I should have done this before

As I was just nursing Ethan to get him down for a nap, my heart started to ache. He is having a little bit of a rough moment with a tummy troubles and not sleeping well last night. But nursing with Mommy makes everything all better. He snuggled in at my breast, closed his eyes, and held my hand. In these sweet and tender moments, I am in awe that he is my child and he is here. Mike and I often say, "I can't believe he's our baby." Today that awe feeling was followed by an overwhelming longing for his big brother. I should have had moments like these before. I should have had them with Marcellus. So as Ethan drifted to sleep while nursing I did my best to hold back the tears. As soon as he was asleep I nestled his head on my shoulder, rocked him while holding him tight and let the tears flow. The tears that I still hold inside for his big brother.

The ache that I couldn't make it all better for Marcellus. The ache that he never got to breastfeed him. The ache that the only time I got to rock my sweet baby boy was in the funeral home. The ache, the hole in my heart that even my precious rainbow can't fill.

All of these moments we experience with Ethan, we should have had them with Marcellus first. All the moments to come with Ethan, we should have had with Marcellus first. Some days that realizations hits harder than others. Like today. A quiet, beautiful moment with my second born son left me longing and aching so much for my first born son.

Marcellus, I miss you so much my sweet boy. I long for everything that isn't. I long for you, for those precious moments with you. Your little brother can't take that away, nor would I want him to. I will long and ache for you for the rest of my life. Nothing can replace you. The hole left in my heart when you died will always be there. I miss you! I can't say it enough how much I miss you. How bad I want you here with me. With us, my whole family together. Instead we are separated by heaven and earth. And it sucks. Yes, your little brother brings me such joy. But it sucks and it hurts that you are not here to be a part of that. As much as I miss you and as much as it hurts, I still have joy in being your mommy too though. I would never give up being your mommy. You are my first born son, you are the big brother to this family. I love you just as I love your brother. I love you! I love you! I love you! xoxox.

My motherhood journey - Angela Part I

This journey of mine started 11 years ago. I was 16 and had just taking a pregnancy test at a local pregnancy center. It was positive. It was not a joyous start to motherhood. How could I be pregnant at 16?! What was I going to do?! How was I going to tell my family?! So much fear and anxiety washed over me, along with complete shock. I was keeping a journal at the time. It's filled with teenage confusion and angst, anger, and the happenings of a messed up teenage relationship. But, I wrote shortly after getting that positive pregnancy test and I continued to write about my pregnancy periodically. I'd like to share some excerpts related to my motherhood journy from that journal here. I don't talk about Angela as much anymore or her adoption, so I think it will be helpful for me to go back and see where I've come from that scared 16 year old. I also don't think adoption from the birthmother's perspective is talked about very often. And while it is different for every birthmother, I want to share my point of view.

4/2/02 A few days after getting the positive pregnancy test - I guess I'm not so worried about the pregnancy, but what will happen afterward ... Of course I want what's going to be best for the baby, but I'm also going to want to be a significant role. It's MY baby, part of me ... I'm going to want to keep the baby and I know [her birthfather] really wants to to, but I just don't see how we could do it, how we could raise a child at this time in our lives ... I already want to apologize to my unborn baby. I'm sorry for whatever life it has to lead. Whether it be going through adoption or having parents who aren't quite ready to be parents. I just want to give my baby the best. But what is best for my baby? ... I know this unborn baby is God's creation, so I will try my best in carrying this child and choosing what's best after the birth. 

 5/13/02, I was struggling with making the decision to place my baby for adoption - I already love this baby to death and would do absolutely anything for this baby and I mean anything, bu tit's going to be so hard to never hold, hug, kiss, cuddle my baby. I want to keep this baby so bad, but I know I couldn't do it. I know that I wouldn't be the best for the baby, that my and deserves a nice stable home, but it hurts like crazy, and I don't know how I'm going to do it.

6/20/02, Yesterday I felt the baby move for the 1st time. It was kind of weird and I really don't know what to think about it. I really don't know what to think about anything. Whenever I try to just step back and take in everything that's going on I feel a combination of confusion, frustration, anger, and guilt/shame. I don't know what to do with myself.

 7/8/02 I don't know exactly when, but by this point I had made the decision to place my baby for adoption , I'm scared. Scared to death. Not so much of what's going on now, bu tof what will happen. The other night I was lying in my bed and the baby was moving a lot. I started thinking about what I wanted the baby to know and I just started bawling an I couldn't stop. I'm so scared of giving birth and what's going to happen afterward. The baby's future. My future. What am I going to do with myself? 

