Sunday, February 12, 2012

Good and bad

I had a good day on Friday. It was weird. The day before was the 3 month anniversary of Marcellus's death. That day wasn't as bad as I had anticipated and I actually thought that meant Friday might have ended up being a worse day. It was the opposite. It was honestly the best day I've had since Marcellus died.

I don't know why. Maybe because for his 3 month angel birthday Mike and I got out and did something to honor Marcellus instead of just sitting around the house feeling sorry for ourselves. We donated blood. The day Marcellus was sick he received a lot of blood. It was hard to be at the blood drive and see the bags of blood. The last time I had seen that was when Marcellus was getting his transfusions. It made me think of how sick my poor little baby was. But then I thought there may be another sick little baby out there that needs blood. I also thought how we were asked if needed after my c-section did we agree to me getting a blood transfusion. There may be a momma out there who needs blood. A sick child, sibling, parent, grandparent, friend, there is someone out there that will need the blood we donated.

Although receiving blood transfusions did not help save my son, it allowed the doctors to do everything they could. We knew everyone fought hard for him because of everything they did, including ordering the blood. We are thankful for that. We are thankful to the people that donated. And I know Marcellus is thankful for that as well. We wanted to honor him on a date that has such an impact for us. We wanted to pay back the kindness that was shown to him.

Other than that I'm not sure why Friday was a good day for me. I tried to just accept it as that. But it scared me. I felt uneasy. Guilt would creep in. Shouldn't I be crying? My baby is gone. I think Friday was honestly the first day since Marcellus died that I didn't cry at all. I guess maybe 3 months of crying every day is all I can take. Maybe my body needed a break?

The scary part comes from not ever knowing when the good will change to bad. When I'm having bad days, the worse of the worst I know eventually it will ease up a little. But when I'm having an okay or in Fridays case a good day I never know when that will change to bad. When will a breakdown come on? Will I become triggered by something or just all of sudden overcome with the rawness again?

I think part of the scariness also comes from the worry that people are going to see me as "okay". That I'm "getting over it" or that I'm not sad. Even on the good days I am still sad. I will always be sad that Marcellus is not here. It's the way I handle it and what I do with the sadness that dictates the way a day will go. It has to do with the intensity and the rawness of the sadness. Every day for the rest of my life I will miss my baby boy.

Last night before bed I was telling Mike that I can just picture me at 80 years old sitting in a rocking chair saying "I miss Marcellus!" over and over and over again. Yesterday turned out to be more difficult, a raw sort of day. I spent the morning telling the dog, Perk all about Marcellus. About how sorry I was he didn't get to meet our baby. That I know he misses him too and we all wish Marcellus was here.

Mike was at work all day. Thankfully I had lunch planned with a few wonderful moms from group. It was so nice to get together with them and just talk. Just talk about our children freely. Talk about our pregnancies, our deliveries, our experiences after they died - those good and bad, regrets and things we wish we would have done differently, things we hope we can do to change that for other parents facing loss, their funerals, just every single thing about them. I felt so comfortable, so understood.

Although I had a nice afternoon out the night was back to difficult. I just missed him terribly. I hate going to bed. I say it every night. I don't ever want to go to bed, I hate it. I want to lay in bed cuddling with my baby, not the teddy bear I got because he died.

I will try to accept each day, good or bad. Because the good and the bad days are all part of my journey through this grief. Having a good day does not mean I miss or love Marcellus any less. It does not mean I am getting over losing him, because I never ever will. Does a good day mean I am healing? I don't know. I really don't know what it means and I will try not to over analyze it. I will be thankful for good days, but I will also be thankful for bad days. I will be thankful because these are the days I have because I am Marcellus's mommy.

Marcellus, Momma misses you every single second of every single day. And I will for the rest of my life. Thanks for giving Daddy the idea to donate blood. Did you know that Daddy almost fainted and Mommy was fine? It was kind of funny. Love you my squirmy wormy! xoxox 

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