I'm an instructor, a statistical consultant, a friend, a wife, a sister, a daughter, an expected mother, and a grieving mother. All of these roles taken on by me. Many of these roles I wasn't able to fulfill in the days following Marcellus's death. I was one thing and one thing only, a grieving mother. Now as time has gone on I have been able to go back to some of the roles I had before and even add new ones. I still don't feel like I do as good of a job at many of these roles as I would had he not died.
But the one role that I feel defines me so strongly, grieving mother, is getting less and less time. Yes, it is always there. I am always thinking about my boy. Always missing him. Always loving him. My heart is always aching for him. But I have to shove that aside at times to fulfill the other roles of my life (which most of the time is not a bad thing). Or to at least do a decent job at them.
With Marcellus's birthday approaching I don't want all these other roles. No, I don't want to be a grieving mother. But since I have no choice in that matter, right now I only want to be a grieving mother. I just want to grieve for my boy and not worry about anything else. Not worry about lesson plans or clients. Not worry about if the house is clean and the laundry done. Not worry if I'm supposed to be there for anyone else right now (yes, the selfish part of grief). I just want to cry and be angry at the world, at God, for a bit.
It's going to be quite the struggle over the next few weeks to keep all these other roles active. To not give completely in to my grieving mother self.
Marcellus, I just want to be your momma right now and not worry about anything else going on in my life. Being your mommy means being a grieving mommy and since that's what it takes to be your mommy, that's all I really want to do. I just want to grieve for you. With your birthday coming up I'm struggling sweet boy. Really struggling to balance all of this. I hope you know just how very much I love you. Some days I don't even think I comprehend how much that is. Missing you with all my heart my love! xoxox.