 7/27/02, Being pregnant is fine. I guess it's really no big deal except a few things, but then there's feeling the baby move and that wins over all the bad things. I love feeling the baby move, even though I complain sometimes when the baby moves when I'm trying to sleep. I still think it's awesome. I got an ultrasound a little over a week ago. That was pretty cool. I cot to see my baby and I have pictures of my baby. My baby. Yes, right now the baby is my baby. That's one reason I'm so scared of birth. As long as I'm pregnant it's my baby, once the baby's born - not mine anymore. 

Before even choosing adoption, I went to counseling at Catholic Charities. I call it "decision-making" counseling. My social worker/counselor went through both parenting and adoption with me. We did worksheets, watched videos, and most importantly she helped me work through the mess in my head. After I decided on adoption Angela's birthfather and I went through the profile of every couple at the Catholic Charities we were going through. We set aside profiles we wanted to look at in greater detail. Then after we went through them all we compared them side by side until we were down to just one. That was a tough process, choosing parents for your unborn child. Then how do you decide someone isn't "good enough" to be your baby's parents. What really drew me to the couple we choose was that they had a son who looked a lot like my baby brother (who was 2 at the time).

On October 8th, 2002 we met with the couple who would become my daughter's parents and their son  who would become her big brother. I brought my ultra sound pictures and gave them a few (keeping the best ones for myself though!). I wish I would have written in my journal about that meeting, but the above entry is the last one from before Angela was born. I can't remember what I was feeling then. I honestly can't remember a lot from those last couple months of pregnancy. I wonder if part of me was shutting down. Trying to protect myself from the emotional journey that was about to start. Angela's birthfather and I decided that if we could not be our child's parents then these were the right parents for her. I do know we talked about names and I didn't have any picked out at the time. I did not find out that I was having a girl. They were going to send a letter to my social worker to start the conversation about names and take input from me.

My due date was November 20th, 2012. I thought I had another month and a half. But it would only be 20 days after that meeting that little Miss Angela would make her entrance into the world.

In my next post I'll write about October 28th, 2002 and some of what has been going on since then.

My motherood journey

With Mother's Day having come and gone now, I've been thinking a lot about all my babies.

Angela Mae - my first born, my only daughter. I've been missing her for 10 1/2 years now. I decided to place her for adoption at the age of 17.

Marcellus Robert - my very wanted and long awaited for baby. My first born son, my squirmy wormy. He has healed me from the pain of Angela's adoption. Made me look at life very differently. I've been missing him for 1 1/2 years. It still hurts so much that he's not here. My hopes and dreams shattered when he died.

Ethan Michael - my rainbow, my sweet pea, my little love, my miracle.

I've decided to do a "series" of posts on my motherhood journey, starting with writing about Angela. It's taking longer than I thought, so this is just a heads up if anyone's interested in following along. I am doing this as part of my grief work. All my babies have so much grief attached to them. They are all connected because they all started their lives in my womb. I birthed them all.

So, my three sweet children, I will write about you and this journey you have set me on. For the three of you have made me the mother I am today. I love you all so very much!

Brothers

I want to get a "Little Brother" outfit for Ethan. I've been meaning to for a long time, but I don't want just any plain thing that says "little brother" on it. I want it to be super cute and special. So, I went looking on Etsy for just the right shirt.

Turns out when you search for a shirt that says "little brother" on it, most people assume you have an older brother (or sister) to put a big brother (or sister) shirt on. Most sellers had listings for pairs. When that popped up, my heart sank. The little brother is here, but there is no big brother in this house to wear a matching shirt.

So what do you do when the big brother is not here? Do I skip over all the listings for the little/big pair? Do I go ahead and order a shirt for Marcellus for the size he would be now and let the seller think I have two adorable little boys at home? Do I order a little baby sized big brother one, because Marcellus will always be our baby? But then I'd have to explain to the seller why I'm ordering a little brother one that is a size bigger than the big brother one.

They are brothers, but they do not get to do brother things. I do not get to take them out or get photos of them in their big/little shirts. I don't get to know the exhaustion of having two boys just 13 1/2 months apart. They will never wrestle or destroy the house together, driving me absolutely crazy. They'll never fight over their toys, who will sit where, or who gets to use what cup.

My two boys, brothers, separated by death before little brother was even here.

