Being healthy

Here's something I've been struggling with lately...what's the point of being healthy?

Yes, I do know there are plenty of reasons. Exercising and eating healthy have been important to me for awhile now, especially while preparing my body for pregnancy before trying, while pregnant with Marcellus, and while pumping for him. But now that he's gone, what's the point?

Mike has been on a big health kick lately. He does a lot better at eating healthy than I do and he exercises regularly. I always so I'll go on a walk with him, but then I change my mind last minute saying I'm just too tired. And I am tired. And yes I know I'd probably sleep better at night if I eat healthy and get exercise. But I don't care, I just don't want to most days. Last week I did get out for a walk/jog a couple of times. But again I kept asking what's the point?

Mike says he's using our (hopeful) future children for motivation to be healthy. He wants to be around for as long as possible. He also wants to give us the best chance at get pregnant right off the bat when we are ready to try. He told me he would help motivate me because it's important to him that I'm healthy as well. It's especially important to him for our (hopeful) future pregnancies.

But being healthy before and during pregnancy didn't help Marcellus, so what's the point? That is what I am struggling with. Now I wasn't perfect during pregnancy. After all I did crave donuts and peanut brittle. But I think I did pretty well at staying active and eating right. I had been jogging before I got pregnant and continued to do so throughout my first trimester. After that I walked and started swimming. I even went swimming just days before Marcellus was born. I ate the best that I could. Toward the end I was always hungry, I couldn't go more than a couple hours without eating something. But I did my best to have healthy snacks - fruit, nuts, yogurt.

But it didn't matter. It still didn't keep Marcellus safe. Maybe being healthy did create a safe place for him, but it didn't keep my body from kicking him out way too early.

I know women that have had unhealthy pregnancies. Didn't eat right, didn't exercise, gained way too much weight and their babies are healthy. In fact, I was pretty unhealthy when I was pregnant with Angela (my daughter that I placed for adoption). I was in high school and I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of softball season. So I was active up until then. But I know I didn't make a point to exercise during pregnancy. And I worked at McDonald's, where I ate A LOT. Angela was perfectly healthy and born at 36 weeks 5 days (pretty dang close to full term).

So what's the point? I had a healthy, very close to full term baby while not eating right or exercising. This time around I do all that good stuff, and have a baby born at 28 weeks that lives for only 12 days. 12 days! How do I make sense of that? Well I guess there is just no making sense of losing your baby.

It's just hard for me to care about my health right now. To think anything I do really even matters. It didn't help Marcellus, so why does it matter.

Marcellus, Momma tried to do everything to keep you healthy while I was pregnant. Did I mess up somehow that you were born so early? I wish I could know that staying healthy will help keep your (hopeful) future little brother(s)/sister(s) safe. But it didn't keep you safe baby boy. I'm so sorry it didn't keep you safe. I'm so sorry you couldn't stay in longer. I miss you my love, my little squirmy wormy. I miss and love you more than anything! xoxox