A year ago: October 21st, 2011

I wanted to start this yesterday. To start a sequence of posts titled "A year ago" for Marcellus's upcoming birthday. I plan to do one for almost everyday the week preceding his birthday and then for the days we spent with him in the NICU. Mostly just to recount the memories I have from that time. I don't want to forget anything. I want to hold on to those.

I will get yesterday's done tonight and then if I have time (and the emotional energy) I will also do today's. I have to get Angela's gift ready to send off though. It will arrive late (like every year). I really wanted it in the mail today, but after my travels to MN for my grandpa's funeral I just did not have the energy to even keep my eyes open yesterday. That letter and card will also take a lot out of me to write emotionally. I guess it's inevitable that I am just going to be drained for awhile here.

So, here's the start...
A year ago yesterday: Friday, October 21st, 2011
I was 27 weeks 5 days pregnant and physically feeling good. Mike was super busy with work, classes, and CNA class. We pretty much only had the weekends together and sometimes not even that. But this particular weekend he somehow had off. Did he ask off? I can't remember. He might of, because it was state fair season and we love the state fair.

A couple of good friends of ours were in the process of planning a co-ed baby shower for us for November 12th, 2011. Invitations were being worked on and I really wanted to get registered before they were sent out. Mike and I had talked about things we wanted to register for and had gone to a couple of stores to browse. The main place we were registering at is a local cloth diaper store. That's right, we planned on cloth diapering (and plan on it this time too). We were actually really hoping to get a lot of the cloth diaper stuff as it would be one of our biggest up front costs. I left school right after teaching so we could get some registering done.

We went to the cloth diaper store and at the time (not sure if it's changed, haven't been back since) they didn't have an in-store scanner. We just wrote everything down to add online later. They have more than just cloth diaper stuff, they have wraps/slings and other things too. Another thing we planned on doing (and plan for this time too) is baby-wearing. They happened to be having a baby-wearing meet-up/demonstration at the store that afternoon. We stayed for it. We had plans to meet a couple of friends at the state fair later and I was worried we'd be pushing time too much, but I really wanted to stay. I remember thinking how exciting it was to think of doing all these things for our baby. It just felt right for our family. I learned of a private Facebook group they have for baby-wearing moms in the area. I immediately joined it when we got home.

After writing everything down I started the online registry at home, but it had to be put on hold. State Fair time! Like I said we love the State Fair. We usually are really healthy eaters, but we let that go for the fair. We love the exhibits and the people watching. The previous two years we had gone just us. But last year we met up with a couple of friends. One friend was visiting the area for a special program for the semester. I guess nothing in particular stands out from our fair experience. I know we had chocolate covered bacon (yum!) and that my friend tried the Krispy Kreme burger and he let me take a bite of it (it was weird...even pregnant I couldn't say it was good).  We viewed the garden exhibit and many more. I loved being in public pregnant. I felt so cute pregnant with Marcellus. I wanted everyone to see me with my belly. I was so proud of it! Being at the fair we walked around a lot. I honestly probably over did it. Yes, I was in shape, but I was still almost 28 weeks pregnant. I know this time around I could not walk around as much as I did then. I know I was having some Braxton-Hicks contractions, but I figured it was just from walking so much. I had been feeling them for weeks by that point. We stayed for the fireworks at closing time, something Mike and I hadn't done before.

And of course it's fair season right now this year. As soon as I heard anyone say anything about the fair, it brought me back. Mike and I agreed awhile ago that going to the fair this year would just be too hard. So we haven't gone and we won't go. Last night when I heard those fireworks go off I was thinking of last year. Last year as I leaned up against a pole to give myself some rest from a long day and watch the fireworks. Did my over exertion that day have anything to do with going into labor a week later? Did eating all that crap food have anything to do with it? I know those questions might seem a bit irrational, but when my body has let me down in such a major a way and I can't figure out why, I turn to these things. What did I do?

He was safe in my womb that day. And little did I know it was only for another week. What would I have done differently if I had known? 

Marcellus, remembering back to my last days pregnant with you is both hard and enjoyable. Even though you were still in my womb, those are memories with you. Things we did for you, things we did with you. You were there. You were thriving. Did you enjoy the fair? I bet you could hear some of the sounds at that time. And what about the food? I've read that what mom eats can change the taste of the amniotic fluid. Did you get to taste some chocolate covered bacon? That's Mommy and Daddy's favorite at the fair. I pray that nothing I did that day harmed you my sweet boy. I want to go back to those days sweet boy. Back to when you were safe. When we had no idea what was in store for us. We never got that baby shower, we never got to find out what people bought (or would have bought) for you. Well, except one...one of you "Aunties" still gave us your gift even after you died. She didn't want to return it, because it was for you. I'm glad she did that. I just can't help but think of the "what ifs" and the "should have beens." All the things that should have been with you. All the things that were cut drastically short. It makes me so angry baby boy. So angry that you are not here right now. Not here for me to be panicking over your first birthday party. I miss you. I miss you every second. Even when it might not seem like it on the surface, in my heart I'm missing you. Always. I love my little mister. I love you so very much! xoxox.