My sister and I are about 20 months apart. And although we didn't always get along growing up, I can't imagine not having her to grow up with. We are close now as adults and my heart aches that Ethan will never have the chance to have any of that with his brother.

When people see us with Ethan do they think of him as an only child? Strangers especially would have no idea that he's not. They think my family is of size 3 when in fact there are 4 of us. Someday when Ethan is older and people ask him if he has an siblings, what will he say? He has a brother that is, yet isn't.

When I first announced Ethan's pregnancy, I started another blog and said I would keep this blog as Marcellus's only. But 1) I can't keep up with two blogs right now and 2) Being Marcellus's mommy now means also being Ethan's mommy. So, I have accepted that while this is still mine and Marcellus's space, I will be okay writing about Ethan when I need to. After all, they are brothers and they are forever connected that way. I can not keep them separate.

Here's a song I sing to Ethan that includes Marcellus too:

Mommy loves Ethan. Mommy loves Ethan. Ethan Michael Lennon.
Mommy loves Marcellus. Mommy loves Marcellus. Marcellus Robert Lennon.
Mommy loves her boys, her two little boys. Ethan and Marcellus.
Big brother, Marcellus. Little brother, Ethan.
Mommy loves her boys!

Marcellus at 6 days old

Ethan at 8 days old

Marcellus, you are such a wonderful big brother. Ethan will always know how much you love him and how much Daddy and I love you. I know he will always love you too. You are both so special and I am so thankful to have both of my little boys. What would you and Ethan be like together? My boys, "my two little boys." I love you both more than I can ever explain! I miss you, my sweet boy, our family's big brother!!! xoxox

18 months

18 months, my baby boy would be 18 months today. 1 1/2 years.

The first year each time the 28th rolled around it was like a knife in my heart. I very acutely felt those monthly birthdays. Then at some point, the 28th started to come and go with a little more ease. There hasn't been a month where I haven't acknowledge that it's the 28th. It's just not as intense as it once was. But 18 months, that's a big one.

What would he big like? How big would he be? What would he think if his little brother? What would he be into? Questions that have no answers, only speculations. Questions that make my heart ache. Questions I wish I didn't have to ask.

Really, overall today was a good day. We had waffles for breakfast, I went to a baby shower for a friend's rainbow baby, and we took Ethan to his first playdate with a NICU friend. But that didn't stop my mind from asking those questions, that didn't stop my heart from longing for my first son, that didn't close the whole left in my family.

18 months. 1 1/2 years. My baby boy would be less like a baby and getting to be more like a toddler. I miss him. I miss him so very much.

Dear Marcellus, it's your half birthday! I miss you. I ache for you. I love you. I just want you here with us. With your dad, baby brother, and I. I want us all to be together. Our family is incomplete. Forever incomplete without you here. We all love you so much. Daddy and I tell your brother all about you. I'm sorry I haven't written to you more. I'm sorry I don't talk to you more. I'm sorry I haven't been doing as much for you. That doesn't mean I love you any less. I still love you just as strong as I did the day you were born. That wonderful marvelous day 18 months ago. My heart felt complete that day my sweet boy. That day you taught me so very much about love. You continue to teach me about love. I love you with all I have, my little squirmy wormy. I love you, I love you, I love you!!! xoxox

Diapers

I miss him. And tonight my heart is really hurting. There's always an ache in my heart for my sweet baby boy, but tonight it really hurts. Sometimes the extreme hurt comes out of nowhere, sometimes there's a trigger, and sometimes it's a bit of a combination with an unexpected trigger.

Tonight it was an unexpected trigger for me. As I was laying on the floor with Ethan, I was staring at a large box of size 1 Pampers diapers that are under his changing area. Diapers that were bought for Marcellus. We are cloth diapering with Ethan and had planned to do the same with Marcellus, but my dad and stepmom didn't now that. When my mom and sister drove from MN when Marcellus was born they sent them with. A large box of size ones, size twos and size threes. Never imagining Marcellus wouldn't live long enough to wear anything but preemie diapers.

Even though we were going to cloth diaper we knew it would be helpful to have some disposables on hand, for when 'i got behind on diaper laundry, for when we were out and about, for when we ha a babysitter. So, we kept them.      

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I wrote the above last night. Then Ethan needed to be fed and I didn't get back to this post until now.

