Monday, October 29, 2012

A year ago: October 29th, 2011

Well, this is the first October 29th out of three pregnancies that were supposed to go over the 29th that I'm still pregnant. Might seem like a complete irrational fear, but after having Angela born on October 28th, 2002 (due November 20th) and Marcellus born October 28th, 2011 (due January 15th), I was so worried that something about October 28th caused my body to go into labor. But here I am 20 weeks 3 days pregnant with Marcellus's baby brother/sister. This in itself is quite a milestone. Today also marks one year since I held Marcellus for the first time. That of course is my biggest memory from a year ago today.

A year ago today: Saturday, October 29th, 2011
Marcellus was one day old. The following is taken from my blog post "Holding him" written on December 29th, 2011. I added the pictures for today's post.
Mike and I visited Marcellus around 5am or so. He was still on the ventilator. Mike then went home to take care of the dog, catch a nap (he really struggled with the lack of sleep. Daddies don't get all the fun hormones that mommies get), and go buy a video camera (so glad he did that!). While he was gone I tried to get some rest. I still wasn't able to walk and also had to deal with all the hospital stuff. Later that morning I went back to see Marcellus while Daddy was running his errands. I think I even walked there. No more ventilator!

Marcellus at 1 day old. No more ventil

Momma was so proud of her boy. He moved on to the bubble CPAP. I sent a pic to Daddy and he was super excited too. Not only did this show progress in his breathing, but also meant I could finally hold my baby! He could only be out for about an hour at that time, so I opted to wait until Daddy was back. I sat with him and told him how excited I was to get to hold him. Oh I couldn't wait. Back at my room for whatever reason, I had to wait on the nurse for something. I can't remember what it was, but it made me cry. Didn't the realize they were keeping me from seeing my baby? Finally the nurse came and did whatever she needed to do and Daddy was back with the camera. We were going to get to have a video of my first time holding Marcellus. We were both beyond excited. Before I held Marcellus it was time for a diaper change. Daddy changed his first diaper that day! I have never seen anyone more excited to change a diaper. And here's a secret...Daddy changed way more diapers than Mommy did. After the diaper change and Marcellus's assessment we were ready for some kangaroo care. Daddy had grabbed the camera and the charger (in case the batteries weren't charged enough) and we headed to the NICU. Well, silly Daddy didn't even put the batteries in the camera. He had to have it plugged in. Meaning we don't have a good angle for the video. Oh well because I can remember everything from my angle, the best angle. I remember the nurse lifting Marcellus out of his isollete. He squeaked on his way to me and then she placed him on my chest. The best feeling in the world! He instantly just melted into me. He knew he was with his momma. We got cozied in and life was perfect. Daddy went to get a book to read to us. He picked "Guess How Much I Love You". At the time we didn't know how important that book would become to us. It will forever be Marcellus's story.

Our first family photo taken during my first k-care. I love my family!

Later that night Marcellus got his first visitors. They came during shift change (when we weren't allowed in the NICU) so we visited for a little bit. Then we all went down to the NICU. Only two people can be at a baby's bedside at a time, so Daddy took each of our visitors (3 total) in to see Marcellus one at a time. He was such a proud daddy showing off his son. Each time he came out that door with a huge smile on his face ready to show Marcellus off to the next person.

After they left we spent more time together just a family. We liked being there at night. It was so much quieter and calmer than during the day. We just sat next to Marcellus and talked to him, he held our fingers, and we were there for him. He knew he was with his mommy and daddy.

We have a video from that night at around 10pm. It shows us doing what we did whenever we were there. Just sitting with him. Admiring him. Touching him. In the video I am just sitting there holding his hand while taking to him. That's what we did the most since he couldn't be out of his isolette for too long, especially when he was still on the bubble CPAP. The video itself is pretty funny. I appear to be drunk. Really I'm still drugged up a bit from the c-section and totally sleep deprived on top of all the fun Mommy hormones. It was our first experience with a bubble CPAP and in the video we call it a "CPAP bubbular." It kind of makes me chuckle. I would give anything to sit next to that isolette again. I am aching for my baby boy right now. Aching to touch him. To physically feel him. I have the memory of that and yes, at times I can still feel it. But it's not the same. Nothing will be the same as it was. Nothing will ever be the same.

Marcellus, what an amazing day we had a year ago! You made Mommy and Daddy so proud by going off the ventilator. At first they said you would probably be on it for a week, but you weren't even on it for 24 hours. What a strong boy! Oh and to hold you my sweet boy. To hold you for that first time. To feel your skin on mine as we snuggled up. To feel you melt right into me. Mother and son, together. The most incredible feeling I've ever had. Some day I'll hold you again, some day baby boy we will be together. For now, I long for you. I ache for those moments. I hold onto those memories. I miss you with my whole being. I miss everything about you. I even miss those annoying NICU sounds. 

We read you your story yesterday for your birthday. That story Daddy picked out. It's forever your special story. We will always read it to you. Your little brothers and sisters will know it's your special story and I hope the ask to read it when they are thinking of you. 

As you probably know, it is a very special little girl's first birthday today. Her name is Cassie and I know her mommy. I also feel like I know her through her mommy just as I hope her mommy feels like she knows you through me. Make sure to give Cassie a big birthday hug from everyone down here on earth. I know her Mommy and Daddy are missing her just as much as we miss you.

I love you right up to the moon and back! xoxox.

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