A year ago: October 24th, 2011

Alright, this is the last day I should be behind. I have nothing to write about for October 25th, so tomorrow I should be writing about the 26th on the 26th.

I can't believe how close we are getting to Marcellus's birthday. I really just want time to stop. I don't know if I'm ready for his first birthday to come and go, the first anniversary of his death to pass. I'm not ready for that. I don't want it to happen. I don't want to be that far from him. I guess all I can do is continue to look back on the memories I have. To read about the other days I've written about click below.
October 21st, 2011
October 22nd, 2011
October 23rd, 2011

A year ago yesterday: Monday, October 24th, 2011
I was 28 weeks 1 day pregnant. Mike must have had that day off. He dropped me off on campus though, so I could get some work done. I wasn't taking any classes, but was working on my research. Trying really hard to get as much done as I could during fall semester since Marcellus was due January 15th.

We had made plans to go to the new Buy Buy Baby that had just opened up in the area and register. I also needed to get Angela's gift off in the mail. I had written it the night before, but hadn't sent it out yet. The plan was for us to stop at the post office closest to campus and mail it off before going to register. Mike picked me up around 4:30 and we went to the post office. It was closed. I was so upset. I was already so behind in getting her gift out that waiting another day was not possible to me. We found out another post office not too far away was open until 5pm, and we headed there. As I'm writing this I am getting pictures in my head, images of that day. I can picture us standing in line at the post office. I can feel how the line was moving. It was slow, but not painfully so. I can remember that they opened up a back counter at the post office and we got to go there.

Afterward we headed to Buy Buy Baby, where we parked in expectant mother parking. Mike wasn't going to, he told me that I could walk. But I said this is a time I get to utilize that parking, so we were going to. We went in to the brand new store. I haven't been in there since, but I can still remember exactly what it looks like. We sat down at the registry desk and the lady got us set up with our scanner gun. Of course, they give you this long list of things to make sure you register for. We just ended up going through the entire store to make sure there was nothing that we missed.

I have pictures of that too. Making sure we looked at every little thing. I even remember registering for plain white onesies. I remember going back and forth, back and forth, on a changing pad cover. Should we register for organic, or regular? The infant bathtub, did we want one that folds flat for storage...or the one my sister had for my nephew that she really liked? We even registered for the folds flat one, then decided we wanted the other one, so had to delete it and add the one we wanted. I remember sitting on the floor near the diaper bags for some reason. I know I was tired, but I also think most of the diaper bags were low to the ground. I couldn't get down that low so I just sat on the floor. My mom called me then and I answered. I'm sure I had questions about some of the things we were registering for and wanted to get her advice. At the strollers we went back and forth again. We had talked about just getting one of those stroller frames that the car seat snaps into or a travel system. But then we also talked a lot about how we planned to baby-wear and probably wouldn't use the car seat/stroller combo as much as other people. We even had a worker get down one of the strollers we were looking at. I think it was the City Mini, we registered for that one. Before looking at the car seats I already knew what 3 I wanted to check out. I wanted to get one of the car seats that you could use up to a higher weight. So we looked at the Graco Snugride 35, Chico Keyfit 30 and Britax B Safe. After looking them all over, I decided the Britax B Safe is the one I really wanted and so we registered for that.

That was about it for the big items, but before we finished we looked through some of the smaller items toward the front. I remember looking at baby books. I wanted to get one that was for more than a year. I think we registered for one that was for 3 years. There were no baby books there for 12 days. It never crossed my mind that I wouldn't have more than 3 years of memories to document. We also registered for a belly cast. I really wanted to do one. I have no idea what we would have done with it afterward, but I thought it would be awesome to do. To have a physical visual of my belly. I was going to buy one for myself if no one got it for us for our baby shower. I didn't know I would have that belly for only 4 more days. I should have bought it that night and done it.

One last thing I remember looking at were the picture frames. One stood out to me. It simply said, "Cousins." Marcellus's cousin was born in early July of 2011. They were supposed to be about 6 months apart. My sister and I had visions of our children growing up together, being friends, and getting into tons of mischief. I can't remember if we registered for that frame or not, but I planned on getting one for ourselves and for my nephew. He and Marcellus ended up being just under 4 months apart and I still planned on getting that frame. In fact, I've thought about it to this day. But they will never have a picture together. Instead we would have to put two pictures in side-by-side. The one of my nephew would be able to be changed out as he grew. Marcellus's would always be the same.

We both enjoyed registering. Thinking of all the fun cool things we might get for our baby. After we left Buy Buy Baby we went to Office Max. I wanted Mike to look at the chairs I had checked out the day before. I still had the tags I grabbed, so I could remember which ones I liked without having to sit in them all again. He went through my options and it came down to two. Of course our favorite one being a little bit more money than we were hoping to spend. But we decided to go for it, especially since we would no longer be getting a glider. It would be worth the extra money to have a really nice desk chair.

When we got home, we had to put it together. Mike took it upstairs to the 2nd bedroom and we started working on it. Our new desk already set up the night before and now our new chair. Even though those items were not directly baby related, they were a way for us to get ready for our baby. We had finally started to really prepare to bring the new life I was carrying home. Or so we thought we'd be bring him home. Instead he never saw that room. He didn't know the things we were doing to get ready. He didn't know we still had a long way to go. His only room was in the NICU.

I don't know if it is ironic or what that we started really getting ready for Marcellus right before he was born. I don't know what to make of that. If it was my body signally something to me that my baby was going to come soon and so I needed to prepare, then it seems quite cruel to me that he wouldn't get to every come home to those preparations. Actually everything about his death is cruel. All the plans, hope, and dreams snatched right out from under you.

Marcellus, I wonder what things off of our registery we would have gotten for you. What fun toys would you have gotten? How would we have finally gotten the spare bedroom set up for you? I know it wasn't going to be just your room and you would have been in Mommy and Daddy's room for quite awhile, but it was still going to be your nursery. I even had a wall decal picked out. Owls. That's why owls are so special. Since we were getting everything else for that room, I was really really close to ordering that decal for you. I had even already requested color samples, so I could make sure the colors were what I wanted before ordering. Those are in with your stuff. They are part of what we did to prepare for you. I never got to order that decal though. And now owls are your thing. Beamy will have something different. I don't know what that will be yet. I like thinking about how I was preparing for you, but at the same time I constantly wonder if I somehow knew you were coming so soon. And if I did, even subconsciously, then why couldn't I do something about it? Why didn't I get any warning? I would have done everything I could to keep you safe and cozy for longer. This is so tough baby boy. So tough to be without you. Wish you were here my squirmy wormy. Oh how much I wish you were here!!! Love you! xoxox.