I remember those diapers just sitting in the room after Marcellus died. Diapers he would never use. Diapers that signified such hope. Hope that my baby boy was going to get out of that NICU. That he was going to get out of preemie diapers, grow past newborn diapers and then need those sizes 1-3. We didn't know what to do with them. I didn't have the energy to figure it out, so they went in the closest tucked away. When Ethan came home, we got the size ones out. Like I said we are cloth diapering, but it's nice to have some disposables on hand. He's not in size one yet. Or maybe he is, we haven't needed to use disposables in awhile. I bet he would fit in size one. He outgrew his preemie diapers. He outgrew newborn diapers.

Why couldn't Marcellus? Why can't it be an opened box of diapers from when we used a handful with Marcellus saving the rest for his little brother? Why does it have to be an unopened box of diapers for my little boy who never had a chance to use them? Those questions made my heart ache last night and my mind race. I squeezed Ethan tight and cried for his brother. Telling my little boy here how much I miss the one that's not.

Marcellus, I didn't know the diapers would cause such a reaction in me. But staring at that unopened big box of diapers brought me back to when we got them. When we brought them into the house and how we talked about if we were even going to need them. We knew Grandpa and Grandma weren't aware that we were going to cloth diaper and we were very appreciative of their gift (which included your blankie). I wish we had a chance to find out if we would have needed to open those boxes for you. Would you be in those size threes now? I would give anything to change your dirty diapers. To have you here. I miss you so much baby boy. Some days I really can't believe you're not here. It's all so unreal sometimes. But my love for you is as real as it gets. I love you so much. So so so very much. xoxox.

Second Easter without him

Yesterday was Easter. We really didn't do anything special. Mike had to work and with Ethan being a preemie, we couldn't go anywhere. But even though we didn't do much, it was still another holiday without Marcellus here. This year he would have been 17months old. This year, he could have hunted for Easter eggs.

But I didn't get to watch my son oh and ah over the pretty colored eggs nor help him hunt for Easter eggs nor see him getting excited over a chocolate bunny. Those were the traditions we had hoped to start. Those are the things we had hoped to do. Instead the only tradition we did this year was get Marcellus white tulips like we did last year. That's the tradition we started. White tulips for a little boy that isn't here. We will get them every year. Ethan will know they are for his brother.

Next year when Ethan is old enough to enjoy some of the Easter festivities we will put out Easter baskets. We didn't this year. I still wasn't up for it. And there will be one for Marcellus. We plan to fill it just like we would Ethan's. Fill it with candy that my first born son will never eat. But I want him included. I want him to be as much of a part of every holiday as I can make him. And that can take some creativity because he isn't here.

Holidays will now forever be so very bittersweet. We have Ethan here to celebrate them with, but Marcellus isn't. Having one son to hunt for eggs with does not take away the ache that the other is not here to help his little brother (or steal his eggs). So for this year I just couldn't make a big deal out of it.

And yesterday really wasn't so bad. Other than the white tulips in the house and Ethan's "My First Easter" onesie, it was like any other day. There wasn't even any crying. Although, we had a difficult moment the night before. Missing our boy. Mike and I both. There has been such a serious mix having Ethan home. I have more to write on that. But for now I just reflect on another Easter come and gone. Another holiday missing Marcellus.

I can't really even touch on the religious part of Easter right now. We didn't even think about going to church because of Ethan being a preemie. All those people make it too risky to bring him. But honestly, even if he could have gone, I don't think we would have. I'm really struggling there. Really angry. Things I thought I had worked on and made progress on that I am battling with again. That in itself is yet another post.

I hate this. I hate that there are many more Easters without Marcellus. I hate that Ethan will never have his big brother to hunt for eggs with. I hate that Ethan will never wear Marcellus's hand-me-down Easter clothes. I hate that my two boys won't argue over who gets to use which colors during dying eggs. I hate that I have a reason to buy white tulips. I hate that I have to struggle to find ways to include and honor Marcellus. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

Thank you Gabriel's Garden for giving me one thing to do for Marcellus this Easter.

Ethan with his big brother's tulips.

Marcellus, I wonder what it would have been like to try to do an Easter egg hunt with you. Would you have been into it, walking hand in hand with your momma trying to find the pretty eggs? Or would you still have been a bit too young to care much about it? One thing I'm sure of is that you would have loved your chocolate! Daddy always says Easter has the best candy. I wonder what your favorite Easter candy would be. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder. All I can do is wonder what it would be like. I just want to know. I just want to have you here so I know what it's like, what you'd be like. I've been trying to picture you a lot lately. What would you be like? I miss you my little love. I miss you so very much. Happy Easter my squirmy wormy. Mommy loves you! xoxox