Some days I can pinpoint a specific feeling I have, a specific reason I'm really upset and hurting. Like yesterday, Valentine's Day, I knew it was thinking about specific things related to the "holiday" that were making it hard. The Valentines we'll never make for Daddy or for Marcellus's class. The Valentines I'll never get from Marcellus (even if they were really from Daddy). Buying goofy Valentines things for Marcellus. Having him ask me to be his Valentine. For me Valentine's Day isn't about romantic love. It's just about love. And I love my son more than anything else.
On special dates, especially the 28th and 9th, I pretty much know I'm in for a rough day. Other days I'm triggered and see or hear something that sets me off. But most days all I can manage to say and think is, "I miss him!" I miss my baby boy so much every single day.
I should miss him because his daddy and I finally go out on a date and leave him for the first time.
I should miss him because I have an important meeting coming up and I can't manage to get enough done from home, so I go to campus to work.
I should miss him because I got talked into going to a conference where it didn't work to bring him.
I should miss him because he and Daddy are having "boys' day out".
I should miss him because he's going to school for the first time.
I should miss him because he's at his first sleep over.
I should miss him because he wants to stay at his grandparents' house.
I should miss him because he's at camp.
I should miss him because he's at his girlfriend's (or boyfriend's) house too much.
I should miss him because he's going off to college.
I should NOT miss him because he's dead. I should NOT miss him because it's been exactly 3 months since we buried him. I should NOT miss being able to go to his grave, because there should be no grave.
But he is dead and we did bury him 3 months ago and there is a grave to visit. And I miss him oh so very much! I miss him so much I just have to say it over and over and over again. I miss Marcellus Robert! I miss my little mister, my squirmy wormy, my son. I miss my son. I miss his eyes, his hair, his hands, his feet, his squeaks, his hiccups, his yawns, touching him, holding him, kissing him, smelling him. I miss every single thing about him. One thing I don't miss is loving him. Because I still love him with my whole heart. And always will.
Marcellus, Mommy will always love you. I will tell you I love you every single day. I will also continue to tell you how much I miss you. I ache for you sweet boy. I ache to have you here. I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I MISS YOU! xoxox