When outside the safety of the walls of my house I never know what/who I will see/hear that will trigger a breakdown. That's very much part of the reason that I never want to leave the house. Yes there can still be triggers at home, but I have more control of them. And if I do get triggered I don't have to worry about holding back, making other people uncomfortable, what their reaction will be or becoming a burden.
Today while on campus I was triggered. I guess I was "lucky" it was at the end of the day and I was about to go home anyway. Today my trigger was a person. He is a fellow graduate student in my department. He and his wife have a healthy beautiful baby boy born the day after Marcellus died. The birth of their son was announced to our department just the day after the death of mine was announced.
I would never ever ever want them to know this pain. I just wish I didn't have to know it either. This is the 2nd time I have been triggered by seeing this person. I haven't even spoken to him or made eye contact or anything. Today he was just walking past the computer lab and I happened to be standing by the doorway as he did. All I can think about when I see him is that he has his baby to go home to and mine is gone. Why can't I have that too? How did this happen to us?
I remember talking with his wife a month and a half before Marcellus was born. We talked a lot about pregnancy and what labor/delivery would be like. I was very passionate about natural labor and delivery (and am still for it). I even lent her one of my Ina May (well known and respected midwife) books. She still has it. Did it help her during her labor? I have no idea. I will probably never know.
I feel guilty for writing this. For having someone that has done nothing wrong make me so upset. He's just living his life, the life I wish I had with my family. It's not fair. It's so not fair. How does one person have everything work out perfectly and the next person have it all ripped away leaving their life crumbling?
Four babies were born in my department last semester. Three healthy babies, and my premature and now dead baby. My baby was due last and was born first. Do these other families know just how lucky and fortunate they are? I hope so. After hearing the news of Marcellus's death I hope they cherish their babies just that much more. Do they realize how quickly everything can change? Do they know that their is no guarantee?
Marcellus, I don't wish this on anyone, but why did it have to be us? Why can't you be here too like those other babies? We miss you so very much and wish you were here for us to love on. We will always love you and hold you in our hearts forever. Mommy loves you squirmy wormy! xoxox
My journey of mothering my sweet boy that I hold in my heart, but not in my arms.
I know what you mean about "triggers." They can come at the most unexpected times and places.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you have to deal with this. It must be so hard to see them around and know they have what you wish you had. I too hope they realize how blessed they are! Sadly, a lot of people don't know what they have until it's gone. And even if they see it happen to other people, they don't think it could ever possibly happen to them.
Sadly, you aren't the first that's felt this way...feeling upset at someone who hasn't done anything wrong. It just comes with the territory.