full term and that's what I had hoped for, once he was born early this is the way I looked at it. Now how stupid is that thought, feeling "lucky"?!
Instead this day, what should be such a hopeful and happy time, marks exactly 2 months from when we buried Marcellus. Two months ago I saw my son for the last time, I touch his soft fuzzy hair for the last time, and I kissed his forehead (that is exactly like his daddy's) for the last time. I watched my husband place the lid on his tiny casket. Two months ago a piece of me was put into the ground. This might sound strange, but I honestly don't know what was worse, the moment Marcellus died or the moment the lid went on that casket. I think seeing the casket close made everything so much more real. Although Marcellus had already been dead for days, we had been able to spend time with him at the funeral home. We were able to be a family, just the three of us together. Once that casket was closed there was no longer the three of us. It was back to just Mike and I, just Mommy and Daddy with no baby. Now this day represents crushed hope, dreams that will never come true, and an incomplete family.
I would give anything to hold him again whether it be when he was alive or after he already died. Just to have him in my arms would be amazing. I miss him so much, so very much. I don't know what I'm doing without him and I'm really struggling to figure it out. To figure out how life can continue to move forward without Marcellus.
My comment above about Marcellus having Daddy's forehead just made me think of all his other features. Here's a rundown of what features he got from each of us. He had Daddy's forehead, nose, lips, hands (identical!) and feet. He had Mommy's chin, eyes, cheeks, ears, and attitude (identical!).
Here's a picture of Marcellus. It was taken when he was 6 days old. He was born with his eyes fused shut (very odd for his gestation) and on this day he opened the 2nd one (left, right opened at 4 days old). He must not have had the hang of having both eyes open and is giving what I like to call his "pirate look". This picture is also the best we have of his hands. If you want to know what Mike's hands look like, this is it. They are seriously identical.
Marcellus, Momma's really missing you. I can't believe it's been 2 months since I saw you last, two months since I got to gaze upon my beautiful baby boy. I wish you were here with us. We would have done everything for you. I love you my little mister! xoxox
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Teaching
I haven't written in awhile and I'm not exactly sure why. I also haven't written much to Marcellus either lately (we have a journal where we write letters to Marcellus). I think it's because I just don't want to. I don't want to be writing a blog about how my grief journey. I don't want to be writing letters to my dead son. I don't want to! I want to be cradling him instead. I want him here so bad. How did it turn out that instead I have this blog and that journal?
This week has actually been pretty busy and I have so much I could write about. I went back to school this week. I started working on research (well if you can even call it that). All I did this week was figure out the data set I was working with. I tried to take a class and I taught. I don't even know what I want to write about, it all sucked. It all sucks so much. It's so hard pretending to be normal.
I guess the research part was ok. I sit at a computer by myself and usually don't have to deal with other people. The hard part of that is staying focused enough to get anything done. To stay off the internet looking up infant loss related things. I work slowly, very very slowly. But I got something accomplished this week and it was good enough for my advisor at our meeting on Thurs. I guess that means a success.
I went to class on Thursday. Even though I don't need any more course credits I thought this one could be useful for what I do. I figured I'd give it a shot and maybe it would be helpful to have something structured in my day. I was wrong, it was horrible. I didn't know I would react the way I did. I thought I could do it. Right before class started I got really nervous and anxious. I asked a friend to make sure she sat by me. I felt needy, like it was pathetic I had to make sure I was sitting by my friend. But I did need it. I needed to know I wasn't going to be sandwiched between two people that I didn't really now. That didn't know it was hard for me to be there. Then like an idiot I forgot to sit on the end. Sitting on the end makes you feel less trapped b/c it is so much easier to get up and leave if need be. We got to class and I had to take a bunch of deep breaths. At some point I teared up. I'm not even sure why exactly. I was just so overwhelmed sitting there with all those people. I couldn't focus at all. Instead of taking notes for the class I was writing notes to Marcellus. I wrote his name all over my paper, including his nickname "squirmy wormy". By the end of the class I knew I would have to drop. What was the point of sitting in that class two times a week if I wasn't going to learn anything. We had an appointment right afterward so Mike came to pick me up. I immediately started crying in the car. It was too much to have to hold it in like that. To suppress the feelings I was having, it was suffocating.
My reaction to being in class made me really nervous about teaching. I teach the same class three times on Fridays. We only teach on Fridays b/c the class is partly online. While getting my materials organized before teaching the professor that oversees us was around. I told him I was nervous. He asked why b/c it's the same material as last semester. I just blurted out "Well, last semester my baby wasn't dead." I have a hard time not saying anything in situations like that. I don't know if it's appropriate to or not. I guess I don't really care. Marcellus is dead. That affects my every thought and every move right now. I don't think people truly understand that. I am NOT the same. I will not teach the same as I did last semester. I will not think the same I did last semester and I will not act the same I did last semester. I will never be the same. Marcellus forever changed me.
