A year ago today: October 28th, 2011

A year ago today: Friday, October 28th, 2011
I was 28 weeks 5 days pregnant, but not for long. A year ago today, I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy at 10:01am. It was very unexpected and we were so scared, yet so happy at the same time. You can read the details of Marcellus's birth story here. Here's a shortened version: He was born via c-section because he was breech. He weighted 3 lbs 2 oz and was 16 inches long. He let out  a cry as soon as he was born letting his momma know he was okay. Daddy got to go with him right away. I ended the post about his birth story at the point where I was in recovery and had called my mom and sister to tell them our baby boy had unexpectedly arrived. I thought I had written down the rest of the memories from that day. In fact I am fairly certain I did. I don't know if I posted anything on my blog (and a quick search didn't bring anything up), but I thought I had written them in word document when I was going back and writing memories 6 months ago. For some reason, I can't find it though. That really bothers me. Especially since while the memories of that day are amazing, they're not as clear as some of the others. I was super drugged up from having a c-section after all and I'm sure in some shock that our baby boy had just been born. But I'll do my best to recollect them now. When recounting things about Marcellus though I like to write it to him. To tell him the story of his life.

Dear Marcellus,
After Mommy called Grandma and Auntie Katie, it wasn't too long before we could leave recovery. We got settled into my hospital room. You were being taken care of in the NICU. Daddy and Audrey were with me making sure that I was okay. We talked about the craziness of what had just happened for a little while. Because we took an ambulance to the hospital we didn't have our car there. And because it was so unexpected we didn't have anything with us. Honestly, I went with only a t-shirt and sweats shirt on and Daddy grabbed my phone and wallet. So, Daddy needed to go home to get me some stuff. I told him when he left he should go check on you first and show you off to Audrey. She wanted to make sure I was okay with her seeing you before me. I still couldn't go to the NICU because I couldn't get into a wheelchair yet. I told her I was. Even without having seen you in person yet myself, I was a proud momma and wanted to show you off! Daddy called me after they stopped at the NICU to tell me how you were doing. You were on the ventilator now and had to be given muscle relaxers, so you weren't active at all but were doing well.

While Daddy was gone I talked to the nurse about starting to pump. I figured if I couldn't see you yet, I should get started on doing something for you. So I did. They got me my hospital grade pump and my nurse helped me get started. For that first pumping I got 1 mL, I was so excited to get that little bit for you. Every little bit counts they told me. You weren't taking breast milk yet because you were on the ventilator. But it was so important to me to get that started right away.

At some point the neonatologist that was there when you were born, Dr. P, came in to update me on how you were doing. He told me about the ventilator and about the muscle relaxers, so not to be alarmed if you weren't alert and moving when I went to see you. I was going to get to see you soon because I had been getting feeling back in my legs. Just needed to wait for Daddy to get back.

It wasn't long before he came with a bunch of stuff for me. I don't think I paid much attention to it. I was just so antsy to get to see you! It was about 3pm and I had to wait 5 hours from the time you were born to go see you. We got me into that wheelchair and headed down the hallway to the NICU. Daddy rolled me right up to your isolette and I just stared at you. I was in awe at how beautiful you were. I don't remember being intimidated by any of the NICU gadgets. The ventilator, the wires, the monitors. Yes, I would have preferred that you didn't need them. But you did and so I knew they were there to help you. Plus I didn't even see all that. I only saw my perfect little baby boy.

Mommy's first time seeing you!

You still didn't have a name at that point. 5 hours without a name! They had a white board by your isolette and it just said "Baby Boy." I sat with you and put my hand in and touched you for a bit. Then I looked at Daddy and said, "His name is Marcellus." And so it was then we named you Marcellus Robert. A name that I think fits everything about you. Your beautiful lovely precious name, named after your great-grandpa.

I don't know how long we stayed. I could have sat there forever, but I was recovering from surgery. I had to be careful not to overdo it. Back in the room is when we made a lot of phone calls to let everyone know about your surprise arrival. Every time I told someone that you were born I felt like I had to comfort them. Everyone was so worried, but for some reason I was not. You were doing so well! They (doctors and nurses) kept saying how good you were doing, how strong you were. I didn't want people to be worried and scared that you were here. I wanted them to be just as excited as I was. You were here and you were absolutely amazing!

We did go back to the NICU that evening. And by the time we went you were much more alert as the medicine had wore off. You held onto my finger. It's like you just knew I was there. We talked to you, we touched you. Mommy and Daddy were so in awe of you. You looked you over, looked at your fingers at your toes. Everything about you. One thing we didn't get to see were your eyes. They were still fused shut. Babies usually open their eyes at about 26 weeks in utero, but for some reason yours were still shut. While it was rare, it was nothing to be alarmed about. We just had to be patient and wait to get to see your eyes. You didn't need to be able to see to know we were there though. You just knew.

Here you were more alert that night. Holding on to Mommy's finger for the first time!

See your arm up in the picture? You were already being a squirmy wormy. I can just remember the feelings I had sitting in the wheelchair right up against your isolette. We were all together. Even if you couldn't be in my room with us, we were a family. The three of us together. You gave us that Marcellus. You gave us that amazing feeling of family. I know I fell more in love with your Daddy that day because he helped give me you. We became closer because you were born and you brought us to know the amazing feeling of having our own family.

After leaving the NICU later that night we tired to get some sleep. Daddy stayed with me. I had to pump every 2-3 hours to get my milk supply to come in. I set my alarm, but really I didn't sleep that much. Because I couldn't walk yet, Daddy had to get up and clean my pump supplies after every time. He did such a good job and never complained about it at all. You have a great Daddy! He would do anything for us.

You went through a lot in your first day of life baby boy. Being born too early, going to the NICU, having a ventilator and IV put in, being hooked up to monitors and having to be away from your Mommy and Daddy. I wish your first day could have been different. I do still wish your first day would have been much closer to your due date of January 15th. I wish you had been full term and not needed to be in the NICU. Yes, I wish all those things, but I am still forever grateful for that day. Grateful you were born as healthy as you could be for your gestation. Grateful Daddy got to go with you right away. Grateful for the cry you let out in the delivery room. Grateful that I was able to start taking care of you by pumping for you. Grateful for every second I got to see you in the NICU that day. Grateful for you. Grateful for the start of our family.

October 28th, 2011 will always be a beautiful day in my memory. It will always be the day we were blessed with you coming into this world. Thank you for everything you have given us sweet boy. Thank you for being our son. Today we celebrated that. We celebrated you! You changed the world forever a year ago today. You brought us so much love and joy that we didn't know we could have. Daddy and I were so on top of the world. We love you forever and always. We just wish you were here to celebrate in person. We wish we could hug you and kiss you and give you presents today. We wish you were here everyday.

One year old. You would be one year old. What would it be like to have you here? I hate that I don't know. I don't know what you are like. I have an idea. But your hair, your eyes, I don't know what they'd look like. Would you be a trouble maker? I have a feeling you would be. But I also think you'd love to snuggle. I would give anything to snuggle you up and smell your hair as we wrapped up your first birthday. I miss you my love. I miss you so so so very much! Happy first birthday my squirmy wormy!!! xoxox.