Three weeks from today is my little squirmy wormy's first birthday. I should be panicking about planning a party, who to invite, what to do.
I recently had a friend ask if it was okay if she sent a birthday card for Marcellus. I responded with, "Yes! I would absolutely love it." It made me realize that some people might want to do something, but not know how we feel about it or what we may find comforting.
Marcellus's birthday is still a day of celebration. The day he came out crying, the day we found out he was a boy. That we have a son. A day that changed my life forever in such a beautiful way. We will be celebrating that (although at this point we haven't for sure decided on how) and we would love for you to celebrate him as well! It would mean so much to Mike and I if you would want to honor Marcellus in some special way on his birthday.
How can you do that? Well, that's up to you. Whatever way you feel is right. Send Marcellus a birthday card, light a candle for him, have a piece of cake or a cupcake to celebrate (I have a feeling he would be into chocolate like his mommy and daddy), release a balloon, write his name somewhere, donate to a charity supporting and helping grieving parents (e.g. Molly Bears, Lil Angels Hankies, any organization that does memory boxes or helps parents with funeral/headstone costs, March of Dimes, and there are many many more), buy a gift for Marcellus and donate it to a child in need, really anything to honor and celebrate my sweet boy! These are just suggestions and things I could think of off the top of my head. I'm in no way saying I will think you are a bad friend if you don't do something, just wanted to put it out there for people who are wondering what they can do. Even just sending Mike and I a message letting us know you're thinking of us would mean a lot. While we will be celebrating our boy that day, it is going to be super difficult doing it without him here. If you do decide to do something for Marcellus and don't mind sending me a picture or message (firstname.lastname@example.org) of what you did, I would super appreciate it. Knowing my boy as touched the lives of others makes me a proud momma!
Now back to being three weeks away. Three weeks! How did that happen? Every since my birthday I feel like I've been on a decent to October 28th. You know when an airplane starts approaching the airport...it feels something like that. I've kind of always felt that way ever since Angela was born on October 28th, 2002. Since then the fall has given me some sort of dread feeling. Her birthday has been difficult.And now it's not just her birthday, it's Marcellus's birthday to. It'll be her 10th and his 1st. 10?! 10 years old?! Wow.
And now, now I feel like I'm just in a free fall approaching their birthday (I still don't say that often..their birthday). In the middle of the night I woke up from a dream feeling extreme anxiety. I couldn't get back to sleep. In my dream I was having a panic attack over it being both their birthdays. Over what we're going to do to celebrate. I just haven't spent much time dealing with it being both of their birthdays and I think that came out in my dream. I was just so overwhelmed about it and still am. Honestly, sometimes I get mad at Marcellus for being born on Angela's birthday. What that day? What couldn't that just be her day?
After waking up in the night with that feeling I've been having a detached type of day. Doing what I guess my therapist would say are avoidance tendencies. Not accepting that his birthday (and her birthday) are approaching rather quickly. Too quickly. It's a lot to digest, to handle. Because then I do have to deal with it together. I will have to acknowledge it's both their day. Usually when I talk about Angela it's her birthday and when I talk about Marcellus it's his birthday. But I don't like to think about it at the same time. Makes my head spin.
Marcellus, I know your first birthday is coming up so fast, but I just can't believe it. How has the word kept on spinning this long? Daddy and I want to find the perfect way to celebrate your life. Yes, we will be sad that you aren't here (as we are everyday, but will probably especially be that day), but you have brought us so much more. We want to celebrate your little life my sweet sweet baby boy. We want the world to know that you still deserve to be celebrated, that you are such a blessing to our lives! I just wish we were sending out invites for your first birthday party, Daddy and I talking about what we're going to get you and freaking out if we should have a theme for your party and who we should invite. My little mister, I miss you so much. My heart aches for you everyday, but it is also filled with immense love for you! xoxox.