Again I felt needy. I asked a friend to walk with me to my class and stay with me until it officially started. I just felt like if I had been there alone I'd have broken down. My first class was ok. A little shaky at first, but I got the hang of it toward the end. I actually felt pretty good about. I had 15 min in between classes and called Mike telling him I thought the second class would go even better. Well, I think it would have. But there was a student from last semester retaking the course with me. There are 23 sections of this class, even two others at the same time I teach and she's in my section again. It was one of my biggest fears about teaching. That I would have a student from last semester. My students knew the baby was born early, but they weren't told he died. This particular student that is retaking my class might not even know he was born early. She dropped the class at some point. I don't know if it was right before Marcellus was born or sometime after. I mentioned this fear to a few people before starting teaching. They all thought it was very unlikely to happen.
But of course it happened to me anyway. I recognized her right away. The thought ran through my head "Maybe she has a twin sister that is taking it now." Nope it was her. We do activities in this course. The students break up into smaller groups and while they're working on the activities I walk around making sure they're on task and answering questions. She had a question about something else related to the course, I answered it quickly not acknowledging she had been in my class last semester. Well then she told me how she had dropped the class last semester and she thinks I was her instructor before. She said, "you had a baby, right?" Oh stab to my heart, my stomach drops, I had to remind myself to breath. I need to maintain the teacher/student relationship, in my classroom is the one place I really hope I never breakdown. At least she asked me a yes/no question instead of something like "how's the baby?". I answered with a yes and walked away. I had to walk back up to the front and catch my breath. I'm sure I was visibly shaking, but my students were working on their activity so hopefully didn't notice. In my head I kept going "really? this really happened?" but then again I shouldn't be surprised. My baby was born unexpected so early and unexpected died so early when the chances were so low. I shouldn't be surprised when things that have a low chance of happening do.
I was a bit of a wreck after that class. Good think there was 40 minutes between my second and third class. I was able to go talk to the faculty advisor about how I didn't think I could teach with her in my class. I would always be on edge waiting for her to ask something about the baby. Or waiting for a day when I would already be close to breakdown and just seeing her might be enough to push me over the edge. He was very accommodating as we tried to figure out what the best thing to do would be. He will move her to another section that meets at the same time. It won't affect her schedule at all and will ease my anxieties some. He's going to tell her that when students need to retake the class we prefer they take it with a different instructor. Works for me.
After getting that mess figured out I taught my third class for the day. It went so much better. I think being in front of the class and acting "normal" will get a little bit easier week by week. It's still exhausting though. It's exhausting to put grief in a box and set it aside. It's also exhausting to actively grieve. This is all just so exhausting.
I think I need to get better about writing more often. I have so many other things I could and should write about, but I'm running out of writing steam. Plus I feel like my posts are often way too long. Sometimes I feel like I write more about the events that happened and don't focus on how I'm feeling. I don't know I guess I kind of feel like I can't even do this blog right. Yeah, too much going on in my head right now. I will make it a goal to start writing more often again to help myself sort these things out. I will try to write again tomorrow, for Marcellus's due date.
Marcellus, I'm so sorry I haven't been writing more. That I haven't been writing about you here and that I haven't been writing to you as much in your journal. I feel like such a bad mommy for that. I'm a little shut down baby and I'll try to work at opening back up. I just miss you oh so very much. That's the only thing I can think most of the time, just how much I miss you. I love you so much my little squirmy wormy! xoxox
This week has actually been pretty busy and I have so much I could write about. I went back to school this week. I started working on research (well if you can even call it that). All I did this week was figure out the data set I was working with. I tried to take a class and I taught. I don't even know what I want to write about, it all sucked. It all sucks so much. It's so hard pretending to be normal.
I guess the research part was ok. I sit at a computer by myself and usually don't have to deal with other people. The hard part of that is staying focused enough to get anything done. To stay off the internet looking up infant loss related things. I work slowly, very very slowly. But I got something accomplished this week and it was good enough for my advisor at our meeting on Thurs. I guess that means a success.
I went to class on Thursday. Even though I don't need any more course credits I thought this one could be useful for what I do. I figured I'd give it a shot and maybe it would be helpful to have something structured in my day. I was wrong, it was horrible. I didn't know I would react the way I did. I thought I could do it. Right before class started I got really nervous and anxious. I asked a friend to make sure she sat by me. I felt needy, like it was pathetic I had to make sure I was sitting by my friend. But I did need it. I needed to know I wasn't going to be sandwiched between two people that I didn't really now. That didn't know it was hard for me to be there. Then like an idiot I forgot to sit on the end. Sitting on the end makes you feel less trapped b/c it is so much easier to get up and leave if need be. We got to class and I had to take a bunch of deep breaths. At some point I teared up. I'm not even sure why exactly. I was just so overwhelmed sitting there with all those people. I couldn't focus at all. Instead of taking notes for the class I was writing notes to Marcellus. I wrote his name all over my paper, including his nickname "squirmy wormy". By the end of the class I knew I would have to drop. What was the point of sitting in that class two times a week if I wasn't going to learn anything. We had an appointment right afterward so Mike came to pick me up. I immediately started crying in the car. It was too much to have to hold it in like that. To suppress the feelings I was having, it was suffocating.
My reaction to being in class made me really nervous about teaching. I teach the same class three times on Fridays. We only teach on Fridays b/c the class is partly online. While getting my materials organized before teaching the professor that oversees us was around. I told him I was nervous. He asked why b/c it's the same material as last semester. I just blurted out "Well, last semester my baby wasn't dead." I have a hard time not saying anything in situations like that. I don't know if it's appropriate to or not. I guess I don't really care. Marcellus is dead. That affects my every thought and every move right now. I don't think people truly understand that. I am NOT the same. I will not teach the same as I did last semester. I will not think the same I did last semester and I will not act the same I did last semester. I will never be the same. Marcellus forever changed me.
Again I felt needy. I asked a friend to walk with me to my class and stay with me until it officially started. I just felt like if I had been there alone I'd have broken down. My first class was ok. A little shaky at first, but I got the hang of it toward the end. I actually felt pretty good about. I had 15 min in between classes and called Mike telling him I thought the second class would go even better. Well, I think it would have. But there was a student from last semester retaking the course with me. There are 23 sections of this class, even two others at the same time I teach and she's in my section again. It was one of my biggest fears about teaching. That I would have a student from last semester. My students knew the baby was born early, but they weren't told he died. This particular student that is retaking my class might not even know he was born early. She dropped the class at some point. I don't know if it was right before Marcellus was born or sometime after. I mentioned this fear to a few people before starting teaching. They all thought it was very unlikely to happen.
But of course it happened to me anyway. I recognized her right away. The thought ran through my head "Maybe she has a twin sister that is taking it now." Nope it was her. We do activities in this course. The students break up into smaller groups and while they're working on the activities I walk around making sure they're on task and answering questions. She had a question about something else related to the course, I answered it quickly not acknowledging she had been in my class last semester. Well then she told me how she had dropped the class last semester and she thinks I was her instructor before. She said, "you had a baby, right?" Oh stab to my heart, my stomach drops, I had to remind myself to breath. I need to maintain the teacher/student relationship, in my classroom is the one place I really hope I never breakdown. At least she asked me a yes/no question instead of something like "how's the baby?". I answered with a yes and walked away. I had to walk back up to the front and catch my breath. I'm sure I was visibly shaking, but my students were working on their activity so hopefully didn't notice. In my head I kept going "really? this really happened?" but then again I shouldn't be surprised. My baby was born unexpected so early and unexpected died so early when the chances were so low. I shouldn't be surprised when things that have a low chance of happening do.
I was a bit of a wreck after that class. Good think there was 40 minutes between my second and third class. I was able to go talk to the faculty advisor about how I didn't think I could teach with her in my class. I would always be on edge waiting for her to ask something about the baby. Or waiting for a day when I would already be close to breakdown and just seeing her might be enough to push me over the edge. He was very accommodating as we tried to figure out what the best thing to do would be. He will move her to another section that meets at the same time. It won't affect her schedule at all and will ease my anxieties some. He's going to tell her that when students need to retake the class we prefer they take it with a different instructor. Works for me.
After getting that mess figured out I taught my third class for the day. It went so much better. I think being in front of the class and acting "normal" will get a little bit easier week by week. It's still exhausting though. It's exhausting to put grief in a box and set it aside. It's also exhausting to actively grieve. This is all just so exhausting.
I think I need to get better about writing more often. I have so many other things I could and should write about, but I'm running out of writing steam. Plus I feel like my posts are often way too long. Sometimes I feel like I write more about the events that happened and don't focus on how I'm feeling. I don't know I guess I kind of feel like I can't even do this blog right. Yeah, too much going on in my head right now. I will make it a goal to start writing more often again to help myself sort these things out. I will try to write again tomorrow, for Marcellus's due date.
Marcellus, I'm so sorry I haven't been writing more. That I haven't been writing about you here and that I haven't been writing to you as much in your journal. I feel like such a bad mommy for that. I'm a little shut down baby and I'll try to work at opening back up. I just miss you oh so very much. That's the only thing I can think most of the time, just how much I miss you. I love you so much my little squirmy wormy! xoxox
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